Food for thought
Moods. What’s a mood? I woke up yesterday fowl. No interest in being alive. No hope. Just existence. Pain and suffering. Feeling stupid, useless, human. Reaching for anything seemed an exercise in futility. But I still worked on a some things. It was forced. So what the hell is that? Bad sleep helped. Feeling off for days. Watching myself react to the world like a meat puppet. Drawn down to the sewers again and again….feeling like I have to be right. Lost in emotion. Thinking things like, I have to help these people, why can’t they see. Why are they choosing to suffer? Can’t you see, cause and effect — what you do today will be your tomorrow. And I still reached for that bag of chips and ate them knowing full well. WTF is this? Why? And this. This becomes the feeling of being a loser. Lost. Stupid. Dumb. Useless. I should know better and I do — but still I get caught. Over and over sucked down to the plane of the animal — existing — not living. Why?
I can see why in my daily meditations. Doing a guided meditation on letting go every day. I think my best so far was to be totally focused for 40 seconds — out of 20 minutes. Imagine that. It will seem a miracle to get to a full minute — and here lies the answer. Mental discipline. An untrained mind. Not able to focus — and I mean total single pointed focus.
Get K’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
Also working on learning my instrument better. The guitar. Working on arpeggios, scales with arpeggios and picking technique. It’s slow going. But every day I can notice an improvement. The thing here is that I’m allowing myself to go slow. The physical part of playing, muscles, calluses are not there. And I understand this takes time….so why can’t I accept the meditations? It bothers me.
All through my life, I have repeated this process — TODAY I AM GOING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING! Gonna LIVE what I know, every moment and from now on no weakness. No compromise. Gonna do it now and forever. And 5 minutes later, the toe gets smacked and I’m just a meat puppet again….so fast. I guess the intent is good, although I wonder.
I have drank of unity consciousness. Been oneness. Seen the beauty of this world and reveled in it. Felt complete compassion, immersed in egoless joy. Experienced no-self. I have died, many times. Left this body, and seen myself from the outside. Experienced the ultimate knowledge of no death. Been the recipient of too much good will from others to even question whether this world, and the people in it are wonderful being filled with compassion. I know this. I know all this. And still, I wake up in a mood.
What a trip this life is. How totally amazing. Shocking. Totally freaking astounding this existence. To love everything, even my stupidity and judgements — well, that’s a way’s off still — but today — I awoke — said my morning prayers and thanks for another try. Am working out — did my guitar exercises — laundry and in just a bit, after one more round of the workout will do my letting go meditation and maybe get 50 seconds of real focus in. And maybe, just maybe this is it. This is what its about. The intent. To not give up. To stay on the path no matter what. To be stupid, a loser. They write stories for hero's, but the silent hero's go unheard. We the multitude who quietly try to ascend. To survive. To learn. Change. And to understand that we have always been and always will be fully awake.
