Back at abstract
After I finished the pieces for my book, Lost, alone, hurt and confused, I pulled back a bit from creating abstract art. It seemed like every effort in that direction was met with an equal and opposite apathetic vibe that was seriously discouraging. It felt like the more I did, the less people cared, the less people wanted to see, which, didn’t help when it came to trying to realize different inspirations or exploring any more. Despite the good it did my subconscious as it vented the dark feelings, my conscious mind suffered as it felt all the ties it had to community and fans evaporate.
So, I pulled back. For a while. The confusion, frustration…the building anger at myself for not being able to make anything anyone other than myself cared about, could care about. I felt and in many ways feel stuck in dark loops, wanting to escape but stuck in some unwanted gravity that refuses to let me hit any sort of escape velocity. I mean, even to just get a comment on anything I do, it’s a fucking miracle…let alone someone being like, oh, I want to own that.
Which, I guess makes sense, a sort of sense…I mean, who wants to own something like that…who would want to look at something like that, even acknowledge it…no matter how cool it looks or what other vibes it may generate. Other artists have launched and had solid careers on that sort of thing, but, my fate seems to refuse that as a path I’m allowed to take.
Maybe it’s because I’ve never really had a show, a group that cares to exhibit, give credence to, accept me for who I am and encourage growth in anticipation of greater works. The masses demand stuff like that, a shortcut to credibility so that they can feel ok in their interests and support. There’s so much on everyone’s mind, in their hearts, so many disruptions to the body, who’s got the time to look at everything they see and think about it…
But that energy inside me, the desire to express in a pure, selfish way on my own terms, refuses to be bottled up. Yet, I also know that somehow I must grow and evolve. To just rely upon the automatic motions that carried through some seriously traumatic times in my life, needs to grow and more directed, controlled actions. Yet, how to accomplish that when the energy levels always feel at peak negativity?
Noise, nasty and loud, desiring some sort of understandable, interpretable form…but, what is that made up of? Delving straight into darkness led to emptiness, so, how about something basic AF, even if it makes no sense, really…building blocks, shapes…starting at some sort of basics. No one to tell me anything, no one to advise, give feedback, talk with about, nothing, so I follow what I feel.
Breaking habits, trying to form new ones, deliciously fresh pathways never before tread…getting harder and harder…not sure if it’s just age, or environment, community (or lack thereof), exposure to the right influences, whatever it could be, but I’m trying, within my limited means and energy levels.
What am I trying to say? What am I trying to convince people to become a part of? What vibrations am I doing my best to attract, create? What’s the whole fucking point of the mess I’ve made my life in pursuit of the ridiculous idea that maybe something I can create will connect to others, will show me what I want to see, express what I want to express…get people to like me for who I am, for what I do, for where I wanna go and who I wanna be…
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A lot of the time I just don’t care, I wanna create…see what’s possible with my skills, experience, intent, and that could also be a big part of the problem. Just thinking of myself in all of this…not considering what’s around me, who’s around me, the world in general. The idea of MVP (minimum viable product) constantly battling my stubborn, selfish self, my planning self desperately seeking some sort of way to support itself while remaining true to itself…ugh…
So I created these yesterday.
First, a cry into the void, all my energies out trying to hit some sort of ground in a desperate attempt to stand.
Then, just, flow. In shapes and connection, aiming to balance, travel, entice, be. No meaning, just riding the rails of what came out while listening to some beats.
Why any of this?
Fuck if I could tell you a specific reason. Maybe I just defaulted to the basics because anything more complex isn’t possible, or would have shorted my brain out. Maybe my brain has already shorted out and this is the best I can do now…I don’t know anymore.
But. They exist. They’re different. They’ve shown me something new about myself. As much as they are similar to a lot of what’s come before, they’re not. Perhaps this direction is a way for me to grow, learn, move out of the cycles of whatever I always seem to find myself in…I don’t know.
The only thing I do know is that I’m still trying. My well of ideas that used to be, now no more than a bit of moisture way far deep down…and I hope that is enough, because I look at the world, it’s future, mine, a whole lot of things, and I don’t see much, if any, good. The stuff to refill my well, less than a dream in my failure drenched brain.
We shall see, we shall see.
