Day 24
Every year for the last 3 years I have done a values check in to see where my values are and if I’m living my life according to them. Living your life through your values is important because it allows you to adjust and make changes that actually serve you, rather than doing everything you are “supposed” to do. For example, if someone says one of their top values is family but they spend all their time in the office, they aren’t living through their values and will continue to feel less and less fulfilled. Now if one of your top values is achievement or work ethic, then you would be on the right track.
My values have changed every single year. Every new year brings on new challenges, losses and gains. There are some that stay consistent and go without saying, but I have to make sure I’m still catering to those as well. Before the pandemic, my top 3 values were friends, fun, and vulnerability. After the pandemic my values were healthy, intelligence, and fun. My last values check in was last summer during group counseling class and they were authenticity, connection and safety.
Safety is one I didn’t know I was missing until I had it. It’s clear to me now that I didn’t feel safe in my body or in many of my decisions, therefore my daily drinking allowed me to forget that existed and keep truckin’ along. I was always physically safe, that was luckily never an issue. I didn’t feel emotionally safe with myself and others, and so many people walk around without emotional safety and don’t even know it.
Emotional safety is what allows me to be my truest, loudest, villainous self. You know that person you can tell all your deepest secrets, feelings and fears with, that’s what emotional safety is. I’ve been lucky enough to have that with some friends over the years, but never with a partner. Until I met B. Emotional safety is the key to true connection, which I know is what we all want at the end of day, whether you want to admit that or not ya big tough guy. Emotional safety is the glue that holds all my values together.
In order to identify emotional safety for yourself, it starts by being able to define your feelings and then actually feeling them, instead of using whatever unhealthy coping mechanism you have to keep everything pushed down. In doing so, you learn a lot about yourself. I understand most people aren’t ready to put in that work, but for me I wanted to get to the bottom of why I was feeling so shitty all the time and I didn’t want to continue to drink every emotion away or exacerbate every intense emotion with alcohol.
When I say I value safety, people automatically go to physical safety. While I do believe that is important and do my best to stay out of harm’s way, my physical safety luckily isn’t in danger on a day to day basis. My emotional safety however is being put on full display on this blog and in person with those I highly trust and value. If you have ever wondered why someone you love isn’t sharing something with you, it could be that they have something to hide. But in my personal experience, I don’t share intimate, personal details with someone I don’t feel that connected emotional safety with. Often times if you aren’t getting information from a loved one, it’s not them, it’s you. If you want insight into someone’s life, you have to put in the work to re/build the trust and connection between the 2 of you.
My whole life I have always felt connected with my mom and was able to tell her most things happening in my life. My “dad” on the other hand, not so much. I’ve always felt unconditional love, felt seen and heard, and truly understood by my mom, even if we didn’t completely agree. I’ve always felt like I had to earn my dads love and attention, and no matter how much I rebelled, he still never truly saw me. He doesn’t know so many things about me because I never felt my emotions were safe to show with him. And now after 30 years, we are estranged, but that’s a whole other possible post.
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Writing this blog is easy. It’s the final decision to publish and then take it a step further and share it on my Facebook that takes the real courage. Every post gets easier and easier to post because I know that I’m reaching people. Even if only one person reads this and resonates with it and realizes they are not alone in this world, then I have accomplished my goal. I have fought battles inside my head and out in the world to find my inner peace. I have crossed out A LOT of people who made my tummy topsy-turvy in a bad way.
If you interested in learning more, I have found a great read on all the in’s and out’s of emotional safety:
https://firstthings.org/4-things-to-know-about-emotional-safety/
But these are my biggest takeaways from the reading:
We may not be aware of the subtle ways we cause harm with
-sarcasm
-blaming
-shaming others.
Instead, traits like
-respect
-kindness
-appreciation foster safety.
Here are some actions you can take to maintain emotional safety:
- Be consistent. Be there for your spouse, child, friend, or co-worker. When you are consistently present, others see you as reliable and trustworthy.
- Listen actively. Listen to learn, not to respond. I often struggle with this. We have to slow down and listen.
- Be curious, not judgmental. Be interested in what the other person is interested in. Ask questions.
- Lead with empathy and compassion. Feel what they feel and genuinely care about who they are and what they believe.
