A rant.
This is just a rant from my top of mind, maybe will become unpleasant to read for some.
Its been 26 years of age and something doesn’t change. Its me and my best pal, failure. And like all best friend he often come to visit me. Today he visits he come down for a feast. A big feast that it left a lasting memories. Today, come bad news as always, a rejection no less. Its expected to be honest, its not me if the story end happy ending right. A Scholarship for a masters degree, its the third (or fourth) this year. Its like that i am not destined for a higher degree. Maybe dreams are just dreams and hope comes with a limit, i just don’t know it sooner.
They say if you work hard on your dreams then it will happen, whoever strive shall succeed. I have wanted to become a scientist since high school, I wanted to become the frontier of a subject and being the best on it. For that i have been worked hard for it ever since by becoming competitive in academics, joining science olympiad and competition. Alas, the work don’t pay much. Generally become a loser in most of it. Only get lucky once before then lose it all before the grand prize. Come to the recent event, i took a path toward a higher degree as a way to achieve my goal to become a scientist. I have been studying by myself a lot on the subject, researching on the institution, plan on getting funding, etc. I spent not only my time and energy, but also my hard earned money. But to this day, it has been zero progress, still not moving from point zero. I guess whoever strive doesn’t necessarily shall succeed. Cut the crap and bullshit.
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They say shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. While thinking that my dreams becoming a scientist fading, i can become a successful professional. Well, the jokes on me. I always wanted to become a hydrographer, even i took a serious matter learning the subject. But even after many attempt to submit my application, it return a zero response. zero! Its just like my name is on the blacklist or something. Now i can earn a modest living in the field of aerial survey, in which i hate this field because each year the requirement for one just become crazier due to the industry expertise are a long dead. You expected to have a skill as a pilot to a programmer in order to have a decent pay. If your skill less than that well good luck with a minimum wage. And mind you my skills are not the best in this field so you can guess how much i got paid, the 26 yrs old that still live in his parent house while his friends now build their own family and house. So for checkpoint, i aim for the moon (scientist) and failed, and expected to fall upon the stars (professional) in which just decent at best.
Then it come down to the last, they say that you must find something other than your main works. Well fuck, i am not good at any hobby. I cant play music, definitely i cant draw. The closest thing to a hobby is sport. Even that i am not good at most of it wkwkwk. I am bad at every sport that has “-ball” in it ending. At some point i found i can do martial arts, even in that i am not doing well, just got my ass beat in my last sparring competition. Even in my side quest i am failing wkwkwk. Thats comedy.
Sometimes i wonder if i can get free from this rat race, can i came out as a winner and see the light at the end of the tunnel? Its nice to see friends and colleagues can have it all at once nice paying jobs, houses, spouses, degrees in the same timeframe as i. Why others story can be a success and sweet story while mine only can be bitter at best. A story of failure for other to learn. Did we live in the same earth? or maybe i live on the slower version of earth?
As the day passed, i only feel that the shadow lurking greater everyday.
As i write this last line, its past midnight. Today i will be getting ready for work and continue working as nothing happened. Friends and families told me that there is no time to dwell !Keep your chin up! there will be another opportunities! there will be another ways! just try again! Its God Plan all along!
I just hope that while i am more far than ever to my dreams and goals, i can achieve peace. And i hope that the peace come from the soothing light at the end of the tunnel not the shadow that lurking from within.
