No conclusions
With all my posts I have a tendency to try and draw conclusions, to attempt to wrap things up in neat little packages.
This post won’t have a conclusion. In school we’re taught that stories should have a beginning, a middle and an end — but this is my story. It’s ongoing and more of a cathartic outpouring than a self-help book with top-tips and takeaways.
In the bleak midwinter
I’ve been struggling with derby recently. Going to training has been feeling more and more like a chore, I rarely want to go. Considering it’s a hobby I pay to play, it shouldn’t be like that.
Initially I put these feelings down to the winter months (dark mornings, dark nights, an overwhelming urge to hibernate) but I’m beginning to wonder if it’s more than that.
My positive associations with the sport have dwindled and I resent the time that it’s taking away from important relationships in my life. Time spent on those is limited as it is around work and I’m tired of ‘I can’t, I’ve got training’. I’ve lost track of the amount of family events, gigs and catch-ups with friends I’ve missed ‘because roller derby’.
Get Kate Push 111’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
People talk about achieving balance with derby and I think I need to look at what I’m putting in versus what I’m getting out. Is this what ‘burn out’ looks like? How do people manage the guilt and worry that comes with addressing burn out?
When you’re in something, the obsession seems fully valid. It’s not a cult, it’s a way of life. At the moment, when people gush about how in love they are with derby it kind of irritates me — like the nauseating sight of couples totally into each other when you’re newly single.
The other side
This post from the other side hasn’t been easy to write. Like putting it into words will make it real — a statement of intent. Mostly I’ve been hoping the feeling will pass and a magical something will pull me out of this funk.
No conclusions though. This isn’t a statement of intent. It’s a current mood, a rumination.
Roller derby took over my life 8 years ago. Maybe it’s time for a break?
“I don’t know, maybe we should just…maybe we should just…just investigate different people.”
