EXPECTATIONS
“You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else.”
“Be kind to others. And don’t do it with expectations in your mind.” At least that was what I was told to do as a kid. And over the 18 years that is all I did, being kind. I would walk an extra mile or two just so that the person doesn’t have to meet me halfway, always wait an extra hour, and always put my heart out on my sleeve. I asked for nothing more than the bare minimum. I was perhaps never taught to say no. A ‘please’ would be enough to melt me, and now that I have grown up, a ‘pretty’ before please would suffice.
Over the years, the definition of kindness in my dictionary started becoming a complicated one. Even though the heart on my sleeve would be taken and broken down into pieces, I would still keep it there until I realized the pieces are now too small to be put back together. My definition of kindness became doing everything for everyone except for yourself. If they need you, be there. But what if I need someone? Well, the guilt of asking for help and disturbing someone sounds kind of selfish. So I would always settle for the bare minimum. Understanding people, compromising only to have them around me. The mark between kindness and self-neglect was blurred for me, almost non-existent.
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In this kindness, they started expecting more but silently. And the bar of bare minimum I asked for started falling until it made me realize I am nothing but these expectations. But how do you break this vicious cycle of kindness? If you try to be a little selfish for yourself, you end up with a heavy burden of guilt and an urge to explain (over-explain) yourself, ultimately becoming more selfless in an attempt to cover up the guilt. How do you pronounce the ‘not’ when replying to ‘Are you fine? ‘ But weren’t you told it’s wrong to expect when you are being kind to others.
But what I was taught as a kid, what I believed as a teen, is what I want to break today. Kindness starts with me, and if being kind to yourself is called being selfish, I am ready to live with the guilt.
Expecting love, respect, and understanding in return for all that you do for someone does not make you unkind. I don’t need these as a return for something I did. I deserve it. It’s no longer about settling for the bare minimum. Kindness was never meant to mean breaking yourself to make others whole. It’s about knowing when to give, when to hold back, and understanding that I, too, am worthy of the same care, love, and generosity that I so openly offer to others.
They say kindness brings happiness to oneself too, but when kindness leaves you exhausted and empty, it’s no longer kindness — it’s self-neglect.
