Birthday
Looking back at those photo and recognize every face, remember every detail behind them makes me realized that I’ve killed my own soul. I was so happy. But to think that now I’m a completely different is something that I never know would be this painful. Am I full of life or just a prodigy? I forgot that I was loved, I forgot almost everything before I stumbled upon those photo. I hate growing up and I hate that in this live, love has been a struggle for me after I knew what it was. Even if I do know what it is, I never know how.
To the point I became selfish. I am. I’m scared of getting older and to see the changes in their face, in my father’s, my mother’s, my brother’s. The little me finally got out of her crib and tell me that she’s always been afraid. I’d rather die that lose them. I knew I’m selfish every time I think of making an ‘unexpected ending’ for them because I’m afraid for the probabilities of kneeling beside their corpses. In the back of my mind, I’m hugging her and tell her it’s gonna be okay and this all shall pass. But I never knew how to stand with my own feet because the reassurance never come to me, nobody teaches me how.
Then after that swollen thoughts, I know I must stop blaming everyone for the things I couldn’t control. Whatever that shaped me, I know they’re just trying their best. But for once in my life, let me see them. Let me feel. How does it feel being loved? How to maintain a good relationship? Let me be genuinely grateful for the love they’re trying to show me. Let me know how to love.
How to love myself without being selfish?
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How to get rid of the constant attempt to hurt myself?
How to stop being melancholy all the time?
Those smile, hugs, my teddy bear Binga, pink dresses, my father, my mother, my brother, my curiosity. They were there before all the pretendings.
Mom, I’m sorry that I always disappoint you and never win in anything. I’m sorry that I didn’t know where to go and ended up in such a horrible state. Dad, I’m sorry that I blamed you for everything, now that I know that I was asking too much. Maybe all the punishments, all the tears, even since I was a little, I deserve it. It’s all my fault. Everything’s my fault. I’m sorry that I still don’t know how to hold my own hands.
I’m sorry for being a bad person, a bad daughter, a bad friend, whatever it is I would take the blame because that’s the least thing I could do for the others. No matter how hard I try to give, being the coward and making all the mistakes mine is another form of escape. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry that I turned this way.
Adek, I just want you to know that I love you and I hope we’ll forever be best friend even in another life.
