Jealousy.
Is jealousy really such a bad emotion? I mean yes of course it feels really painful but is it really 'bad’? Or have we, humans, always labelled everything we don’t like as bad, just because we think we are the most intelligent species and get to decide what’s good and bad.
Think about how jealousy is portrayed in the media: it’s almost always the green-eyed monster, a destructive force that obliterates relationships. It was only in series like Full House and Modern Family where jealousy was approached with curiosity (it was still considered bad) but was handled with genuine care and curiosity about the person’s feelings.
What Is Jealousy?
Is it a relentless fire? A suffocating weight? That sinking ‘I’m-not-enough’ dread? Unlike basic emotions like happiness or sadness, jealousy is layered, multifaceted. It strikes unpredictably, a chaotic mix of grief (over perceived loss) and anger (at whatever "caused" it). It can fuel aggression—outward or imagined—or paralyze you with self-doubt. Sometimes it’s fear masquerading as rage, or sadness dressed as resentment.
And it demands urgency. When jealousy hits, we scramble to extinguish it immediately—as if feeling it for even a second means we’ve failed.
There are various versions of what jealousy feels like, because unlike the basic emotions like sadness or happiness, jealousy is a lot more complex emotion. It is layered, it is multifaceted, it strikes when you least expect it, it is everything and comes at any time.
The so-called Evolutionary Perspective
Mainstream articles love to frame jealousy as "mate guarding," a trait evolved to ensure paternity certainty and gene protection. But that’s laughable, at best. It’s very well known that monogamy or even the concept of monogamy was introduced by colonizers worldwide.
If we trust original indigenous research sources, non-monogamy has been the norm in these societies for centuries: serial monogamy, polygamy, polyandry etc. which clearly indicate they had more flexible understanding of relationships.
And definitely an emotion as deep as jealousy being imprinted in our psyche wouldn’t have been so entrenched in us if monogamy was the only challenge? I mean jealousy isn’t just for relationships, it’s in every core of our lives if we look closely at ourselves. For example, it can be towards people with natural athletic talent (my hand-eye coordination is so bad, coaches have wept).
Every mainstream research article I read, had these gaping holes: jealousy is always about romantic partners, it’s always about one partner over the other, it’s always a bad emotion and its evolution is based on monogamy.
So I did what I do.. went berserk over researching about jealousy and I found this researcher who exclusively does research on jealousy!
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Dr. Joli Hamilton, her work on how we experience, process, and heal jealousy is groundbreaking (read her insights here).
Alice Miller: Jealousy as a Childhood Wound
The psychoanalyst Alice Miller didn’t write explicitly about jealousy, but her theories on repressed trauma and narcissistic injury reveal its roots:
- Unmet Childhood Needs — Miller argued that jealousy often stems from early emotional deprivation. If a child’s needs for love, validation, and security were neglected or exploited, they may grow up with deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment.
In adulthood, jealousy can emerge as a desperate attempt to control love and attention, mirroring the powerlessness felt in childhood. - Repressed Rage — In The Drama of the Gifted Child (1979), Miller explains that children who were emotionally manipulated (e.g., praised only for performance, not for being themselves) may develop repressed anger. This suppressed rage can later manifest as jealousy—especially when seeing others receive the unconditional love they were denied.
- Narcissistic Wounds — In The Truth Will Set You Free (2001), Miller discusses how narcissistic parents create children who either idealize or resent others. Jealousy can arise when a person unconsciously resents someone who embodies the freedom or love they were deprived of.
- Defense Against Humiliation — Miller ties jealousy to childhood shaming. Fear of being "exposed" as unworthy replays old dynamics—like unfavorable comparisons to siblings or peers.
Miller believed that acknowledging childhood pain—rather than acting out jealousy—was key to healing. She emphasized therapy and honest self-reflection to uncover repressed emotions instead of projecting them onto others.
It’s no surprise that studies now confirm what Alice Miller hinted at: childhood emotional neglect leaves scars that shape how we experience jealousy as adults. When love, support, or validation were withheld — when you grew up feeling like an afterthought in your own family — it rewires your emotional blueprint. You might find yourself clinging to relationships, terrified of abandonment, replaying the same instability you knew as a child. That hunger for reassurance turns corrosive; you demand proof of love you never got, or manipulate dynamics to feel the love you lacked. And everytime it’s not just jealousy — it’s that old wound screaming: You’re not enough. You never were. The fragile self-worth you’ve carried since childhood twists every interaction into a threat, because deep down, you were never taught how to trust — not others, not yourself.
Healing
Bodies are amazing organisms which sometimes show us the way, but modern society has long lost touch with the mind-body connection. Feeling jealous isn’t something bad but rather it’s indicative of something your mind and body feel is missing in your life. Or it could be an indication of a deep rooted fear which is asking to be heard.
Obviously the first step is to acknowledge that you feel jealous. It’s ok to accept it (remember to be compassionate to yourself).
You then need to understand the root cause of your jealousy — where does it come from? Do you have the earliest memory of being jealous of something?
What was something in that situation that would have helped soothe your feelings?
And what is it in the present that your jealousy is telling you about? For example what’s missing currently in your life that your jealousy is indicative of? And is there something you can change which will help it?
(And yes, a therapist will help far more than this article 😆)
