Figuring out
I don’t have a good relationship with my father-in-law, and it becomes difficult for me when we have family get-togethers. Since I live separately, the rest of the year feels less stressful. And I don’t converse with him much.
But this time, I had to attend a family event, although I was excited. I was determined to not go, due to health issues and financial constraints. But somehow I ended up going.
I am like an invisible person during these events. But that’s something I’m not used to. Here I don’t feel a connection with anyone, not even a single soul but I see everyone converses with each other, making fun of each other. I’m just a spectator. So, obviously, I don’t have much inclination towards these events.
I am used to being the limelight, this feels new and sad, like I know how much I can shine, but I sit in darkness dulling my shine as there’s no one I could connect to.
Everything was going as it used to, and then suddenly, my father-in-law stopped me from doing something, without any explanation. All I did was, cover my husband with a blanket as he fell asleep.
I felt offended, I felt angry like how dare anyone stop me from doing anything I like to my husband. I guess that showed on my face. He still didn’t budge, he asked me to use a different blanket. I was hesitant, at that time, I felt rejected.
Can’t I even choose a blanket for my husband! I stood there frozen while he kept on pushing for this new blanket. Should he have to interfere in this too? I thought, while scanning all my past experiences.
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My mother-in-law who is an avid advocate of my father-in-law wanted to smooth things out, so she was trying to clear the misunderstanding he caused. She whispered the reason to me.
One of my relatives who had been to a hospital used this blanket to cover himself. And my father-in-law didn’t want the same blanket to be used on his son.
All of this may be correct, and valid. But I was still hesitant, and I was forced to cover my husband with a new blanket. I knew this was his way of showing care for his son and his family, yet I felt like I was pushed from a cliff.
My mood was ruined; I couldn’t walk away, as I was amidst all the relatives, and due to the same reason, I couldn’t even say anything. I sat there in silence scrolling my social media with a lot of regret, anger and feelings of rejection.
As a family, as a father he made a decision for his son as a well wisher. I totally get it. But since his beloved son is married now, these kinds of decisions lie entirely with me. It’s about feeling included. He feels only he has the right to make these decisions, as he’s trying to protect. But I don’t remember asking him for his advice or help. Just like how he feels safe enough to make these decisions openly for others, thinking I or everyone will accept them. I need to feel the same safety to make my own decisions in his presence, thinking he will accept them. But does he really? Only God can know.
But as time passed, I cooled down and became normal. But I couldn’t brush off the feeling that my father-in-law overstepped his boundary. My husband is his son, no doubt but now he’s my husband too. Any kind of decisions we make will be ours and should be ours. All advices are welcomed, but not obligations or compulsions.
It’s not about right or wrong decisions. It’s about the journey of making mistakes, learning from them, and making new ones as a couple, and as a family. It felt like I was being snatched from this opportunity of learning .
My thoughts were very random. I also kept thinking about my future. When I have kids, this kind of behaviour from him could be more. I don’t want to be told or be pushed into doing something I don’t want to. I want to make decisions for my family, and this kind of interference in the future will not only be annoying but also stressful to me.
But I stopped myself, took a pause. I didn’t want to cause myself additional stress by thinking about the future.
Meanwhile, some time passed and my father-in-law appreciated me for not rejecting him or creating a scene when he said no. He explained that, if he is saying something, there must be a reason, even if I don’t understand it then, and if I have a problem with it, I could always go and sort that later with him directly.
All of this sounded perfect even to me who has known him for 4 years, and never had this opportunity to sort things out with him because he’s not a listener, especially not when someone tells him if they have issues with him. To my ears, the above words sounded like a sweet dream. I wanted to badly believe it even if that means I will be fooled by his words, for a thousandth time.
I let it go,because I chose peace over conflict. I still have to figure out how to convey to him, that healthy boundaries are important even within a family. And I’m not even sure if I ever will be successful in doing this. But all I know I will keep on trying till I succeed as I respect my peace, and my autonomy over anything.
