BOOBIE TRAP

If She Did the Laundry

Kristi Noem curated everything. She missed the hotpants.

Kristi Noem wrote a book. No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward.

It described a meeting with Kim Jong-un that never happened.

It also had Cricket. Her 14-month-old wirehaired pointer, shot in a gravel pit for killing a neighbor’s chickens. She then shot a goat. She put both stories in the book to show she makes tough decisions. This is true. She does make tough decisions. Most of them are wrong, but she makes them without flinching, which in certain parts of America is considered a personality.

She has silicon lips. She banned transgender girls from school sports. She signed a religious freedom bill that let businesses in South Dakota discriminate against gay people. Never supported gay marriage, she says, because of her faith. She said God called her to run for Congress. God, in this telling, is a South Dakota Republican with a very specific agenda and apparently no time to proofread.

Last Tuesday, the internet found out that her husband Bryon has been sending photographs of himself in flaming red hotpants and enormous fake breasts to fetish models online. For what appears to be a very long time. He allegedly sent at least $25,000 to these women.

She says she was blindsided.