Where Do I Actually Belong?
Perhaps belonging isn’t about finding a place in someone else’s world, but finally making room for yourself.
Some days, I literally find myself asking this question: Where do I belong?
There are days when this vulnerable feeling surrounds me, when I look at my life and wonder if I actually belong anywhere in this world. Maybe nowhere.
When I think about my family, I sometimes feel like I am a burden to them. Even though I try to do most things on my own, there is always this feeling somewhere inside me that I am someone they are just waiting to see leave.
Sometimes, no matter what I do, I feel like I will always be less for them. Like I will never quite be the person they want me to be. I am not the asset they expect me to be.
And sometimes, I wonder if they are more attached to the things I do for them than to me as a person. I don’t know if this is actually how they feel or if this is just how things have made me feel over time. But the feeling is there, and it hurts.
I have also lost a love that once meant so much to me. Though I know I played a part in losing it, there are still moments when I think about it. Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if I hadn’t been so consumed by everything else happening in my life.
I look around and see people whose lives seem a little easier, especially when it comes to relationships. I see families that accept people as they are, respect the decisions they make for themselves, understand their potential, and let them live their lives. They let them choose their own people, make their own decisions, and figure things out along the way.
And I wonder, how did their families evolve into that? Why couldn’t mine?
Why does everything have to be so complicated when it comes to my family?
I also see people who find someone they love, put in the effort, stand by each other, and eventually end up together. And sometimes, I wonder why I couldn’t do that.
The truth is, I was so exhausted by everything happening in my own life that I almost became paralyzed. I couldn’t gather the strength to put in the effort, even when I wanted to. I had so much going on within me that I couldn’t show up for something I genuinely wanted.
And sometimes, I wonder why my life had to be this complicated. Why did everything have to feel so difficult? Why couldn’t I just have a little space to breathe, to love, to be loved, and to figure things out?
There is something else I have slowly started realizing.
Sometimes, I feel like I am not really loved for who I am. I am admired for what I can offer, for my potential, for the things I can do for people. But I don’t know if that is the same as being loved.
Because love, at least the kind of love I want, shouldn’t come with so many conditions.
Conditions to follow certain norms. Conditions to make decisions that others approve of. Conditions to live a certain way. Conditions to constantly prove that you are doing enough or being enough.
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I don’t want to be appreciated only for what I can give. I want to feel loved even when I have nothing to offer.
And perhaps, after years of trying to adjust, compromise, understand, and make things work, I have finally reached a point where I cannot do this anymore.
I cannot sacrifice my life anymore.
I cannot keep letting go of my happiness, my desires, and the things I want just to make other people comfortable. I need to draw a line in my relationships, especially with my family.
My life decisions have to be mine. I cannot keep allowing other people’s expectations to decide how I should live.
I know this won’t be easy. There will be guilt. There will be disagreements. There will probably be moments when I will question whether I am doing the right thing.
But I don’t want to keep abandoning myself just because choosing myself might disappoint someone else.
Sometimes, I so wish my life could be simple too. At least when it comes to relationships. I wish choosing what I want didn’t have to be such a difficult thing. I wish I could make decisions without constantly thinking about how someone else would feel. I wish I could just live my life without feeling like I am doing something wrong every time I choose myself.
I don’t know why things have to be this complicated. I really don’t.
But no matter how complicated it gets, I don’t want to give up on the life I want.
I want to choose what makes me happy. I want to do things I desire. I want to build relationships with people I choose. I want to experience life without constantly carrying the guilt of not living up to someone else’s expectations.
And maybe the truth is, I belong to myself.
Maybe I have spent so much time looking for a place where I feel accepted, understood, and wanted that I have forgotten that I also need to make a place for myself.
A place where I don’t have to constantly explain my choices. Where I don’t have to feel guilty for wanting something different. Where I can make mistakes, change my mind, pursue what makes me happy, and simply live.
I don’t know if that will make everything easier. I don’t know if I will stop feeling lonely or if these questions will ever completely go away.
But I know one thing: I cannot keep letting go of myself in the hope that someone else will make room for me.
Maybe I belong to myself.
And maybe it is time I started living like that.
Thank you for reading…
