Forlorn
I’m grateful for you.
At same time I regret ever meeting you
That hour was a mistake
I knew I should have used a different route,
One definitely not leading to you.
But instead, my eyes found yours.
I knew I was in trouble so sweet, it tasted like honey with bee stings
You were a terrible aftertaste
but a delightful mistake I longed to make over and over again.
I was in denial when you left.
After leaving me crumbs while I gave you the bakers cake,
you knew what was just enough to keep me satisfied.
Why should I blame you as I do now ?
Instead I hurt myself,
For the million times I called and you didn’t pick up.
I wrote and you could not respond.
you loved another human being, how dare you ?
I curse myself,
For not learning how to disguise pain as hatred
Not conforming to modern day romance..
I should have cared less they said.
I never know if I could.
The truth?
I have always wanted to know what it feels like to matter to someone.
Someone who wakes up and i am present in her thoughts.
I want someone who would give thanks to God that I exist.
I exist for her.
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I’ve always needed one to feel what I feel, just as the goosebumps cloud my skin in excitement when she is around me.
Someone to sing me songs, write me poetry. Make me yours.
I want someone to be in my dreams, so vivid when I wake it was as if she was sleeping right beside me.
Someone who would sit on her chair
daydream of a life where she and I woke up late on a Saturday morning tired
the previous night party I dreaded lasted a bit too long.
She would grin at a long to-do list with frustration. Then she’ll stare at me and find joy.
All Fantasies…
In reality. I’m seated alone on an old crusty bench in the middle of a park at 3pm. The air is filled with songs of different birds. No harmony, just chaos. I look around and I see young people running in the distance with what looks like a frisbee. I let out a brief sigh. Nature is beautiful. From the grass to the trees, even to the spider crawling on my jacket, it has a way of making you feel like the earth built a place and time just for you.
But I had to remember,
I am meant to be the only one sitting on that bench. For this and other desires will never be mine. Just as darkness escapes morning light, love avoids my presence.
I do not deserve to be held just like my grandma holds on to a railing when coming down the stairs. I do not deserve to be missed like the sun in winter December. I do not deserve to call anyone love, if I do then tag me a liar, for I do not love you when all I might want to do is leave you.
Isolation is my pharmacy, loneliness is the drug I’m forced to take.
I think i am made of fire, too dangerous to touch your heart, too afraid to leave an everlasting burn. I tear myself into written pieces each day I think of a name because the longer I stay with it, the more pain I could cause.
I bleed because I physically cannot tell anyone what I feel, so am left to use medium stories and poetry, hoping that someone can imagine me voicing my emotions through the words they read. And the heavens will bear me witness that i tried to change my fate, rewrite destiny so that I could love someone who will love me more than I ever could.
I was caught and thrown out to live my days as a wanderer. Walk the earth like Cain.
All I ever wanted…
was to know how it feels to matter to someone.
Times are changing.
The once young are getting older and wiser.
Making long lasting decisions everyday.
The earth is moving
It pauses for no one.
Perhaps I should move just as the world does.
New mornings, new memories.
To live a life so carefree because there will always be a tomorrow.
I don’t know…
I just require peace.
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