Gambler’s Anonymous
I’m not a person who plays games with people, preferring to handle conflicts upfront in real-time as they occur. Unfortunately, most people including myself, are uncomfortable with uncomfortable conversations, but unlike most people, I’m uncomfortable only with the fact that I struggle with controlling my anger. My appearance tends to lend to others that I have no problems and therefore have no reason to be angry. People totally miss the monster of repressed and unexpressed anger that lives inside of me…the culmination of a lifetime of emotional abuses against my person in an intolerable and overly cruel world. Essentially, I must learn how to manage a very real and pretty wicked case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
My PTSD affects every facet of every relationship in my life, including the one I have with myself. Lucky for me, my journey has taught me to write and cash my reality checks, regularly and faithfully. My credit score nor my bank account reflect my good karmic standing and it’s time to change that. I had a psychotic break with reality during quarantine and I’m still picking up pieces from the nuclear bomb I dropped on my life that set fire to all my personal relationships. Because God is good, I discovered that I’m faithful and fortunate, blessed with a pink velveteen rabbit’s foot. Born a card-carrying member of Gambler’s Anonymous, I bet the next stage of my life I can make a billion dollars cashing in other people’s karmic debts, simply by telling my story.
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Acceptance has been my biggest asset. My father is a pit boss at a casino, he taught me how to write. My mother is a community property manager, she taught me how to read. I was raised by a nurse, she taught me to keep and manage a home and how to excel under pressure. Putting it all together, I had to accept myself, what I stand for, and where I wanted to go next. I’ve been shown each one of my toxic traits, how I reflect others in my environment, the way I mirror their behavior, and how it’s obvious I have some legitimate anger issues with my tendency to pick fights with people as a form of deflection. I’ve discovered that the best way to find out how someone really feels about you is to piss them off. It’s illuminating if you can take the heat; I also had to accept that people don’t hold their own feet to the fire and it’s unfair of me to hold others to a standard I can’t meet or maintain for myself.
Deciding to become the best version of myself “by any means necessary” showed me that I already have everything that I need. I am the perfect reflection of myself in my environment and I sit at the top of my family pyramid for my generation, the eldest daughter and granddaughter. They don’t make families as I come from anymore; I am literally a genus of humans prepared for extinction as I have yet to procreate, and the biological clock is ticking. I hope to celebrate my 40th birthday at the end of this month. As a gift to myself, I accept that I am ready to take my place at the top of my ancestral pyramid by realigning myself with my destiny. I don’t gamble in the casino because I take things way too far, I gamble in real life because I see how the sky is my only limit.
It didn’t become clear to me until very recently how many times I’ve gambled with my life. Literally and figuratively. I’ve not only attempted to end this iteration of my existence, but I also gamble daily with my bad girl behavior. I don’t lie to other people, but I’ve been lying to myself for years. I lied to myself for twenty-one years about who I am and what I’m capable of. Knowing and believing are entirely different concepts we typically conflate. Charles Barkley said something on “Inside the NBA” after the Sixers bit it in the first round of the playoffs last year that has stuck with me. “When you do dumb things and they work, you keep doing dumb things.” I’ve been doing a lot of dumb things that have kept me afloat for most of my adult life, but to be honest, I’m only sinking deeper into other people’s perceptions of who I am and my place in this world. Knowing who I am, believing in my truth, having this reflect accurately in my environment through my behavior so that I am compensated appropriately while living the life I have always dreamed never lined up. Now, I bet it has.
In two years, I’ve come full circle. Coincidentally, on the first new moon of the astrological new year. I can finally admit that I am indeed a visionary and it’s time to show me and the world exactly what I see in the movie that has become my life. My perfect vision of the world I managed to create for myself while lost in my own sauce resulted in every single one of my dreams coming true, exactly like I knew they would. The biggest gamble I have ever taken. Good for me my evidence is well documented, and I anticipate making billions because my crazy love feelings are going to fly me to the moon and back.
Stay tuned.
