Anger Management
Is what I really need to work on or with not sure which it is because this morning I’m
fired up and the sun is bright and the air is cool enough you need a sweater to fetch that coffee that
I probably don’t need given how fired up I am and this is my attempt to
reconcile what I feel instead of do what I may have done once or twice before
probably some more but whatever at this point in time is what I say because
as you can see, who cares anyway except those closest to you as a
system fails you like it failed so many others who bought into it and thought they could change it but the system
is so much more than you it’s a sickness that grew a cancer that spread a
mental health crisis that you just can’t
handle so you went into politics or management where you
hold a thin line because that line is you and the ones who probably
told you so oh so long ago and your former selves your ancestors shall we say
passed on a lie in the hope that perhaps one day
more than one of you who survived the horror show that was the
education you got that taught you NOTHING but that the world is a racist genocidal maniac funded by
your governments to some extent but people been tangled up and perhaps truly did hope
to change things even if it seemed impossible while the
system devours your soul perhaps you’re fine and you’re just
deaf to my cries the cries of the ones who just can’t seem to
break away from this way of life where I’m surely worth at least a wee bit more than
you treat me in your silence that screams like I do inside my head sometimes as I hold in tears and the
anger that I manage to contain as I try my best to survive this way of life that
others of my kind are all but too quiet about the racist insitutition that they found and
moved on to make more of a difference
in the pay and it comes with a price that you better hope the ones who
coddle you and perhaps do what’s best for you but as for me
well, I guess I have some anger to manage that
is justified perhaps or perhaps I’m just
waking up to a world where I thought I was
all ready dead
Part 2
Upon arrival I was perhaps given a dismissal a wave off a
certain look and a I told you so from some
white women who
told you didn’t they as they watch in silence just like you a
queer white man so to speak who knows and you know what
why do I care so much when you so clearly
don’t that’s why you only
do as your told and you’re a good two shoes a smooth talker a
waste of tax dollars when I hear you holler all the same old things just like
the ones before who lets us down too
how nice for you to chew on that the shit you speak I wonder what would happen if
you licked your own ass for a change like a cat or a dog who
also loves a bit of
meat on a bone oh no did I just go there or was
lead there by temptations a sin of pleasure I get in the way I can
maneuver the manure you try in vain to pile on and don’t worry I
know it’s not
just you it’s more than you it’s all of you the white ones anyway especially if they went to school for
management wonder why they
work for you anyhow tootles if I were you I would be weary the company your keeping is with people who
represent real estate interests and
not your own but I guess in a manner of speaking of thinking if you even know how because
as we both know you love to
repeat talking points and think you sound anything other than
tired but those suit and ties really do
sharpen you up your built like a Ford
And politics is your own
Go Fund Me cause I’m silent on
racism in nursing let alone the world at large it’s so much more than us isn’t it and yet
not at all when you
stop to think about it
Part 3
I hate thinking as much as I seem to have found a love for it and
world I find myself in upon and a part of too how nice and I’m suffering and
others are suffering because suffering became a tool
an instrument a system of education of law of political theatrics of
rich humans who set up systems that turned their corporations into what almost seems to be
living entities cept we do the living and
they do the abusing it would seem we abuse one another and children pay a price that even those
lucky enough to not perhaps have direct harm but instead just
know about it and that’s a lovely thought knowing out there people will do harm and in the natural world fine but as we see
people develop or
stagnate while also managing to give appearances of change like
landing on the moon some 60 odd years ago and then you got your
rich entitled babies who think AI deserves water more than
humans and they got a look in those eyes that says
Oh dear and wide eyes while doing so and a little tilt of the head as I do and
nope, not actually AI does not need water more than humans and probably we don’t need AI at all if we did this thing called
communicate effectively together but see
white people oh lord white people love to
abuse or deflect or dance around an issue rather than address it
and some white ones gonna go get all upset and that’s fine you go right ahead what do you think I am doing this
definitely ain’t happy cause just like I was warned by the lovely white racist ladies
I would be punished and they were correct not only am I failure of their system, fun
I now struggle daily with hours at work and a desire to be told to even want to live but not kill myself
but figure out how to live in this world where I find partcipating in a genocidal regime that uses war to turn profits and
replace nature with
well not nature but some of it this stuff is all right especially when you ain’t
doing things in so much haste and murder
see institutional failings are murder, regardless how you try to paint it, when your tax money being recycled into war, that’s murder
