All at Once
It finally hit me this morning. The onboarding email popped up in my inbox, the work kit was physically dropped off at my door, and I realized: Oh my god, it’s actually real. I am so incredibly excited.
The timeline of how I got here still feels wild to think about. Months ago, I made it to the final round for a different role at this company. I was so sure I had it, and when the rejection came, I completely broke down in tears from the sheer exhaustion of trying.
Then, months later, I found another role at the exact same company. I put myself out there again, only to get rejected again. But just four days after that second rejection, I saw the role opened back up. I swallowed my pride, hit apply one more time, and now here we are. I won.
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But the universe has a really twisted sense of timing, and today everything collided at once. I got a rejection email from an old application, I turned down a different interview offer, and then the message arrived that actually made me sad: my professor told me my research funding got approved.
When I was at my lowest, complaining about not finding anything, this professor immediately took me under her wing. Even though her schedule was completely packed, she wrote my project and did my application just to help me stand on my feet. Having to send her a heart-wrenching email today telling her I can’t do it anymore felt awful. It is so bittersweet to let go of a prestigious opportunity and a mentor who had my back, just because my dream door finally opened. Why does the universe keep you waiting for months, only to hand you everything on the exact same time?
Now that the dust is settling, I’m staring at this work kit and realizing I am stepping into the absolute unknown. The nerves are definitely creeping in.
Am I going to like it? Are they going to like me? Will I do well? Am I going to look back and regret giving up that research?
I don’t have a single answer right now. But even with the anxiety and the guilt of leaving the research behind, the excitement is what’s driving me. I am going to give this internship absolutely everything I have until the very end. I am going to make a name for myself in this company,not because I have it all figured out, but because I worked too hard to get here, and failing isn’t an option.
Off topic:I never knew it could be so hard to find a pair of corporate trousers for a slim girl. I spent the whole day dragging myself from one store to another, drowning in fabrics that swallowed me whole, feeling like I was trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t built for me. But after what felt like an endless search, I finally found my size.
