Abstract
I think my introduction should be like the abstract of a research paper, being the last thing to be written, changing with every new discovery or added section to the paper. This account is the paper by the way. I think I decided that I want to be described as a collage of everyone, everything and every experience I’ve ever come across. I know that is just life, but I really like to say that, especially because I don’t have a strong sense of self — of who I am or what I want to be. That is why writing things like this can be a bit hard.
Objectively speaking, I am a girl, I am my age and my name. I am studying to become what I am to be, and I have so and so family members. Some things can be said simply because they are true no matter what. But somethings about us as people are like scooping water through a sieve. It's hard to catch what the true essence of our presence are, how you make people feel when you step into a room or what would compel others to like or dislike you. Those things can change depending on the person so I can never truly know what I am. People usually say that one shouldn’t care about what other people think about you, but I usually feel that I am not for myself, so how can I not care about the feedback from the other people around me?
If you havent already heard the saying, I think it is quite truuthful to say, “Depressed people are very selfish”. Self absorbed maybe but seems like the same thing. I’d spend quite a while thinking of things anyone and everyone might have or haven’t done, probably with regular intentions, as something meant to harm or annoy me specifically. I think it made me see the worst in people, or not even see them at all only feeling that they truly just want to squash me down and suffocate me. Ironicallyfor someone with a “low self esteem”, i keep thinking the world revolves around me. “She did that to hurt me intentionaly”, who even are you?
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Anyways, I think I can be self-aware to a certain point (actually you’re attention seeking you only highlight what would get you the most sympathy and intrigue. What use is self awareness when there is no progress? please), mostly about the negative things about me because they are points to improve. I don’t know if there is anything truly good about me and I don’t see the things I have achieved to be anything remarkable (you have undenaible skills, spelling is not one of them). For example, if I scored first place in a competition I wouldn’t think I am smart rather I’d think the judges must have set the questions or requirements really low this year. If I then stood in a room with all the other prior winners to that competition I would think that they are the true winners who are intelligent and deserve it because they truly won the difficult competition unlike me. If I had a dinner to celebrate this competition I would feel like a liar tricking everyone into believing I was smart.
I also hate to be held to any standard. If people label certain behavioral traits I have out loud, I will feel like I’ve been trapped with a personality that I can’t decide if I align with. Maybe I align with it now but tomorrow and next week, and in a different scenario? So, I feel inclined to sabotage any label whatever it might be just in case it stops me from finding who I truly am. I am not very passionate about anything. There is nothing that I really want to be or do, everything feels like a secondary priority while nothing is the first. I usually say I want to become rich but truly what I want to become is free from any troubles, worries, pressure, from the question of what I want to be, because when you have money…well that’s it. You’re 95% done with the checklist of life it seems. That being because I am not interested in raising children or a family and I expect my lover to be able to live independently of me without needing me to raise them in some way as well.
That is not to say that I am of the belief that nothing truly matters. Whether it does or not in the grand scheme of things, I think of every stage of life is an experience to be had, including heart break and losing a loved one. These are things that will happen in life regardless of how good or bad you are and I look forward to reacting to and learning from those experiences.
Finally, I am someone who believes in equality between all people of all gender and races. To me it all seems stupid (sexism and racism) and should go without reasoning anyways, it is just unfortunate that such a stupid thing has such real and deadly influences. In the end we are all human beings and we all have faults and good points but saying this will not change much. In the midst of other species or maybe greater forces we as humans are all the same anyway, so the discrimination between ourselves is just purely hateful and inefficient. The same can be said for love, if you love someone, you love someone. Gender and race shouldn’t make as much difference as it does these days.
My name is Spilt milk (you’re so annoying istg).
