Life will go on without me
Why do I always want to help people who do not want to be helped? I know how it is, especially because I don’t want people helping me either, but I always want to take them (other people) and see them and put them back together and I can think “I did this, I helped them”. Even when I know a big part of healing is sitting and accepting within and alone by oneself. And I know I’m a hypocrite because I can’t imagine a world, in which I would ever let my loved one know where it hurts and allow them to help me. I get annoyed when I hear advice from people regarding simple life things talk less of painful and complicated things.
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In fact, I don’t see a reason why I should sit with myself and think about these things either. Something bad might have happened but I still need to keep moving, keep acting. I need to submit my assignments, I need to do my laundry, I need to find a job, I need to eat something, I need to call my mum, I need to send an email. I can’t help but do anything else, anything but sitting with myself and tackling the things that may or may not be haunting me. Anything else. Sometimes, for maybe six seconds, I remember, I can feel the hands crawling on me. one. How hard it is to breathe and how light heading I'm becoming. two. The tears threatening to fall from my eyes. three. How hot and cold I feel suddenly. four. My head is spinning a little and I don’t want to remember. five. How much I suddenly need to cover myself, to hold myself tighter, just to. six. I have to do anything but think about it. To sleep, to walk, to eat, to take that knife, to walk away, to hit myself, to breathe, to walk back and forth, and finally, to force myself to forget.
I have things to do anyways. Now I’ve come here and I’ve written what could barely even count as a sob story, but nothing will be given to me on a silver platter, I still need to live life. My heart might be broken but the days will still pass, and the stars will shine at night, and the sun will come up in the morning, so I might as well move on
