resentment
when i wanna talk about resentment, i can tell many perspectives in me as a person. as the first daughter, as a friend, as a partner, and as a member of society.
at first i thought holding resentment towards someone, something, or an idea is a bad trait. i shouldn’t feel that way.
but what if feeling it is a necessary step before i can finally let go? what if it’s the only way to realize my worth in any situation?
so i think about it often. yes, both my resentment and how i process it.
how did it happen in the first place?
was it because of my lack of boundaries? no, i know how to draw the line. the real problem starts when i actually enforce it and take action.
you see, i don’t easily lose hope in anyone or anything that matters to me. i think i gave them a lot of chances. instead of getting better, things turn out to show that they were never worth keeping or saving in the first place. simply cause i’m tired.
i AM exhausted.
sometimes people dont realizing how fuck up they are until i react. worse of it all, they get upset cause of how i react, not by their actions towards me. funny isn’t it?
suddenly i’m the villain and they’re just a person who “trying”.
trying to be “nice", trying to be “honest”, trying “not to ruin things”. but what is the intention behind it? do they really listen to me in the first place? or does it suddenly matter cause i finally broke down and wanna end things?
how many times do i have to repeat myself over and over again just to be heard?
how many times do i have to tell them someone did me wrong just for them to finally take a side? cause seeing them stay “neutral” is the worst kind of betrayal.
how many times must i be “a good listener” just to finally be listened to?
how ‘low maintenance’ do i have to be for them to realize i’m worth a reply?
how “careful” do i have to be with my words, just for them to match the bare minimum effort in return?
how fucked up do i have to be until they finally listen and i can say that i’m not completely okay?
how many times do i have to explain what hurts me over and over again for them to stop acting reckless?
how many times must i say “it hurts me” until they finally shut up about it?
how distant do we have to be for you to actually respect and be gentle to me?
do we lose respect for each other once we get close? do we stop valuing them? do we stop considering their feelings? we take everything for granted just because “kita kan udah deket.” god, i honestly hate that mindset.
i hate when people want the benefit of the relationship but don’t wanna do shit to maintain it. i grew up realizing “low maintenance friendship/partner” is bullshit, learnt it the hard way.
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i realize i often put people on a pedestal they don’t deserve. and what’s worse? i communicated. i expressed my boundaries clearly, only for them to not take it seriously. and at the end, i have to accept that speaking changes nothing when people choose not to listen.
people always say “communicate better,” but what they forget is that communication is useless when there is a lack of understanding and consideration.
i know it’s my fault for giving them multiple chances, letting my boundaries crumble just to save the relationship because “we’ve known each other for so long, it’s a waste to cut it off.” but in doing so, i sacrificed myself. i settled for less, endured disrespect, and tolerated humiliation until my soul no longer aligned with theirs.
sometimes i feel like i’m being selfish and overly dramatic. until i remember how many times i silently gave them second chances, hoping ‘maybe they’ll do better.’ but no. it’s only when i finally crash out that they realize how fucked up they were. and of course, playing the victim is easy cause then you never have to take accountability for your own actions, right?
i’m not claiming to be a saint. i’ve been shitty to people too. but i’m willing to be the bad guy in someone’s story if it means being honest, rather than playing the victim and refusing to acknowledge what an asshole i was.
so, am i just a person who cuts people off out of nowhere?
yes, depends on the perspectives. but no, i always have explanations for that, i know it has to be reasonable. and i swear i try my best to maintain things until i’m finally on my last straw.
and yes, sometimes i lose hope that fast and never consider them as a part of my life again.
but sometimes, it’s still hard for me to let go cause of the weight of resentment i’ve been carrying for a long time.
i keep giving, forgiving, and offering chance after chance. but what do i get in return? it’s never worth it. i’m not saying they never tried, i’m just tired of hoping.
at the end of the day, i’m the one to blame.
i did this to myself. this resentment doesn’t just disappear, and that’s what hurts the most. people don’t realize how heavy it weighs on your soul. it feels like carrying a heavy bag you’re desperately trying to dump, yet somehow it’s tied to you.
i’m trying, i really am. because i know brushing it off will only make it worse, and those unprocessed feelings will come back to haunt me later.
so yes, i hate people sometimes. i dont genuinely think they’re bad as a human beings, but i find their behavior exhausting.
so, once again: am i that sensitive overreacting person everyone probably thinks i am?
if defending my own peace makes me one, then so be it.
