She Kept Becoming
I love this title because, wow… considering how this year started and how far I have come, wow is honestly all I can say.
A few days ago, I met my ex boyfriend.
And yes, I still feel everything.
Sometimes, a small part of me still wishes that if he ever came back and asked us to do it again, I would gladly say yes. But then again, I have seen his fiancée. She seems humble and loving, and somehow, deep down, I know she is the right one for him.
That realization still makes me sad sometimes.
But recently, someone said something that stayed with me: it takes time for things to work themselves out, and for certain emotions to stabilize.
Maybe that is what has been happening to me.
A couple of weeks ago, I met a new guy too.
He was a sweet guy. The kind of person you would genuinely enjoy talking to. Handsome, kind, and easy to be around. But he wasn’t doing things the way I wanted them to be done.
And perhaps, if I’m being completely honest, part of the problem was that I was still carrying the resentment of being left. I kept comparing him to the gentleman who chose someone else over me.
My ex boyfriend was a lovely man. I know that. And I know his fiancé hit the jackpot with him.
Deep down, I know he did everything right when he was pursuing me. He was my friend first. He had a caring heart and a listening ear. He would make sure you were fed. He paid attention. He showed up.
And the new guy?
I’m certain I simply didn’t give him enough of a chance.
I didn’t give myself enough time to understand how he loved, how he handled life, or what it might have felt like if I had allowed myself to give it a real chance.
I tried.
Honestly, I wanted to.
But my heart refused.
And when I finally told him that I didn’t think I could push through with it, I felt relieved rather than sad.
Funny, isn’t it?
I have seen the new guy at church since then, and strangely enough, I am glad I let him go.
The only thing I feel guilty about is that I put him on a weighing scale with my ex boyfriend.
He never asked to be compared to someone else.
He deserved to be seen for who he was.
But letting him go has shocked me too, because I don’t feel an ounce of hurt or anger.
Instead, I remember how angry I used to get when the new guy wouldn’t do things the way I wanted. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn’t necessarily his fault.
He was simply being himself.
And maybe that was when I knew I needed to let him go — not because he wasn’t good enough, but because I wasn’t in the right place to receive what he was offering.
He deserves to meet someone who will appreciate his effort. Someone beautiful, appreciative, amazing, and everything good.
And I genuinely hope he does.
As for me…
I didn’t know I would be able to say this in February.
Eight months later, I’m okay.
I still feel little pangs of sadness when I see my ex-boyfriend. But it isn’t the anger or the unbearable pain I felt when I found out about his proposal.
It doesn’t consume me anymore.
So, I guess that’s progress.
I’m not ready to date yet.
That, I know for sure.
But when the time comes, I hope I get it right this time.
I hope I am chosen — not because of pity, loneliness, convenience, or desperation, but because someone genuinely sees me and knows that I am worth choosing.
And maybe this is the part where I finally understand why I called this chapter She Kept Becoming.
Because I am glad I took this route.
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I’m glad I let things unfold the way God decided they should.
There were moments when I desperately wanted to interfere. Moments when I thought I knew what my life should look like. Moments when I prayed for one particular outcome and couldn’t understand why God was allowing something else.
But somehow, in the middle of all of it, I kept becoming.
Becoming softer.
Becoming wiser.
Becoming more honest with myself.
Becoming someone who can let go without hating.
Someone who can love someone and still accept that they are not meant to be hers.
Someone who can meet a good person and admit, “I am not ready for this.”
Someone who can look back and say, Maybe God knew what He was doing after all.
I write this with a smile on my face.
I’m not where I want to be yet.
But I am certainly not where I was at the beginning of the year.
And that matters.
2026 did not have the best start.
But so far, so good.
There are still so many things unfolding, so many things I am yet to understand, so many versions of life I haven’t experienced.
And I know, deep down, that I haven’t met the best version of myself yet.
I haven’t seen who I will become.
I don’t know where I’ll live, what I’ll do, what I’ll build, who I’ll love, or who will love me.
I don’t know what the next few years will hold.
But I am excited to find out.
And when that day comes — the day when everything finally makes sense, when I look back at this version of me and smile because somehow, everything fell into place — I hope we’re still friends.
Or rather…
pen pals.
And I hope I get to tell you all about it.
I hope I get to tell you about the life I once prayed for.
About the love I didn’t have to beg for.
About the woman I became.
About how God was writing a story I couldn’t understand while I was living it.
And most of all, I hope I get to tell you that life became beautiful.
Not perfect.
Not without heartbreak.
But beautiful.
Because maybe that is what becoming really is.
Not becoming the person you imagined you’d be.
But becoming the person you were always meant to be.
And so, here I am.
Still becoming.
Still learning.
Still trusting.
Still becoming.
With a warm heart and a smile,
Zhivah
