On a random Tuesday
When I first thought about writing this, I hesitated. A voice in my head told me that I talk about it too much, that I should just move on in silence but this is my experience, my skin, and my history. Why should I censor the very thing that changed who I am?
The focus here isn’t the other person but meee.
You really do get over things on a random Tuesday. You make it to the other side of a day you once genuinely believed would never come. It took months, It took a year of heavy breathing and sleepless nights and even though the ghost of the past still lingers in the quiet corners of my mind, the undeniable truth remains: I got over it.
Looking back over the past few months, there are things I did that now make me wince with shame. If I could turn back time, I would have left quietly the exact moment it was over. I wish I hadn’t crashed out. I wish I hadn’t sent those desperate, angry messages. I wish I hadn’t let pain transform me into someone who felt like a parasite, clinging to what was already dead.
But time only moves in one direction. I cannot undo the wreckage of how I reacted to being broken. The only thing left to do is gather up the lessons, hold them tight, and force myself to grow from it.
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The past still lingers,the memories are still there but I can finally live with them. The crushing weight in my chest is gone. My heart has finally broken free from the cage of the past.
A small, lingering part of me wishes I could apologize for my behavior after the breakup. I want to clear my conscience, to say I’m sorry for how I handled the ending but then I stop. Do you even deserve that apology?
My only real mistake was trusting you. My only crime was loving you.
I would have apologized, but can you fix what you broke? It is impossible, right?
I would have said we are now even, but that is a lie. There is no symmetry in this pain, no balance . I hate the monster that I became because of you.
They say you can never truly hate someone you once loved. They say that if hate is still there, it just means you still care, that you still feel something. I completely disagree.
I hate you. I hate that I ever came across you. I hate that our paths crossed in this lifetime. I hate you, and more than anything, I hate what you turned me into
