Breathe
I can’t scream. They need me to be quiet.
Surrounded by a relentless and never ending room. The walls barren and carrying voices across the walls.
In and out. Iiiinn & oouut.
This place is bleak, too mundane for the everyday. No one would no where it is and would rather not be in this type of place. You can’t find normal people here. *No, these aren’t people.* These are figments of my imagination. All the people I’ve met, dreamed of, and kept secret as a version that was only meant for me. Their faces blurred and conversations endless. But they have yet to know the surface level Of their existence.
I’m gasping and choking on the slime that sticks to my lungs and claws itself up my throat. Scratching the surface of my esophagus to feel something that was never there before; the sensation of burning, a symbol of fire raging within my lungs. The ragged flow of air throughout my body is the only thing keeping me alive. I’m hanging by my last thread.
They need me.
I’m in shambles; stuttering, suffering and somehow surviving. Surveilling my surroundings is the only thing that keeps me stable. I give myself the fake sense of security.
Check one, check two, check three…
Sideways stares and stories whispered by strangers surround my senses. Stories of no meaning, drama and other troubles or tribulations.
Run.
They’re onto me.
Rushing through the veins within my skin adrenaline kicks itself into drive. The place of origin to where I go is unknown, yet I pace myself to find a door; the one that’s the most bland and unbroken. The burn in my chest becomes more apparent as I’m being swept by the current of outsiders camaraderie. They stand in front of me, confronting me of my past sins, my fake scenarios, and plans that are yet to be spoken. I’m strangling myself for air and faltering forward as my feet pound the earth with every stride I take. Relentless and rushing towards the doors of anticipation I fling myself into a desperate lunge before I realize it’s too late. Banging my head and fist against the door will do nothing but redirect the pain.
I failed, all the doors are dead.
I relived a life that was remembered by no more than many. I relax my body towards the floor, slinking myself down the unforgiving door. Cold from the door emits as it slowly decays and fades away. The dead door plasters its last freezing breath through my head and travels down my neck till I begin to freeze. The sensation thrilling and restoring. Taking its time to weave itself throughout my body; no rushing, only waiting. The air chills itself around me in a wave of blissful ignorance. I give in.
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***
I’m trying to keep myself upright with a straight head. The sensation that my body is flailing around is intense in my head, but when I look around me I see that I am the only one that feels like lead.
I wait patiently to be greeted with disappointed faces and disturbed sights of people who no longer see the version of the new me. They twist their heads and stare at me. I’m faced with people who see but don’t feel, and listen but don’t heal. They feel like empty shells.
There souls are wandering and waiting to fit into their rightful shell. Without a direction to follow they do not know when they need to move in, they are no longer important to the shells that stand before me.
I want these people to better themselves. To stay silent and project within themselves. To delve into their soul and allow them to have a sense of direction. I am led a miss when I forget that the simple pleasures of life don’t affiliate itself to me. These are simple things that people live by and cherish more closely to their heart than I could ever leave an impression towards. It’s when the possession of a worldly artifact is more important than expanding on the self and reflecting inward on the current situation.
In the many ways that I see people, I don’t think they see me. I’m supposed to put my energy through others. To help them see the side of themselves they no longer wish to explore. I am meant to relieve myself of my impurities alongside them while I adjust to the new surroundings. Others take time for this change, while I do not. I thrive in the dark and lonely places that earth brings on my path.
No one, not a soul, would ever wish to live my life or be apart of my shoes.
They would scream ear splitting screeches as they reacted in terror before I revealed what was behind the shiny, silk curtain of the depths of my personal hell. The fault would be on me. No one knows about me and no one asks or cares. I drive myself deeper into the dark because I’m not welcome anywhere else. I have no means to clean out the hell hole within me, even if I want to branch out. I try to but the vines take hold of my ankles, yanking me back and leaving me to thrash to stay alive and afloat in the depths that I have created. I stay hidden in the abyss till I am meant to be out with the people of my choosing.
The world won’t hear me unless I make them. I must turn their heads and make them stare, as I did when I broke the doors. I make them feel my threatening heartbeat takes its last patterned pulse and turn it into a new beat. The beat that aches and waits to break at the demise of my unveiling. To watch the show of people I love, to see their faces fall into blurs and rise with the troubling look of a perceived journey.
I forget people move slower than I do.
I want to teach people to reflect on themselves. To let them figure out how they need to reflect and go about that reflection. To dig into the situation and perceive it as something that is anew to them. I need them to learn and be in tuned to themselves. I want them to dig deeper than what is given to them in the world and see themselves for who they are, not what they think they are based off the artifacts in front of them. I want them to reminisce on what they say, think, and do so they know why they are performing such actions.
People who do not take a look inward are bound to create turmoil for others on the outside.
I want people to find their souls again; to reconnect with their energy. It is needed for a healthy look on life, to see what is hidden beneath the veil of artificial life. I need to do this in a way that is suitable to many and not some. I need it to be appealing to others but respectful, allowing creation and a sense of responsibility throughout the people I gather. I need their souls present, to stop with all the unnecessary things and finally do what is needed of them.
People need to dive in the deep in order to learn how to breathe.
~~~
Love, Scarlett <3
