The Lonely Days of Being Alone
Because being alone is not lonely all the time, but when that awful feeling hits you, it could feel so overwhelming that you tend to overlook all the good days you spent with yourself.
Before I go to sleep, I sometimes reminisce about the old days of my life, and all I see is myself walking on sidewalks with strangers, or sitting in the last pew in a chapel praying, or strolling in a mall trying to find the next material to wear, or riding a train looking out a window imagining how nice it would be to lean my head over someone’s broad shoulders.
I could not help but think that being alone has brought me nothing but an independence that I wish would not be so mandatory. I had to be independent because there is no way to survive this adulthood if I can’t rely on myself.
There’s no resolution to this because the law of physics stands its ground that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and I don’t do any action. I write when I feel lonely, I cry when I miss someone, I hope for things to be better, but I do not make any concrete actions- no movement, no attempts to change the situation. If someone fell into my lap, I would still question it and turn around because it would be too good to be true.
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Thinking that someone out there is for me is now exhausting. I have been in that mindset since I can remember, and at 31, I just really want to accept the fact that I am all set to spend the rest of my life alone, but I am still dreaming of that romance. I still think that I deserve to be loved and be seen, and I still wish to reciprocate that feeling.
The lonely days are here, the weather is getting colder, the leaves gradually change their color, and the darkness creeps in earlier. Life had given me a chance during spring and summer, I had the time, but I blew it away and only had near misses. Now, I had to go through another cold season all by myself and hope for the best, like I always do.
I always vow that I should focus more on myself, but sometimes I just want to let myself loose, break the barriers, be more vulnerable. I am tired of this narrative of finding someone, I am so sick of making myself more miserable. I wish to accept life as is. I wish I did not have hormones that interfere every month to make me feel that I am touch-deprived. I wish to wake up in the morning and look into myself and feel complete. But at the end of it all, I still wish for someone to have that connection, to make my life easier, and even if life gets harder, I would have someone to share it with.
Before, it was easier because I was younger. There was an infinite chance of finding that person. I could pass on the guy who likes me because I am 24, and I have to be in places I do not imagine sharing with that person. I have the time to choose, now the choices are either bleak or nil.
I remember looking into the moon on our front porch hoping for romantic love to find me, and then I looked into that same moon from the window in my small bedroom in my flat in England, hoping for the same thing, and now I am looking at it in my own apartment in America, and I hope differently, I hope for this desire to be with someone to go away. The moon has witnessed many of my tears, the silent whimpers, and I hope that one day it will see me again happy, like when I was a child playing under the great moonlight.
As the night gets longer, the feelings of loneliness always tends to linger more. All I got to do is prepare for it, make my house cozier, warmer, and cleaner. There are still many things to look forward to and I should not forget that. I am still fortunate to experience another season in another place. I will make time for myself to be happy, even if it’s only the littlest of things.
I keep my fingers crossed that the universe doesn’t send me an actual problem yet, because these issues I have are more of emotional baggage that weighs heavily more in the mind. I could go on writing about loneliness because it would never go away totally, it lingers and sometimes sneaks up on you, even in moments in your life when you feel most successful.
