last year
`22
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last year has been horrible. from joining my new first job to moving to a new city to doing everything all alone to falling in love to confessing it to taking therapy to wishing to die.
At the start of last year, I was sad that my college is ending and I didn’t want that. I spent so many years there and it was the best moment of my life till then. Somehow I managed not to hover on it much but I was sad that a part of me is dying.
Then I had to come to a new place and I was afraid to do anything by myself among these new people. I felt so alone and I was thinking that I would lose you as well. I felt depressed because of all this. I had to deal with it alone, and no one was there to talk about it.
I took therapy because of you only, and not because of my parents because I don’t care about them. I introduces you as my friend to my therapist and my therapist said it’s love darling. Since that day I started feeling that too. And it creates more problems for me. The fear of losing you intensified. I thought I can’t leave like this. I have to lose you. And I did. And I couldn’t survive two days without talking to you.
But in those days, talking to you wasn’t helping. I’m sorry. You were pushing me in doing things I didn’t want to do. That was making me sad. I was thinking the only person I could open up to can not understand me either.
A few months in a row were the worst of it all. Suddenly, October came and I felt disconnected from you. That was the last thing I would have wanted at that time. Just thinking of losing you wretched my heart apart. Others were saying I am considering you more than I should and I am dependent on you. I realized this on the night I was dying to talk to you but you were not there. I felt so lost, so stupid, and so wrong for living my life like this.
I again decided to live without you and prove to everyone that they’re wrong. Even though I was smiling at the crowd and everyone around me, I was still not happy. Something was killing me from the inside. And it was your absence. So I came back to you again. This time you were angry and I was…I can not tell you reader how I was at that time. I don’t wish even my nemesis to feel something like this ever. I felt more depressed than ever. I was so fragile I was saying stupid stuff which I am ashamed of still and all the words you were using were hurting me. I was so exhausted that I wanted to run away, far from everyone, far from everything that couldn’t depress me more. So, that was the time when a thought came across my mind about ending my own life cause I didn’t think I could survive this life with that kind of depression I had. I was not leaving my bed, not eating just crying. Fuck my life. And that’s how I survived those past months with many tears and full of anxiety. Yeah, that sucks, I know. Plus, I couldn’t find a painless way to end my life, so, yeah…
After all this, after trying everything I am still not over you and God it’s so pathetic. It’s ridiculous. I hate being ridiculous.
You meant a lot to me and I never meant anything to you so it felt like I am a burden on you and bothering you constantly with things which has nothing to do with you.
The funny thing is you have done a lot of things for which I want to hate you badly. and do you know what’s funnier? That I can’t.
I started this letter thinking I would talk about my last year’s life which it looks like was nothing but all about you and just you.
