WEEK IN REVIEW April 24, 2026
· He’s not dead yet.
· Kash Patel joins the President’s “Liquor Cabinet” pursuant to an expose by The Atlantic of his excessive drinking and drug use, and has decided to sue the magazine for defamation. Experts are debating whether the pleading itself, replete with spelling errors and hyperbolic claims, will be part of discovery.
· Answer there: this totalitarian government regime announced criminal charges and investigations into human rights organizations, creating false narratives that gave rise to public distrust in the organizations, in order to vanquish opposition. What is: the Trump Administration, which this week announced it was criminally investigating long-time civil rights organization, the Southern Poverty Law Center, which has been exposing corruption and defending underserved communities for decades. No, I’m sorry, the answer we were looking for was “What is Hitler’s administration,” which created false narratives and planted false evidence, claimed labor unions were Marxist, accused nuns of spreading sexual perversion, and disbanded journalist programs, sending in stormtroopers to destroy locations where organizations were supporting human rights.
· In this week’s episode of the hit comedy It’s Always Zuckerberg, CNBC reports that META is now tracking employee keystrokes on Google, LinkedIn, and Wikipedia as part of its AI training initiative. Next week, hilarity ensues as Jenna from accounting gets a surprise “Congratulations on your secret abortion!” bouquet from HR.
· The Boston Globe reports that Dr. Derrick Todd (who was a doctor at Brigham and Women’s Hospital along with having a private practice), has been arrested on 81 sexual assault charges (most on patients), making it the largest sexual assault case in Massachusetts history. But don’t worry; it’s not all men, just clergy, cops, doctors, and millionaires. And the few million dudes who flock to rape websites each week to watch live-action penetration. You’re totally safe.
· Millionaire trophy hunter, Ernie Dosia, was trampled this week by a herd of elephants while hunting for other big game to add to his kill collection. A GoFundMe has been set up for the elephants.
· The Inigo Montoya Award goes this week to Donald Trump, who called (yet another) black woman who graduated magna cum laude from Harvard “low-IQ.” When it comes to brilliant black women, “you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
· “Can you admit today that you said that if you had the power you would send every black kid to go live on farms and work.” — Senator Alsobrooks to RFK, Jr. this week (and yes, she had the recording).
· This year, a British news network reported 80 million visits last week to the sleep-assault website, “Motherless” where men can pay to watch other men livestream the rape of a drugged woman (the same website Giselle Pellicot’s husband used to invite men to rape her). So if you don’t know any men who would do such a thing, you do.
· Chef of the Year, Jeffrey MacDonald has been arrested for the murder of his wife, who was found bludgeoned to death in a hotel room. Your now weekly reminder that divorce is cheaper, has fewer side effects, and better food than prison.
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· In this week’s episode of Not the Onion, the gay hookup app, “Grindr,” is publicly promoting what it’s been doing in private at Republican events for years: hosting a weekend bash in DC to celebrate the Correspondent’s Dinner! No word on whether Lindsey Graham will publicly attend or simply wait in the number 3 men’s stall at the Mayflower Hotel as usual.
· “Claude, generate a photograph that fully displays misogyny of the current administration and stands for the longstanding practice of men taking credit for women’s achievements. Use this photo of the president and 4 other men in suits posing in front of the Champion University of Georgia women’s tennis champions by several feet, obscuring full view of the women, for inspiration.”
· This week, the New York Times reported that young social media influencers are promoting a new health practice and substance that they claim makes you live longer, think sharper, reverse Alzheimer’s, and is generally life enhancing. It’s nicotine, people. NICOTINE.
· Despite it formerly being the most sought after ticket in town, this year, news outlets are reporting nobody wants to go to the Bezos and Balloon Boobs Billionaire Ball, formerly marketed (before it was tacky) as the Met Gala.
· Newsweek reports this week that Kash Patel’s defamation lawsuit against former FBI official Frank Figiluzzi for saying that Mr. Patel was “visible at nightclubs far more than he has been on the seventh floor [where his office is located]” has been dismissed by a judge. Turns out you can’t sue people for telling the truth about their experience.
· Deputy Assistant Secretary Julia Varvaro is currently under investigation for using dating sites and a sugar daddy website to fund her lifestyle while serving under the President. With the cost of living these days, I mean, everyone needs a side hustle.
· The Justice Department’s Jeanine Pirro is closing its criminal investigation of Jerome Powell, for which its own lawyers said there was no evidence at the outset. In completely and totally unrelated news, the closure now paves the way for Donald Trump’s pick (Kevin “Sockpuppet” Warsh) to replace Mr. Powell to be confirmed by the Senate, and Ms. Pirro’s lead in the race to be the new AG.
· This week, Vogue attempted to “Christopher Columbus” black people’s hairstyles by relabeling an afro as a “cloud bob” (just like journalists tried to relabel corn rows as “Viking Braids”). Tell me you have not a single Black journalist on your editorial team without telling me you have not a single Black journalist on your editorial team.
· The CDC this week canceled the publication of a commissioned study, showing the benefits of the Covid vaccine. [quoty fingers] Dr. [end quoty fingers] Jay Bhattacharya’s reason for the move is he believes the design of the study (which has been used for many years to test the efficacy of vaccines) paints an inaccurate picture of the significant benefits. In unrelated news, pursuant to deep-sixing the report, the doctor relayed the happy news that he had purchased a new mansion in Georgetown and that he and his wife are expecting a baby they plan to name Ivermectin.
· Thank you for the beautiful music, Michael Tilson Thomas. I grew up believing the world was a beautiful place because of what you gave me. Your spirit will be missed.
Listen, I know it’s hard, but you have to believe women when we tell you how many times we have had to flee from predatory men. And to be clear, I’m not talking here about sexual assault (we discussed this); we’re talking about the multiple times we’ve had our wits about us enough to avoid being a victim (and it’s a lot).
These are not creepy dudes who drive late night cabs, or pedos who lurk in dark alleyways or opportunists with no job who wait outside bars (those exist, too, of course). For many of us, those types are easy to avoid. No, we’re talking about law partners at prominent firms, accountants, history professors, uncles, cousins, fathers. Yes, society has created a safe space for them, but so too have we as individuals in our homes. When I hear folks saying access to porn is natural and harmless, that “boys will be boys” pursuant to a teen’s sexually objectifying language; when you act like obsession is a phase, I know you’re the problem. A boy’s misogyny rarely started with external pressure. It because for those of us who have boys (like me) with how we decided to characterize their sexual behavior and what we taught them. If we want to stop our daughters from being raped and assaulted, we have to stop our sons from doing it. I’m gonna have gin tonight. What are you drinking?
