Maybe
This is a thank you note.
I cut my Locs this year. It was such a sudden decision because I love my Locs so much and it gave me room to do a lot but it also restricted me a bit. On days I have to do my hair, I miss my Locs. (I’ll not be doing my hair again, I got wig as birthday gift!!!)
I don’t think I was the best person this year. On some days I withdrew grace, avoided confrontations, took the easy way out, gossiped about the man I saw tonight who took smoke bending a little too serious. He inspired my thoughts on “A case study on why smoking outside is only hot when done by a certain look demographic with a certain substance subsect”. Which is biased because I saw someone else smoke before him and I was quite forgiving of the aroma.
I saw a note on why being human is letting yourself be vulnerable and trusting yourself to be loved in it. I had to learn this this year. A few mistakes were made across all sectors of my life, I don’t discriminate.
But, maybe this year I want to be softer. To always find the right words to communicate my displeasure, to give as much grace as I get to people, to never let anyone push me into raising my voice. Maybe I want to regulate my emotions better and be more understanding of other people’s outburst. Maybe I want to finish that episode of dynamite kiss I have been trying to watch all week. Maybe, just maybe….
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But here is the thing, a few days ago I told a friend “maybe I’m not the type of person who gets cake” but I got cake and cupcakes. Maybe the only person who believes I’m less deserving is me. That would suck, because I have done a lot to get here.
However, in the sea of my maybe here are a few things I am very sure and very grateful for. That one call I had with my elder brother that held so much warmth I felt giddy like a child on the road, my sisters consistent Pele to any and every situation, her husbands patience, my parents who gifted the world such a beautiful and smart woman (me), my little brother who is starting to figure out life, my aunt who gets the best materials for me to adorn with, my friend got me heels that will definitely break my ankles, my friend who I wasn’t much of a friend to who played cards with me, my friend who is a terrible dancer but will put his arms around me to dance, You.
Everyone I have had the pleasure and privilege to serve in diverse ways over the last 12months. You have contributed a great deal to my life, my growth and the becoming of my person. Maybe I’ll restart my Locs.
Maybe this year my face will stop telling my secrets and I’ll be kinder or maybe I’ll just be me. Regardless, I am grateful for you and your continuous role in my becoming.
