Pretending to Be…
Why are we so preoccupied with “Keeping up with the Joneses”? I mean, who the heck is Mr. & Mrs. Jones that we want to be and emulate them so badly? Where did this notion of comparison come from? Well, it’s all over the media outlets (e.g., news, social media, internet, movies, commercials, music videos, cartoons, etc). There is always a sense that someone is better than you, makes more money than you, lives in a bigger house than you, drives a better car than you, lives in a better zip code than you. This superiority and inferiority complex is the name of the game, at least in the US, that is.
This year, as I traveled to my mother’s new home in GA, I realized that I too, found myself comparing and contrasting with the people/family I was around. I found myself feeling anxious, feeling less than, wanting to alter my behavior, and wanting to hide things that I own out of fear I would be perceived as less than or, better yet, as “cheap” or “inferior”. It was so bad that I entertained the thought of going to the mall to buy items of clothing, accessories of “high-end value/name brand” just so that I could “fit” in, per se. Just so that I didn’t feel inadequate around these people. Just so that I could feel that I am one of them. OMG! These cognitive distortions plaguing our minds as reality is total “bullocks”, as my British husband would say.
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The fear of not fitting in is so great that we say and do things that are disproportionately inadequate just so that The Joneses can approve. Approve what exactly? Who determines what is of value anyway? Owning a pair of Louboutins all of a sudden makes you the Grande Dame? Driving a Range Rover makes you the King/Queen of automobiles and distinction? Wearing a fur coat definitely must mean that you’ve made it in the world. In the world of what exactly?
It is clear that how we see ourselves or how we think others perceive us is tied to many factors: our childhood, our family dynamics, the emotional nurturing you received or lack thereof, your sense of self-confidence, your accomplishments or lack thereof, the neighborhood you grew up in, the values instilled from young, the trauma you’ve endured, and so much more.
If you do not see yourself as valuable, as worthy, as confident, as amazing, as a co-creator on this journey called life, then life will be a struggle. You will always define who you are in the eyes of other people. These past few weeks were a reality check for me in that I didn’t think I was one of those people who compared and worried so deeply about how I was or would be perceived. I had a serious talk with myself and applied those therapeutic techniques I teach my clients. I literally had to ask myself, “Why do I want those things?” Once I purchase said items, will I feel happier, smarter, more beautiful, etc?” Will these people see me in a better light? But most importantly, do I really need or simply want to get this $1500 purse? I pondered to myself, and realized that the answers to all of these questions were “Hell Nah”. Once I faced the cognitive distortions in my head, and realized which parts of me were demanding that I entertain this reactionary behavior, I laughed…and then I went for a walk to diffuse that overwhelming energy trying to consume me…and my wallet.
There is always a root to everything. A tree would not grow as big and as robust if it did not have roots growing deep down into the soil. How healthily the tree grows depends on the soil quality, depends on the nourishment it receives, and depends on the elements surrounding it. This is akin to us as human beings. The soil of our minds, if not nurtured properly, will result in decay of not only the mind, but the physical body as well. Reducing or eradicating the negative chatter/self-talk of the mind will make way for a more positive emotional state and thereby more positive actions/behaviors. So when we find ourselves comparing and contrasting with people we see online, on social media, on the music videos, on the internet, in the movies/TV shows, or even in our own family, we need to STOP and start assessing our thoughts. Ask yourself, what am I thinking that is causing this anxiety, this fear, this discomfort, this sense of overwhelm, the frustration, and irritability? Learn how to reframe your thoughts, as I had to do so many times during my sojourn with friends/family. I have learned and continue to learn that I am NOT the material things that I own. I am NOT the designer name brands I wear. I am NOT my hair. I am NOT the car I drive, I am NOT the zeros in my bank account. I AM, however, a woman navigating this journey called LIFE wanting the space to be me authentically ME and experience all the moments that bring joy/light to my spirit being.
So the next time you find yourself comparing/contrasting with an idol you see online, a friend, or a family member, stop scrolling, turn off the TV, take some deep breaths, and relax. Question the validity and/or source of your thoughts. Don’t be upset with the thoughts that come in. Sit with them and acknowledge them. Ask yourself about the validity of the urges or the thoughts. Then try reframing your thoughts to elicit a different emotional state. If you’re not familiar with “cognitive reframing”, maybe try to elicit the help of a mental health professional. You won't regret it.
