Crushed Up
“You are the lyric to my music.”
It was my first time in a correction group. I was quite nervous about it initially and didn’t think it was a good idea but my aunt forced me to attend it. At the age of 22, I was a drug addict. It was high time for me to stop. My aunt dropped me at the gate of New Society around 6:50 PM. The security guard took away my phone and left me with my music player as I told him I cannot live without. Actually, after a lot of begging he asked me to use it in secret. I had to share my room with another person. As soon as I set my bag down the guide asked me to go to the hall, the meeting was about to start in another 10 minutes. As I was walking down the hallway, my mind was fixated with the thought that this was going to be the hardest thing I was ever going to do. When I entered the hall, there were around 50 to 60 people, most of them seemed desperate and sadly they were around my age. I walked in with my cap on and my head down, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I felt I was the newest person in the room as everyone else was talking to each other. There were no familiar faces. After some time, we were asked to sit in groups of ten. One after the other, people started sharing their story, about how they started drugs, alcohol or both, how their families were affected and how they are battling it. Some of them were crying while I sat there figuring out how many tiles I can cross in a single jump. I was also searching for ways to escape that place. Now it was my turn to open up. The counsellor asked me to be very forward and tell them everything. I was nervous, cause I hardly talk to anyone, and I let alone a room full of people. So, with a very shaky and low voice, I started,
“My…. name is David…”,
“Can you speak up, we cannot hear you”, I heard the counsellor’s voice. This made me even more nervous. I took a deep breath and started with a louder but still shaky voice,
“My name is David, I am 22 years old. I have been using drugs since I was 14. I have done almost all kinds of drugs….. LSD, weed, hash, heroin, cocaine, meth, hog…. the ones that I know of . I don’t drink much except for the occasional beer and whiskey. It all started with my dad. He was an alcoholic. For as long as I can remember, he used to come home drunk every day and my mumma would yell at him. He would get irritated after a while and beat her up. I just watched, sitting against the wall and staring at them while they fought. Then he would turn to me and beat me up demanding what I was staring at. I couldn’t express my feelings. It is like I was born without emotions. I could not cry though I did feel pain, I could not show my anger but I did curse him, in my head. After my dad gets tired of beating us up, my mumma would start to curse me. I don’t know why she did that but it seemed she was taking out her anger on me. I would listen to her for a while and then get out of the house. I wish I could cry like my mumma but I couldn’t shed a drop of tears. My school life was not any better either. My classmates bullied me. They beat me up as I didn’t cry, made fun of me as I was incompetent of showing anything. They started calling me a monster, heartless, gutless and some other grave things. It was on my 14th birthday, I discovered a green-coloured cigarette like thing tucked under my dad’s bed. I smoked it and it felt good. I was beaten up later that day by my dad but I did not feel much pain. This went on and I wanted more, so I stole money and did drugs. When my parents abused me, I could literally feel nothing. I was a good student though. I liked to study but I couldn’t make friends. I used to sit alone during lunch, sometimes I had something to eat and sometimes I didn’t. Then 5 years ago, my dad died from liver failure and after cursing me for a few months, my mumma left me and disappeared somewhere. Ever since my aunt takes care of me.”
Everyone had their eyes fixed on me. I pushed myself back on the chair with my arms crossed and head down. After everyone shared their story the counsellor gave a talk for 20 minutes regarding how our addiction was affecting us in every worst way possible, the ill-effects of it, the social imbalance and how it was making us vulnerable. When it ended, we were asked to have our dinner. As I was moving ahead with my plate, I heard someone say,
“Hey, David”. I turned back and saw a girl, a chubby girl. Her plate was stocked more than mine. She continued,
“Hey… how you doing?”. I looked at her and she was smiling. I turned the other way and started to walk away. She didn’t seem to want to leave me. She walked behind me and kept on,
“Let’s eat together.” This was the first time someone had told me that. I was never invited to eat with anyone so far. I followed her and we went outside to a bench under a tree. She carefully placed her plate over the bench and then she pulled out a cigarette from her sock and asked me,
“Do you want to smoke?”
“I don’t want to be a part of this. Enjoy your smoke, I am leaving.”
“Okay… okay… I am not going to smoke, alright. But promise me you won’t tell anyone.” I shook my head and sat down. I asked,
“What is your name?”
“I am Anna Maria. Well, I did see you daydreaming while others were talking. You know I was curious about how you were born without emotions. Like you really don’t feel anything?”
“I can’t express myself. I don’t know how to describe my feelings to people. I get confused, I don’t understand when I should cry or when I should be happy or what makes me sad. I just can’t deduce anything.”
