False Joy
And other masks we wear
How many times I have worn the mask of false joy. At work, with family, with friends, with myself — it’s not calculable. All my life. Pretending to be happy. Yeah, everything is fine. I’m good, thanks for asking.
But the minute I got home it was time for the mask to come off and face reality. Loneliness, depression, isolation, heartache. Everything I was feeling was the complete opposite of joy. But I put on the mask and fooled everyone. No one knew the real me. I was so good at it, too. Never any suspicion, never anybody calling me out on my BS. Daring me to take off the mask. Truth is, I was too scared to look at what I had been hiding behind it.
So this got me to thinking about how in the past I was what everyone else wanted to see. What everyone else wanted me to be. And I was the only one who wasn’t getting what I wanted. To be who I was, authentically.
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I have been out of my Dark Night for a little over a year, and all of the inner work I have done in the last 2 years during that journey has brought so much to the surface. Masks is the latest.
Here are just a few of the masks I have worn:
Caregiver. Babysitter. Family Rock. Good daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, grandmother, coworker, employee.
What I have come to understand about this for myself is that, as a child, it kept me safe. Pretending, placating adults, trying to fit in with the “group” at school, and as an adult, the same masks at jobs. Masking up to be like everyone else. I understand now that I am not, and that’s ok.
Do I still wear a mask when it’s called for? Yes, but it’s not the same. There are certain situations where I have to be “something” in certain settings. Wearing the “professional mask” when I am giving a presentation to a group of upper-level management individuals, for instance, but the difference is that the mask isn’t hiding anything anymore. It’s transparent; people can see me, hear me, feel me. I’m showing up authentically but with the necessary boundaries and discernment that I need to use and set to keep others clear about who I am and how I am.
So I guess what I’m pointing out here is that there are masks we wear that we created or were created for us, and the masks that serve a positive or growth purpose.
Which kind of mask have you been wearing?
