HEIST TIME
[SCENE: All the female megastars sitting around a poker table, reminiscent of the famous dogs playing poker painting. They’re planning a heist, Ocean’s Eleven style, with the Declaration of Independence as their target. MADONNA is dealing cards while LADY GAGA sits off to the side, smoking. CARRIE UNDERWOOD appears to be conscientiously objecting to the gambling.]
MADONNA: So we’re all clear on what we’re targeting? The Declaration of Independence.
BEYONCÉ: [regally] It’s symbolic and practical. We get their attention, and we make a statement.
TAYLOR SWIFT: [with an innocent smile hiding calculation] I’ve already sketched out three different entry points to the National Archives. Just for fun, you know.
ADELE: [cockney accent] Bloody ‘ell, this country’s going to pot faster than me gran’s kidney beans.
RIHANNA: [business-like] Let’s talk solutions. Private army?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Who has a house big enough?
MADONNA: I don’t want smelly soldiers in my Malibu place.
BEYONCÉ: My estate in the Hamptons is too visible. Paparazzi would spot them immediately.
RIHANNA: My Virginia estate is so pretty. I don’t want them stomping around with their boots.
OLIVIA RODRIGO: [earnestly] We could just call for mass civil disobedience! Tell our fans the truth!
KATY PERRY: But then there’d be traffic. How would people get to my Vegas show?
LADY GAGA: [diplomatically] Let’s stay focused, everyone. We all want the same thing here.
OLIVIA RODRIGO: Do we though? Because it feels like everyone’s prioritizing their business interests.
[Uncomfortable silence]
CÉLINE DION: [veteran leadership tone] The young one has a point. This is why we fail every time. One suggests something good, another has a conflict.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I have a tour starting next month. Could we schedule the revolution for after that?
ADELE: I’ve got two Grammys to attend. Can we do it between those?
BILLIE EILISH: [sarcastically] Yeah, let’s just pencil in the overthrow of tyranny between your award shows.
RIHANNA: My makeup line has a new release that week.
BEYONCÉ: [diplomatically] We all have obligations. That’s not the issue.
OLIVIA RODRIGO: But it is! I’m trying to be honest with my fans about what’s happening, and you’re all worried about your bottom lines!
LADY GAGA: [stepping in] It’s not that simple. If one of us jumps alone…
CÉLINE DION: We all jump together, or the one who jumps is a sucker.
MADONNA: I don’t want to be looking back up at you all laughing while I’m falling.
[CARRIE UNDERWOOD suddenly sits down at the table]
CARRIE UNDERWOOD: [sweetly] I think I’ll join in now.
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[She expertly shuffles the cards. All the women gulp nervously.]
TAYLOR SWIFT: [whispering] Has she been counting this whole time?
RIHANNA: [business-like] Trust is complicated in our position. We’re all competitive by nature.
BEYONCÉ: That’s how we got here.
LADY GAGA: And it’s not that we don’t care. We do.
KATY PERRY: But one wrong move and…
ADELE: Our whole bleeding empires come crashing down!
CÉLINE DION: This is the problem the Founding Fathers faced too, non? Individual interests versus collective action.
[OLIVIA RODRIGO looks frustrated]
OLIVIA RODRIGO: But can’t we just be honest with our audiences? Tell them what’s at stake?
MADONNA: [dealing cards] Honey, we’ve been in this game a long time.
LADY GAGA: It’s a delicate balance.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD: [revealing her cards — a royal flush] Sometimes you have to know when to hold ‘em…
TAYLOR SWIFT: [with her trademark sweet smile] And know when to make everyone think you’re folding when you’re actually not.
[She reveals a hand that somehow beats CARRIE’S royal flush. Everyone gasps.]
CÉLINE DION: [standing] I think I have our plan.
[Everyone leans in]
CÉLINE DION: We’ll create a distraction so massive, no one will see what we’re really doing. A global benefit concert. Every one of us.
BEYONCÉ: While all eyes are on the stage…
TAYLOR SWIFT: Our team makes the move.
RIHANNA: [nodding] We all have something at stake, and we all contribute equally.
MADONNA: [satisfied] So we’re agreed?
[The women all look at each other, a moment of genuine trust forming]
ALL: Agreed.
[CARRIE UNDERWOOD gathers the cards]
CARRIE UNDERWOOD: [sweetly] Another round, ladies?
[Everyone quickly stands up from the table]
ADELE: [cockney accent] Not on your bloody life!