“Ohhhh…… So is it called something?”
“Yes, it is called Alexithymia.”
“Ohhh.”
“How did you end up here?”
“Well, I am a chain smoker. I smoke 3 to 4 packs a day. Because of that, I’ve developed lung cancer. Now for my treatment to be successful, I need to quit but it is hard. So, I visit here often.”
“Has your smoking reduced?”
“To an extent. I used to smoke 5 to 6, now it is 3 to 4 in four months. So a win I guess.”
We talked and ate our dinner. She told me that she was the only child in her family. Her Mumma and Dad had spent a lot on her treatment. She was not very studious but managed to pull through in all her subjects. She studied literature and wants to become a teacher. After talking for a while we waved goodbye and went to sleep.
Anna Maria was different. Nobody really came up to me and talked. People always maintained a distance from me because of my addiction and the way I look. I always wore a cap until the brim covered my face. They found me strange because of my lack of emotions. But Anna Maria was talking to me despite all those.
The next day, we were woken up at 6 and had to assemble at the meditation room by 7. It was too early for me. My roommate was a compassionate guy. His name was Harsh. He was an alcohol addict. He told me his story but I was reluctant to say anything about myself other than my name. But he was fine with it and asked me to take my time. We were in the meditation room and I saw Anna Maria. She was wearing grey track pants and white sweatshirt. She was looking clumsy and was breathing heavily. I went up to her and said,
“Good Morning. You don’t seem to be doing good”, she glanced at me, probably desperate about something and said,
“I want a smoke, I start my day by smoking but I can’t find my cigarettes. My roommate must have handed over the pack to the person in-charge. I don’t know what to do.”
Seeing her desperate made me desperate for drugs. It made me uncomfortable and agitated. I took my place near the wall scratching my arms. One of the guides saw me and the desperation in my eyes. He came over to help me and made me sit. I saw many others like me who were going crazy and at that moment I realized what the drugs had done to us. It was making us lose our sanity. I was biting my lower lip. I saw Anna Maria begging for a cigarette. It was like a madhouse and the sight in front of my eyes was absolutely horrendous. After a while, the spiritual gurus came in and asked us to breathe slowly to make us calm. They were asking us to follow them and do as they were doing. After an hour long struggle , we were getting back to normal. Such was the first few days for us. The nights were better though. We walked the halls depressed, then asked to sit in groups and share good memories when we were not smoking or drinking. After that, the counsellor would counsel us for like an hour or half. Anna Maria and I would have our dinner together after that and talk about really random things. I told her about how much I liked the stars, about the constellations and various science facts. She would tell me about her poems and writings.
She asked me,
“So people obviously did not talk to you and neither did you, is there any girl whom you liked or loved? There should be one, during our teenage years we do find someone we like, don’t we?”
“No, I never really looked at people. I mean I don’t know what love is. I don’t know how people show love. I have never felt it and so I can’t describe it either. So, I don’t know how to be around someone I love.”
“You know you are somewhat right about it. We cannot describe what love is. It is a mixture of emotions. Some say it is showing affection or taking care of each other but that is really not it. It is something special and indescribable.”
“So people develop Alexithymia when in love?”, she laughed.
“I think they do but only towards the one they are in love with.”
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Such used to be our nights. She was a good friend to me and I had two friends now. Harsh and I also used to hangout. Harsh was kinda strict but easy going. He had good mental strength. He was mostly with his book while I was in music. He didn’t tell anyone about my music player. He told me how much he missed playing cricket and football. He was a state-level cricket player but his alcohol addiction had ruined him. He told me,
“I was in the under-19 team for our state. I was the leading wicket-taker in the entire under-19 tournament. My place was confirmed in the nationals. I just had to show up and bowl, the selectors actually wanted to see me in person. But the night before the national trials, I went out with my friends to celebrate my success. We entered a pub, and I tasted whiskey for the first time. I didn’t like it but seeing others do it I couldn’t stop. Next day I attended my tryouts with a hangover. The selectors understood that I was drunk and they axed me from the side. I lost it from there. I went into depression and started drinking a lot. I drank away my whole career. I realized it late. I wanted to start again so I came here. You know David, my chances of becoming a cricketer from here are almost zero. Yet I am willing to fight back. You see that’s the thing about chances, you take them because you believe that there is still a minute hope that things will go your way.”
Harsh was smiling and he seemed hopeful. I realized that we were responsible for our mistakes. And, the only way we can correct them is by recognizing them and being ready to move forward with a heart full of courage. Harsh was a good person. He was my second friend. He told me that once we get out of here he would help me make more good friends like him and that meant a lot to me.
