Sell-by Date
A Play in one act.
Colo and Jaz. Male students 20.
A messy student’s flat. Colo has earphones and is trying to read from a file, but he is lost in the music, moving his hands rhythmically. A dog is heard yapping, and enters Jaz holding a puppy close to his chest.
Colo : Thought I heard a dog yapping.
Jaz : You heard right.
Colo : Why?
Jaz : Why what?
Colo : We’ve got a whole chicken in the fridge.
Jaz : I know, I did the shopping myself … and by the way you owe me seven pounds thirty-seven pee. Here’s the bill. Why what?
Colo : What’s the puppy got to do with the chicken in the fridge?
Jaz : (facetious) Dunno … what’ s the puppy gotta do wi/
Colo : I mean why did you go and buy a puppy? When we’ve already got a whole chicken? And don’t expect me to kill him.
Jaz : What are you talking about? Why would you need to kill it?
Colo : Don’t tell me you’ll just drop him in a pot of boiling water … like a bleeding lobster.
Jaz : Are you on anything? A bit early in’it? We’re not gonna eat the little fellow.
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Colo : Then why did you go buy him? Or is it a her?
Jaz : (Laughs) First I didn’t buy him. And no one eats dogs.
Colo : Haitians do. Donald Trump said so. They steal honest Americans’ pets to eat them.
Jaz : I got him as a pet. To stay in the flat with us here.
Colo : (sighs with relief) Will he share the rent?
Jaz : Share the rent? You are on something then. He’s not earning anything.
Colo : An effing layabout on top of everything. We can’t afford tohave anybody living here rent-free. We’re not an effing charity And where will he sleep?
Jaz : He’ll sleep in my room. In my bed if he wants to.
Colo : He can’t do that … it’s a health hazard … he’ll be sheddinghairs all over the place…
Jaz : There’ll be lots of positives too. We can take him for runs on the commons…
Colo : I’ll give you one good reason why we cannot keep him. Sell-by-date.
Jaz : What’s sell-by-date got tp do with anything?
Colo : You need everything spelled out for ya, do you? I’ll explain… when do we go shopping?
Jaz : Usually Thursday evenings.
Colo : The first sensible thing you’ve said today. Thursday evening. And I’ll remind you why. Because that’s when Tesco’s mark down their prices and us poor students can afford to buy some not so fresh meat at half price. That’s when/
Jaz : I see. What’s your point?
Colo : Dog food comes in tins and they don’t have a sell-by-date.
Jaz: There’s a food bank three blocks away where you can claim free dog food.
