ALMOST 30 07/24
I miss closeness at times; to be held skin on skin, questions asked feeling like longing kisses catered to the wiring of my brain.
To be known and adored all at once is incomparable.
The intimacy of known dietary requirements and snack preferences, triggers and over stimulants.
These days the thought of a hook up feels like retrieving drugs I don’t actually want. The foreplay of conversation/request is exciting but when it’s there I would rather be alone relishing in my own company or getting to know people that don’t want to touch my body.
I don’t want to be vulnerable to strangers who don’t know me or why I’ve always had my feet poking out of the covers when I sleep.
To disengage and switch on “we’re just sleeping together” was easier when I hadn’t learned to love myself yet, as the biology of my body screamed and gave me flare ups I never mentioned.
I miss closeness but the romance sticks in friendships, I recently said to a girlfriend I felt sad about never experiencing a true, healthy long term relationship.
My life CV either showcases not putting up with shit or not committing.
Although, the joint bank account I once had lasted longer than any relationship I’ve endured.
The longer I spend alone the higher my standards go, boundaries building a house I feel safe in. It’s such a treat but makes dating a hardcore interviewing process.
I can only celebrate the choices I made that got me where I am. Everything is a lesson, situationships by definition make me turn like a flood of saliva to my mouth before it heaves bile.
The thought of not having a sense of belonging next to someone I’ve been intimate with, is a feeling better replaced with a skin care routine and a tracked load of decent sleep.
To be with someone at full capacity mentally who uses you as a physical release, picks at the scab of not feeling enough. The scab dead and dry, satisfying to tear but it scars. Performs as an imprint on the skin as you do in bed to be remembered.
Get Millicent J Gorringe’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
The real intimacy is the warmth from my own bed, a clear conscious and a text from the friends’ close in the morning asking me how I slept. Over being so desperate for a morning pee and holding it incase the person next to you gets up and out of bed and doesn’t hold you enough.
The surrounding of like minded people light me up from my heart, it makes me glowy and shine on those close to me. But when it comes to dating my wings feel clipped.
To turn myself down a little means I’m not too much, this level of discernment doesn’t come with silence.
It’s the language of living that gets me to feel safe in the first place, its the consistency that is huddled through my relationships amongst my closest friends.
Playing it cool doesn’t equate to my true intimacy.
I want us truly naked before we take off our clothes. Mind to mind, morals and intellect. Kiss the ideas and excitements that trickle out of my expressive face.
The three day we’ve done nothing all weekend smell, fluffy headed and effortless each day on our time. Not just because it’s filled with an unnecessary extravaganza of intercourse. There are far too many things to do, to ask, to play.
Manifestation cringes those in fear of big ambitions.
The other day I wrote a list of manifestations painting my future and forgot to include a partner, maybe I’m a pessimist or I’ve just become content with not looking anymore.
Sometimes, it’s as if the scabs need pressing again to not forget where I came from.
And if I’m not careful it’s a continual cycle of the same person I attract but in different costumes.
I think I find dating so hard because it’s the one part of me I cannot seek to heal from without the help of someone else.
A moth to a flame scared to truly let go and settle into the feelings of someone else. As the pit of my stomach doesn’t know what’s safe and what isn’t anymore. So instead to be a pessimist is to be safer than to be nothing at all.
I’d love a relationship but do I say that just because I feel like I should be in one? After all, I’m almost 30 and that’s what everyone else is doing, right?