Two more days were left for our camp to reach completion. I had not thought about drugs for the last two days. Anna Maria still missed her cigarettes but she was coping up well. I think Harsh has not thought of drinking ever since the second day. So things were getting good for us. That night Anna Maria and I went to the garden. We walked on grass for some time and then she looked up and said,
“It is a good night. Just as you like it , full moon with all the stars out in the open.”
“Yes, it is.” I looked at her smiling face. I said,
“Let us do something fun.”
“Sure.”
“Lay down.”
“Here?”
“Ya.”
She laid down and I laid next to her. I pulled out my music player and shared my earphone with her. Then after shuffling for a while I got the song. It was Experience by Ludovico Einaudi. Before I played the song I told her,
“We are going to do something different. I do it when I get high. Think of something you have longed for, it can be a place where you want to go or a person you want to be with.”
“Okay.”
“Now, when I play the song, close your eyes and just flow with what you have in mind. Feel the music.”
“Okay, sounds interesting.”
She closed her eyes and I played the song.
I believe there are two kinds of people, one that listens to songs and one that feels the song. I definitely fall into the latter. When I do that, I just go with the flow of the song, when the tune goes high, I go high, it is a feeling I can’t describe but it feels so good. At that moment I feel alive and I see things which I have never seen, I feel things which I have never felt. I get lost in my own world. A world where I find peace. I wanted to show that to Anna Maria. I wanted to let her know that she can always feel good even when no one is around. She can give life to her thoughts with music in her own world. I don’t know what she thought of, but she was certainly smiling till the song ended. She held my hand tight, looked at me said,
“You are magic. I have never felt so good in a long time. It took me to different levels. I was in those places and it all looked so real and happening. Thank you.”
She was happy and that made me feel good. This was new for me as I have never felt this way before. This feeling which I had was making my heart restless. I liked it.
Our camp came to an end. Two weeks of guidance and interaction certainly had an impact in our lives. We felt we were really improving. I made two friends, two really good people. Who would have thought that I would meet two of the nicest people in the worst possible scenario but such is life. I exchanged my phone number with Anna Maria and Harsh. We stayed in touch with each other. Harsh and I met after camp. He introduced me to his friends and I made more friends. Harsh got himself back into the cricket academy and was teaching young kids fast bowling. He was still pursuing his dream of getting into the national side. He told me, ‘You fight for your dreams until your dreams fight for you’. I don’t know from where he picked it but it made sense. Anna Maria went on to study further. Now she wanted to become an author. I liked to eat cakes so I decided why not make it? I started working in a cake shop. I got myself into Abdul’s bakery and learned to make cakes. After a few months I started baking by myself. People loved what I made and they told Abdul that whoever made those cakes made them with love because that’s how delicious they were. I became Abdul’s favourite. Life was turning out to be good for me and everything seemed to be falling into the right place. A year passed on and then one day, I got a text from Anna Maria saying,
“Hi David. I am happy that you are doing fine. I hear you have been making new friends, that is good to know. Ummm… my cancer has grown to an extent that it is hurting me bad. I have to undergo surgery. I don’t know if I would live long after that either. I am probably being consumed by my smoke I guess. But anyway, those two weeks in camp were the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I never realized that talking to you would be so soothing, that I would forget about everything bad in the world. You had a terrible childhood yet you saw beautiful things like the stars and songs. You told me you had a hard time describing emotions. People who love to go through the same thing. You were probably trying to love but no one could understand it. I know it is a stupid analogy but I see it that way. When we laid on the grass and listened to the music, you asked me to think about my most beautiful thoughts and you were in one of them. Now I can’t listen to songs without thinking about you. You are the lyric to my music. I hope I could show up to your shop one day but my chances are less. So, it is goodbye from me.
Have a happy life David.”
I certainly couldn’t cry. The fact that her life could end was really making me go crazy. Anna Maria had texted Harsh too and she had asked him to look after me so that I don’t do anything stupid. Harsh came over regularly to see if I was not doing any drugs again. I was crushed. But the fact that the best moments of life were with her was making me go forward. A chance to see her again.
It had been seven months since Anna Maria had texted me. I thought about her every day. My cakes had become well known in town. One day, a woman came over to the shop and asked,
“Can I get a birthday cake?”
“Sure, Mam. What cake would you like?”
“How about David’s special?”
“Sure.”
I brought the Red Velvet cake.
“What should I write, Mam?”
“Amm… Happy Birthday, Anna Maria.”
My heart skipped a beat. I saw her sitting near the window smiling at me.
- The Reason from Hoobastank being played*