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But we never say it because it often seems like we’re caught in a dance with highly abusive and perhaps dim witted or brain dead who knows
people who are perhaps even slightly amused at what we can and cannot tolerate
And I took a breather a break I had to take a dump to let out the shit that
obviously builds up over time and what you’re doing what we’re doing I guess
is oh wait ok I am working almost enough to cover my basics while you’re
working is not working it’s talking in circles in loops that lead me back to where I began
working on while
my anger management
while working in a system that
could use a little management that can handle the situation we find ourselves in
sometimes I wonder, as I sit here trying to purge these feelings that they
seeded in me oh so long ago these seeds of doubt when a person who was supposed to love me more than life
tried to end it and then rather than getting help I got
worse and they did a thing no child would ever truly recover from except in this world where a system
only serves to keep you in your place unless you’re willing to sacrifice
whatever remains of your dignity cause mine was
taken away so long ago and after they did all that they tried to
convert me when I was 8, for four years of my life I endured a therapy of
conversion not conversation not a reflection of who I was but what
they wanted me to be a part of or
perhaps they just wanted the little boy who dared defy a father at sweet old age of 6
to just learn a lesson he’d wish he could
forget because
I love to think about how to make sure it
hopefully doesn’t happen because we
recognize a source
Part 4
The source of knowledge the brain that I cannot seem to turn off or
settle down as my husband looks at me out the corner of his eye as I
open my laptop and he smiles a bit and
touch his skin and grip it just a bit and rub with my fingertips before I
write some more cause oh the world’s I can explore and all right here on Earth where
reality is a matter of perception evidently and some of these people seem content to live
together but apart world’s apart because they’ve been torn apart in words in bombs in shops where the labor was
cheaper than the products they sold and yet
not so much when you
stop to think about the source of the labor the children in factories or mines in the
Congo not my parrot who likes to repeat things I say like
Fuck This Shit or
Bye Bye Gregory, Work, Work, Work and they usually go
together like my husband and I not actually husband we don’t let the government
into our business no thank I’m an independent codependent I pay for things he pays for the rest which is the
most of it the rest of and I often wonder am I a
free loader or a
self loather who just refuses to accept the world I find myself in conflict with
And I had to take a breath here just so we’re clear as the day that’s grown as long as it can until it
recedes again, like my hair and my father who left me after he
did what he needed to do I suppose to
teach me through the lessons that were taught to me through a life I chose to
reflect rather than just run on endlessly in cause
that’s the way they play the cancer that became an answer to
why we do, what we do and only the energy you expend and
never get back it seems in lives you pass on in generations built on lies and love and
back breaking labor or mind fucking numbness from all the
dumb mother fuckers who just do as they are told as they grow old and tired of the
fight and they work a regular old, 9–5
Part 5.
The energy we expend they act like it
never ends it does we end we do we die we live on though
through you our teachings our ways to
better days perhaps who even stops to wonder or
think on it because that right there is a
trick they use to confuse in other words
you’re heavily abused and confused and not so much when you feel a gentle touch instead of a
rough reply or a hard reply that makes you think they were mean instead of
firm but full of love for your own
good we’re paid not quite enough to lie anymore times are tough unless of course you live in a
place where you services are adequately maintained where the
cancer that spreads to places it wants it desires to spread to
bomb it to bits to blow up all the hopes and dreams and this
is what happens it meets it maker it’s source it’s energy it’s
own God damn insanity
White supremacy reduced us to little bits of this and that and conflict drives intuition rather than
tenderness that becomes something that doesn’t defile it
mends it lends a helping hand where it can it will because it
feels better than good when it’s you reaching out for help and you
get some from someone who needs some too and there
in that moment that moment where you are whoever you are in the equation where you find a
chance to lend a helping hand rather than
beat us down again and again because you thought
wrong and it went so far so fast and yet not so bad if you
hope to change it as you confront it the cancer spread to you too the
white supreme way of life that eats away and
talks all day it gorges on the suffering it manages to
do nothing more than watch in desperation as the ones who hold it all either cry or go numb or shrug those shoulders cause, I’m here for the
money it’s all about the money isn’t it and you are now aware why you feel
worth more than you know they treat you
But the ones who love are the ones you’ll
never forget the ones you forget you never seem to
forgive you set them on a course you set yourself to meet them to greet them you
meet them head on and hope to God
the only bomb is
love
