Once

Photo by Zach Lezniewicz on Unsplash

I miss the innocence

I miss the decisiveness

I miss it when things were simpler.

There were no expectations, no norms, no ‘acceptable’ ways of being.

Where I can just be me

And you can just be you.

At that time, I had nothing.

No friends, no clique, no W/L.

I had no one to impress, nothing to perform against.

I was the most carefree.

Then I started gaining.

Then the expectations stacked up.

I started wanting more, I started feeling not enough.

I started losing my temper

I started feeling more self-conscious.

It’s not easy carrying these feelings

But I didn’t have an avenue to let them out.

So many times, I wanted to tell you

The things that have been bothering me

The thoughts that have been haunting me

The moments where I felt inadequate

But life got busy

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And I got scared.

So I turned away, and looked away.

I didn’t mean to ignore you

I didn’t mean to confuse you.

If I accidentally hurt you with my words,

know that I never meant to,

and I’m sorry…

I don’t want to hurt you with my wounds

I don’t want you to face the sharp edges

that even I can hardly bear.

I may have already hurt you

But I don’t want to cut you deeper.

I’ve seen how you are like when you were forced to be someone else

And I don’t want to be the one causing it.

So, just let me be.

In the meantime,

please be happy, please be carefree.

Without me.

P.S.

I don’t mean to abandon you

I’m not angry at you, either.

I’m still here.

Just tired.

But still around.