It’s been a while
Last time I wrote on here I was deep in the throes of burning myself out trying to make it onto Rainy City’s All Stars team. Where have the years gone?
Well, I succeeded in the burnout and by 2019 I was ready for a break from all things roller derby. Looking back there were important lessons I needed to learn.
Sometimes you have to prioritise yourself. A sudden death in my family reminded me that life is too short to put a hobby above all else. That elusive balance is worth seeking out and protecting, and it requires constant recalibration. It looks different at different times.
Ancient history
In 2015 I transferred to Rainy City from Manchester Roller Derby (MRD) where I’d been for five years. Strange to think that next year I’ll have been at Rainy for double the amount of time I was at MRD.
If going from new transfer to A/B crossover skater was a steep learning curve, then trying to maintain that level for three years before being taken off the A team crossover list was even steeper.
It’s weird looking back at those old posts now and realising how much my approach has changed. Back then I’d always try to put a positive spin on crappy situations in order to maintain ‘a good attitude’. Toxic positivity springs to mind.
I took a step back from derby in 2019, dipping back in occasionally before the pandemic hit in March 2020 and everything stopped.
They say a change is as good as a rest. Everything changed all at once and at times you had little else to do but rest. And think. And drink a whole bottle of tequila on a Tuesday night.
But we all know that story. It’s boring and no one wants a re-telling.
Fast-forward to July 2022 ⏩
A whole year of ‘return to play’ shenanigans and one of our first games back is against London Roller Derby away.
During the COVID years, Rainy lost the Thunderdome and about three quarters of its members, so in this rebuilding period we had one team — just about. We skated as Rainy City Roller Derby and dropped individual team names (All Stars, Tender Hooligans, Revolution, Rising).
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League culture shifted too — people didn’t want things to go back to the way they were before. If it was that easy for numbers to shrink so rapidly and that difficult to bring them back up again, Rainy had to look at why - and how to move forward in a sustainable way.
Gradually Rainy attracted more members and over time built two, then three teams plus a development squad. The team names made a comeback too but with some tweaks (All Stars, Reckoning, Rebels and Rising).
All Stars have focused on building squad depth since Rainy’s return to play. Moving away from relying on a handful of experienced skaters has strengthened squad resilience and built individual investment in the team. If you feel valued, you’ll put more in — and it’s hard to feel valued as a perpetual benchwarmer, no matter how much positive spin you put on it.
Imposter syndrome
So I am now a Rainy City All Star. In the past two years I’ve played in the biggest games of my derby career — Anarchy 7, EuroCup 2022 and 2023, and the 2024 WFTDA Regional Championships.
Sometimes it feels like it happened by default — because people left and not as a result of all the work I put in until I couldn’t anymore. There wasn’t that single celebratory moment. It was something that just happened.
It can be hard to convince yourself that you deserve something when it doesn’t happen the way you planned. Maybe it’s about telling yourself that this is where you are now and making the most of it. Focusing on the present rather than dwelling on the past.
That’s what I’m doing anyway. I know I bring good comms, bracing skills and plenty of gameplay experience to the team. And I’m generally a laugh to be around — so long as I’ve had my sleep 😘
As I get older, I feel more comfortable in myself and less like I need to prove anything to anyone. I think that’s helping too.
Through Rainy City I’ve made friends for life, gotten to travel all over and learnt a lot about myself, so maybe the process is its own reward. Amelia knew what it was all about.
Do you struggle with imposter syndrome in roller derby or in everyday life? What helps you to get past it?
