Lilly
“My heart beats a different rhythm when I see her.”
My flight turbulence was getting rough. Everyone held onto their seats as tight as they could. I could see a sense of panic among the stewardesses. That did not look good, yet they tried to calm others down. Deep down I was scared, but I kept a straight face. Suddenly, everyone looked to their right and started screaming, and before I could react to anything, I blacked out. When I woke up, I was lying in the middle of the debris. My senses were slowly regaining. I woke up in the middle of the debris, slowly regaining my senses. I could smell smoke and hear my heart pounding in my chest. I tried to get up, but I was unable to. My whole life started to flash in front of me, especially those three years spent with her… Lilly.
Three years ago, I was partying with my friends on a weekend at a bar. I was 23 and still figuring out how the world worked. I had a decent paying job that was good enough to meet my expenses. Life was okay. Being drunk, I decided to walk home, which was just two streets away. It was late at night and I was walking alone. That was the first time I did that or usually, my friends would drop me. The night was mellow, clear and chill. The street was wet from the rain, the smell still fresh. As I walked through the gates of my apartment, I could see a woman standing on her balcony, gazing at the moon, her face clear from the moonlight; it was as if the moon goddess herself wanted to take a look at that pretty face of hers. I moved closer to have a better view and boy she was gorgeous. I stood there for another minute until I realized that I was drunk and it was a creepy thing to do, especially at night. But by that time, I had figured out her floor and door number. After two days, while returning from my office, I saw her walking with her friends again. I rushed to my apartment and put on my jogging shoes so that I could see her and probably strike a conversation. I jogged around looking for her. She was sitting in the park. So, I gathered my confidence and went ahead to talk to her. As I stood in front of her, I went blank. It was like everything had slowed down and just the woman was in focus, like when we take a pic in portrait mode. It was then that I realized, I was terrible at flirting and as soon as reality struck me, I just uttered the most random and stupidest of statements one could possibly imagine,
“How does your water taste?”
My lips went dry and I stood still, having no idea what to do next. Finally, I just gave an awkward smile, turned around and walked away, still trying to process why I had said that. It took me two weeks to get over that stupid question I asked. When everything started to get normal, she entered the elevator with me. I was standing clumsily, trying to hide my face. While leaving the elevator, she gives a small smile and leaves. I didn’t know what that smile meant but I understood that if I didn’t break the ice, it would never be broken. I rushed myself out and said,
“Hi”, she turned and looked at me. I hesitantly started again,
“Hi, I am Roy. I am sorry for the other day. I just blabbered something”.
She smiled back at me told, “It’s okay.”
I told “Yip” and started walking back. I turned around again and asked,
“Amm… what's your name?”
“I am Lilly”.
I started seeing Lilly more now. We moved from a smile and nod to a stand and talk phase in the later weeks. She was a nurse at Global Health Hospital. Along with her friends, she had rented the apartment and was staying there. Gradually we exchanged numbers and started following each other on Instagram. I got closer to Lilly as a friend but I didn’t want to be her friend. Every time she looked at me, I felt this… unexplainable feeling. Somehow I felt restless and calm at the same time. So one evening while we were sitting in the park, I looked at her and said,
“Can I take you out on a date?”
She looked at me smiling and started,
“Wow, Mr. Roy, that was quick. It only took you four months to ask me out. Do you take this long to ask every girl out?”
“Well, only to the girls I ask how the water tastes”, she laughed and said yes to our date.
It was a Saturday. I dressed up in blue jeans and a white shirt and at one in the afternoon, rang her doorbell. She opened the door in a white and yellow floral dress; her hair had bangs and bunned to the top. She swept me off my feet right there.
“Shall we?”, I asked and she nodded. So we went to this French restaurant, had lunch and then decided to walk down the park.
“You look pretty. I have to admit, I pretty much fell for you ever since I saw you gazing at the moon.”, I confessed.
“You know, I found you a little creepy cause of your whole water thing, but after that, whenever we crossed paths, you would just look down and walk hastily. You have no idea how cute you were. As days went by, I was just hoping that you would come and talk to me and I was so glad you did.”
“Why don’t women make the first move? Like, I have rarely seen a woman come up and say to a guy that he looks sexy or his shoes are nice. You should understand that guys can also be shy.”
“Well, it is a woman thing; come on we don’t want to lose our upper hand over you. We know a guy is staring at us from a mile away, but we act like it’s no big deal.” She winked and gave me a smile. I smiled back and shook my head.
“So, you didn’t have any girl before? Like a love-life?” she asked.
“I had one. When I was in school, she was this cute little girl for whom I was head over heels. But she cheated on me and moved on with someone else. It took me 4 years to get over her, so from then on, I decided I won’t get serious with anyone. Besides, I did not find anyone either. I tried hooking up but understood I am not suited for that.”
