Married and Sexless?!
Is there such a thing as being married and not having sex? I am sure there are many types of sexless marriages out there. The question is which Type do you fall under?
Let’s start with Type 1: We are married and used to have great sex, not anymore! There are countless reasons for this, maybe kids came into the picture and sex is no longer a priority, maybe there has been some secrecy and the emotional connection has fizzled out. Maybe the physical attraction is no longer there because someone in the relationship has decided to let themselves go, physically. Maybe a traumatic event happened, and now the intimacy is no longer the same, or maybe one person has eyes for someone else, and that has caused a rift in the bedroom. Whatever category you’re in, the point is there is NO SEX.
Type 2: We are married and NEVER had sex! I can attest to that one in my 1st marriage. That’s a story for some other time. Moving on, shall we? Maybe due to religious beliefs or one’s spiritual faith, you have decided to abstain from doing the deed. Maybe medically speaking, one person (or both) in the relationship had sexual dysfunctions (e.g., genito-pelvic pain or penetration disorder, vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, hypoactive sexual desire disorder, etc.) in the past or in their previous relationship, which is impeding them from engaging sexually in this current one. Maybe it’s one person’s (or both) first time (e.g., virgin) and they have not consummated their matrimonial vows. Maybe, mentally/psychologically speaking, there’s an innate fear of being sexually vulnerable with your loved one. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, the reality is that there’s NO SEX.
Type 3: We are married, S/HE cheated and there’s no more sex. Maybe the betrayed has lost all trust and is deeply wounded and can no longer engage in any acts of intimacy. Does THE WHO matter? In some instances, you bet it does. Being cheated on with your partner’s sibling, best friend, colleague, etc., will impact the severity and duration of the pain and SEXUAL distancing. Does it mean it hurts any less if it’s a stranger…absolutely not. Maybe there’s no more sex because the betrayer acted selfishly or in a state of revenge.
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To be honest, I find myself with a mixture of Types 1–3. Here’s a bit of the backstory. I found my husband online (wow, that sounds weird). On a dating app, you ask? No. I was actually looking to develop my spiritual understanding of self, life, and my cultural roots. So I started browsing online, and at the time, Iwas watching lots of YouTube videos about spirituality. I kept seeing the same man (let’s call him Mr. X) appearing on several platforms online, on podcasts, on interviews, etc. I remember saying to myself, let me reach out to this Spiritual Consultant to see if I can book a consultation. I remember thinking, this person is probably super busy and I’m probably not going to get a response back. I was wrong. Mr. X responded to my email within the hour. He was extremely kind and I set up an initial consultation with him for the following week. This was the beginning of our friendship. I was at the tail end of my 1st marriage when I met him. When we spoke with each other, I was always very candid about my challenges and relationship drama.
Four years later, we were still friends. He lived in the UK, I in the US. Although we didn’t speak on a regular basis, we would check in periodically to see how each other was handling life’s curve balls. At that time, I was in a relationship, where I thought I had found the one. I relocated to be with him since it was easier for me to do so (he had children). We lived separately. Deep down, I knew it was best for me to have my own space, even though he wanted me to move in right away. Lo behold, one day as I was cleaning his house, I stumbled across a nicely folded piece of paper on his floor closet. What was it you ask? His MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE. Yep, this man was still married and presented himself as an available bachelor. You dam right I was p*ssed. Words can’t even express the fury I felt. I remember thinking about burning his house down. But of course I didn’t. My saving grace was my friend, Mr. X. I immediately called him and told him what I had found. He helped me to calm down, and at no point did he suggest that I leave him or badmouth him. Instead, he provided sound advice.
Needless to say, I rapidly moved on from that relationship despite his numerous attempts to try to get me back. Hell nah!
Fast forward, about a year later, I was still single, and so was Mr. X. We got to connect on a deeper level (even though this was all over the phone and FaceTime). He invited me to the UK, and within 4 weeks of being there, he proposed, and I said YES. We got married 8 months later.
Sex was great when it started, now here we are 2 years later, and it’s SEXLESS. There’s a lot to the latter. Old unresolved wounds from past relationships coming to the surface, childhood trauma, low self-esteem, anxiety about performing, weight shaming, inappropriate comments during the performance of, inability to understand each other’s wants/desires/needs, etc. There is this expectation when you’re married that your partner needs to “get it” or “get you” perfectly. It takes patience, it takes tolerance, it takes unconditional love, and it takes a desire for both parties to want to improve and get to the other side. I have my contributions to the sexlessness and he has his. No one person is entirely to blame, but we all have needs, right?
I’m sharing this because I know that there is someone out there in the multiverse who is going through the very same thing, if not similar to my story. There’s hope, do I know what it is, not at the moment of writing this story, but there is. Try to find ways to get closer to your partner. Do things together, learn each other’s love language, see a couples therapist or sexologist, try all the things, then if things still do not improve, then it’s time to re-assess your relationship. Don’t go and cheat thinking that will solve things, it won’t. You’re just putting a band-aid on a wound that needs stitching and possibly surgery.
If you can relate, please feel free to share your thoughts, so that we can demystify the stigma attached to Sexless Marriages. There’s always a reason for everything. What’s yours?
