Feeling Emotions
Emotional! The word often conjures images of grief, sadness, or tears streaming down someone’s face. Women, in particular, are frequently labeled as “emotional creatures,” as if emotions are their exclusive domain. Men, are often considered less emotional — we just don’t count road rage, Twitter wars, or political battles as emotions, even though they’re fueled by the same raw feelings.
But is anger, grief, sadness, or crying the only emotions? Aren’t emotions so much more than that? Happiness, delight, wonder, fear, sorrow, elation, disgust, surprise, love, shame, guilt, gratitude, jealousy, loneliness, apathy — these are all emotions too. They shape our experiences, our interactions, and our lives. Yet, in our world, we don’t always connect to these as emotions. Why? Because we’ve been taught, generation after generation, that some emotions are “bad” and should be tucked away, never to be felt or expressed.
“The true opposite of depression is not gaiety or absence of pain, but vitality: the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.” — Alice Miller
Alice believed that depression or anxiety isn’t just about chemical imbalances or being “born melancholic”. It’s about the inability to freely express or feel our emotions, whatever they may be. When we label some emotions as “good” and others as “bad,” we internalize the idea that the “bad” ones must be hidden, locked away in some deep corner of our minds or hearts, with the key lost forever.
Depression is the denial of our emotional reactions. This denial often stems from childhood trauma. Many children are never given the freedom to experience even the simplest feelings — discontent, anger, rage, pain, or even hunger. This suppression doesn’t just stay in the mind; it ripples out, affecting every part of our lives.
Kids and Emotions
When kids are happy and joyful, they’re usually free to express themselves. But in homes where emotional abuse exists, even happiness can be forbidden. When a child is sad, crying, or upset about something seemingly minor, the immediate response from parents is often to “fix” it — to make them happy again at any cost. We use every trick in the book: pointing at the moon, showing some birds, distracting them with toys, feeding them saying, “You’re not upset, you’re just hangry”. We sing, dance, cajole, and even punish — anything to avoid letting them feel those “bad” emotions. Why? Because we don’t know how to feel or express these emotions ourselves. They make us uncomfortable.
The child learns that these feelings will always be dismissed or invalidated. To survive, they suppress these emotions, believing there’s something wrong with them for feeling this way in the first place.
The impact of this is profound. As kids, teens, and eventually adults, we internalize the idea that these feelings are unwelcome, shameful. The only safe place to express them is in isolation — your room, the bathroom, anywhere but never in the presence of others — how many times have we apologized for shedding a tear in public or felt ashamed when we burst out in anger because it was never welcomed in a safe space?
Coping Mechanisms
To survive, we develop coping mechanisms to keep these emotions buried. Overeating, addictions, physical self-soothing behaviors, laughing it off, distracting ourselves with anything and everything — these become our tools. Many children suppress their emotions entirely, avoiding expression to protect themselves from negative reactions and develop people pleasing instead. This leads to emotional dysregulation, where they struggle to process their feelings properly.
As kids, we might avoid situations that trigger emotional responses, withdrawing from social interactions or activities we once enjoyed. We distract ourselves with video games, TV, or obsessive hobbies. We retreat into fantasy worlds, using imagination as an escape from emotions we don’t know how to confront. These strategies offer temporary relief but never address the underlying emotions.
Emotional Suppression as Adults
In today’s world of internet and AI, we have a billion ways to suppress emotions. Binge-watching shows, scrolling through social media, filling every moment with plans so we don’t have a second to spare — we’re so busy that the only time we’re “free” is late at night, and even then, we wonder why we can’t sleep despite being exhausted. Isn’t it that our minds are finally asking for attention, and sleep is the only time we’re still enough to listen? But instead of listening, we drown it out, creating a vicious cycle.
We take on more work than is humanly possible, keep the TV or music playing constantly, and become addicted to substances or behaviors — alcohol, drugs, social media, shopping, luxury brands — all in search of the next dopamine hit to suppress our real thoughts and feelings. But these hits are fleeting, leaving us empty once the high wears off.
We even intellectualize our emotions, reducing them to hormones, mood swings, or chemical imbalances. We’re ready to understand them intellectually but not to feel them.
Emotional Regulation
The only way through pain is to feel it. Emotions don’t disappear or escape to some distant place. They linger in our minds and bodies, waiting to be expressed and sincerely felt. Studies show that unexpressed emotions build up, creating a metaphorical pressure in the brain. When the mind can’t handle it, the stress manifests in the body. Emotions aren’t the problem — our suppression of them is.
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Honestly, we don’t know how to feel our emotions, which is why we run from them. They feel overwhelming because we’ve never allowed ourselves to experience them fully. I’ve rarely met someone who can feel and regulate their emotions instead of suppressing them. We vent to friends but rarely show our true feelings or fears.
We idolize our parents and follow their footsteps, but what happens when they couldn’t regulate their emotions either? What hope do we have when this cycle has been passed down for generations?
Parents have a responsibility to teach emotional regulation, not suppression. Regulation isn’t about hiding emotions; it’s about feeling them and managing them in a healthy way. It’s not about intellectualizing but letting your mind and body experience the sensations and acknowledge their existence.
Self-Compassion 101
There are countless ways to start this journey, and I’ve listed some at the end for you to explore. But before you dive in, remember this: for years, you haven’t allowed yourself to feel your true emotions — your authentic happiness, sadness, anger, grief. You can start now, in a safe space where you feel comfortable. It could be alone, with trusted loved ones, or ideally, with a therapist.
At first, it will feel overwhelming. You’ll want to retreat to old patterns of distraction, and that’s okay. It’s natural because your body and mind have never felt safe enough to process these emotions before. The first few times will be hard, but it gets easier with practice. Be gentle with yourself. Falling back is part of the process. Just try again when you’re ready.
Remember, these emotions could be anything — happiness, sadness, anger, resentment, grief, jealousy, fear, excitement. Whatever they are, let yourself feel them. Acknowledge their presence in your mind and body. You’re safe now to express them, at least to yourself.
And if you’re on the listening side, all you need to do is listen with empathy. Don’t interrupt, distract, or judge. Sometimes, all we need is someone to be there.
So let go — not of the feelings, but of the suppression. It’s okay to feel. You’re doing this for you.
Options to Consider
- Painting or art therapy: Assign colors to emotions if you’re unsure how to feel them.
- Venting: Share your feelings with someone you trust who can listen without judgment.
- Therapy
- Meditation: Helpful for managing overwhelming feelings.
- Somatic therapy: Connects emotions to physical sensations.
- Compassionate Inquiry: My personal favorite
- Havening
- EMDR
- Journaling
- Dance or Yoga as therapy