“So what am I to you?” she asked.
“For now, I can’t say clearly but I like how things are going with you right now. We became friends with a very questionable first interaction and now we are on a date.” I said.
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Leaves had withered and turned yellow and there was a certain warmth in the air. We were sitting in the garden enjoying the sunset. It was peaceful. If we take a look at our life, it is basically made of small moments, like our first pet, the first time you get a medal in front of the school, the first salary, your first kiss, a Christmas dinner with your loved ones or just watching a simple sunset with someone special beside you. These small moments add up to define how beautifully we have lived and when we die only these beautiful moments flash before our eyes.
I vaguely open my eyes and could see that I was in a stretcher and being pushed onto an ambulance. Everything around me seemed numb yet I could feel the chaos. The next time I opened my eyes, I was could see two nurses running beside me. I was still not able to move and there was stinging pain across my back. The darkness was closing in again. I could barely keep myself up.
Three months ago, Lilly and I moved to a new apartment together. Over the years we had grown a lot. I grew a beard and got promoted as well while Lilly was shifted to the neuro-surgery department in her hospital which dealt with brain and spinal injuries. We were in a good place. We were busy during the day but at night we sit together having dinner watching something on Netflix. It was filled with hugs and kisses. She would walk around with my clothes on, teasing me. She would put on some music and pull me up to do a dance.
“You are so warm”, she would say every time I hugged her.
Those moments, those lovely moments are still fresh in my mind. One night, I returned home bummed. I wasn’t talking much and was visibly tense. Lilly noticed something was wrong.
“What happened Roy?” she asked.
“I am fine”
“You don’t look fine. Are you sick?”
“I am fine!”
“Let me check your temperature”, she came close to me and touched my forehead. I slapped her hand and yelled at her,
“If I say I am fine, I am fine. Just leave me alone!”
She knew something was wrong with me but could not get it out of me. She left the room, leaving me alone. I slept on the couch that night. The next morning, she made breakfast and went to work. I was still not able to talk to anyone. Later that afternoon, after she returned from work and set lunch on the table, I started to talk,
“I am sorry. I was not in my right mind yesterday”
She didn’t say anything to me and I continued,
“I had a bad day. My boss, she…. She was approaching me wrongly. She tried to molest me. I just didn’t know what to do and I came home. It was bugging me all day”
She stopped eating and looked at me asked,
“What have you decided to do?”
“I don’t know what needs to be done. She is very reputed and I don’t have anything to prove that she did all those things to me. There was no camera in the meeting room.”
“So?? Does that mean she should get away with it? Roy, women undergo such kind of stuff daily, the brave ones call it out then and there and they take action right away. After that, that guy leaves and some other guy comes and does the same, but at least we won’t be worried for the next couple of months while we travel the same route. The timid ones who are not able to speak up go through it the next day as well and this affects them mentally. They can’t focus on work, can’t focus on life, can’t focus on anything and you know the worst part, these people won’t leave babies as well. Just like women, men also go through this but our society has painted a picture in such a way that the molester is unshakeable and powerful while the one affected is puny and weak. They are always wrong. Just wrong. The victim should be taught to stand up and speak out about it and take the right action. Do you know why I was moved to the neuro department? My sister in charge found out that the duty doctor at night wanted to make an unsolicited approach on me. She became aware and pushed me to neuro. Now I am safe here but what about the next girl that takes my place? Is she? How many more nurses can my In-Charge save? So I wrote an anonymous letter to the chief doctor and he was shifted to another hospital. If you don’t act on it you will not make a change.” She left the table and let me think about what needed to be done next.
I wrote a mail to the VP about the incident. It became who came onto whom incident but my organization was very confidential about it. I understood that this was not the right place to work for me anymore, so I gave my notice. I served my notice period and found a new job in the next 3 months. My job was pretty simple and I was paid well. It was Christmas by then and I was with my family. While wandering the mall I saw a beautiful ring. And there it was again, this rush of calmness when I saw it. I immediately bought it and decided to propose to Lilly on New Year’s eve. I had my flight booked for the 30th of December. The weather was bad and the runway had gotten slippery because of the continuous rain for the past 2 days. My pilot lost control and we crashed upon landing.
I saw my wristband and G.H.H on it. As I was closing my eyes probably for the last time, my heart was beating a different rhythm.
Letter to my Lilly -
I know it’s cruel for things to end like this. Our life together had just begun and before we knew it ended. I wish there was more to it but I can never get enough of you. I know things don’t seem right now but even if I am not there, life has to go on. And once everything rests for you, I will meet you again. I will meet you in a land where we could just live again without being judged, without getting hurt by anyone. Till then… goodbye
Love,
Roy.
