mother wound
“kamu bakal ngerasain besok kalau udah punya anak”
or
“coba kamu rasain besok kalau aku udah mati”
that’s what my mother often told me whenever we had a fight, an argument, or when i talked back. and those words only lead me to one thing: i don’t wanna have a child of my own.
god, i dont even wanna get married. looking at my parents relatioship, i think it really affects me as their child way more then i even thought. and it shapes how i percieve relationship and marriege.
i’ve always known i have this deep resentement toward my mother. it’s easily triggered, even by the smallest things she does. it just makes me hate her all over again. i hate her as a person, not just as my mother.
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i don’t get why she thinks those words would make me respect her and go “ok, aku anak yang buruk, aku harus jadi lebih baik”. but no, of course not. it goes in the complete opposite direction. its creates something much worse in me.
i’m growing to hate her side of the family too. despite all their kindes, all i can think about is their insufferable behavior.
it’s gotten to the point where i think:
“kalau aku udah dapat kerjaan yang jauh dari sini, aku ga akan pulang kecuali adik atau papa yang minta. dan suatu saat aku bakal milih untuk nolak rayain Idul Fitri bareng keluarga besar mama”.
that always crosses my mind. even when i’m in a stable mood, i dont change my mind.
i understand where my mother is coming from, but that doesn’t mean she has the right to dump all that trauma onto her child. so i decided, it stops with me.
i’m aware it’s to the point where i’m choosing the “extreme” path (that’s what eveyone calls it). i have no intention of getting married to anyone. and i don’t wanna have a child. and that’s, that’s my ultimate revenge on my parents, on my mother.
i can always fit her idea of me being a “anak durhaka” and “anak egois”, then so be it.
