You
You’re breaking a shell I never knew existed. Your voice stops the flow of nature and freezes the passage of time. It stops and starts the processes of my mind. When you’re gone, I restart, one process flowing at a time; turning into a frenzy of fears and enormous emotions. A feeling of stillness that I am yet to be used to, but am persistently trying to obtain on my own. For no reason at all, you are the one who has let my mind flow productively. You are the one who allows my brain to feel connected to my heart. I feel like I am allowed to think for myself without being selfish and try out different emotions that I have yet to discover comfortably till now.
You’re mine in my mind.
I find you where I know I shouldn’t, at least for right now. I am sure that I am early with my feelings but unsure all the same time. I am unable to process these emotions, I cannot grieve them or release them. I have to let them sit, feel uncomfortable with them, and then possibly allow myself to feel them.
I’ve never felt comfort in the uncomfortable.
I’m unsure of my words as the world move on around me. Talking to you is a blessing that I can be apart of; it is a blessing that sits upon the tops of mountains, far better than what is found on the tops of trees. You are far more harder to achieve. Simple with values. Is something that is hard to believe. It is something not easy to obtain. It’s a simple life that is pleasing to the eye, something that seems out of reach to me and yet is too easy of an achievement.
I have yet to achieve a simple life. The routine life of everyday, has never been something that is easy for me to do. I hope to somehow obtain a life of simplicity and routine, but that life is not meant for me. I am not a simple creature. I am a habit that takes getting used to. I am constantly only doing what is best for me, and that is not whatever is involved in a routine. I cannot do specifics, I have to leave my day vague to obtain whatever is a necessity. I am trying to make my life better for myself and to be on-time with the things that have meaning to me. I am allowing myself leisure and persistence. So that I can make room for a future of routine and presentation. I am not too far from my goals, even if I think I can no longer try to achieve them. I am closer to myself than I realize, and that is all because of you.
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I am able to step back and take part in something that is meaningful to me. To write, and do what I want to, not having to do what I need to. I have been able to talk, and hear myself think for once. I’m not as lost as I used to be and have been able to see what I need clearly. To not be lost and to replace it with comfort. I haven’t fallen in a while, but I no longer need to if I still have you. Talking and writing are the same thing to me. So talking to you, my dear, is something that I find nearest to my heart, and you will forever be the greatest thing to me.
My heart reaches out to you, for I have found something that I need to take part in because it makes me feel comfortable. It is an odd feeling to be comfortable with you, not necessarily that it is you, but more so that I am who I am and I feel safe with you. I am sitting with my feelings everyday and the ability to express them is a blessing that I take in with every encounter of your voice. I am free because of you. I am here today because of conversations that you have with me, that make my heart light up and my shoulder tension ease. You have allowed me to be uniquely myself in every way that I can try. I continue to show myself and open up to new expressions. All because of you.
I am thankful for my comfort with you. I am proud to be near you. I still do not know if I am worthy of your time. I do not think I am worthy of the thought of you. But that is because I am not falling for you.
Typically, people fall for each other. Me? I have not fallen for anyone in a long time. The feeling of falling is exhilarating, nerve racking, and seemingly never-ending. It fades with time and is replaced with guilt, regret, and loneliness. But I have not fallen for you. Instead I have stayed safety inside myself. I have begun to feel comfortable amongst your verbal embrace. I have found joy within your words and relief at your name. I see you as I have always seen you, an amazing friend to go to when I need you. But that is highly selfish of me because I don’t feel like I need you, but I want you. It’s a feeling I’m not used to, I find myself trying to chase after you. I don’t need to chase after you. But I find it hard on myself to hold back and push down whatever it is that I am feeling. I must write it out, talk it out, or do something. Without getting it out somewhere, I know I will be lost. I cannot be lost again. You found me after I found myself.
You are a whisper in my ear. Constantly breezing by me and surrounding me with a crisp clear air on a summer’s day. I haven’t been able to say much about my feelings lately because it always revolves around you. I have feelings for you. They are something I want to ignore because I don’t know if I’m right or wrong, if you are involved with those feelings too or if I am making an uneasy assumption in my head. The problem I have is with myself. But maybe one day, we can talk it out?
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Love, Scarlett <3
