I actually dislike this.
The narrative that your value comes from external validation is one you see a lot.
But a person shouldn’t be told that “you are beautiful based on another persons perspective” because that cuts both ways.
If you tell them this, it can easily be flipped around to say “okay but theres 10 million people on the internet who would love to call you ugly so thats 10 million to 1”
Instead, the only person whos opinion on your body that matters is YOU, and thats it.
And Ill keep banging that drum.
If I have a daughter, Im gonna tell her this all the time, “tell anyone who tries to convince you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that the beholder outta keep their fuckin opinions to themself”
Even though I agree that external validation shouldn’t be relied on, and your own opinion of yourself is the most important, that’s still really hard to do when you don’t like how you look.
A different comic that connected to me a little more was this one:
Where just because I don’t like the way I look, doesn’t mean I’m ugly. Someone else may like just as I am, so the important thing for me is to be healthy and happy with myself, even if I don’t like how I look
… I’m realizing I’m mostly just rewording what you said, but I wanted to share the comic in case it helps someone else see another perspective :D
that’s still really hard to do when you don’t like how you look.
Never said it was easy, just that it was important!
One of the best ways I found to discover beauty was practicing art. The process of discovering beauty in anything and anyone makes it a lot less challenging to then find beauty in yourself.
When you can look at a mark on your body and go “I love how this breaks up the negative space and adds an interesting dynamic rhythm to my features” you are on the path.
The human body is full of beautiful curves, contours, patterns, shapes.
And so are apples.
If I can find beauty in a picture of an apple sitting on a table, it sure isnt more challenging to see the same of my own reflection haha.
That is a great way to look at it!
It’s always hard to get through the mental block of comparing oneself to others (or your own art to another’s), but I really really like how you said the process of discovering the beauty in anything. I need to internalize that and push away the perfectionism that says I could (should) do better. That doesn’t matter, anything can be beautiful, and there’s no good reason to discredit something just because you’re still in the process of learning (or self improving)
Thank you, I’ll definitely be stealing this way of explaining what I’ve been trying to put into words
Like many other mentioned, welcome to human psyche, where your PoV does not have to match the PoV of others. Some need awareness that external validation exists. Some need awareness that while it exists, it does not have to be more important than your own view. There is no cookie-cutter option, sadly.
Best case scenario is - teach a kid that their view is valid and true, while also pointing out that people have so varied tastes that she will always be considered attractive and we have no “hard” definition of beaty - it’s all subjective, both within and without.
Some need awareness that external validation exists
Hard disagree, external validation is not a fundamental need.
Any perception that it is, is an internalized mental blocker (likely due to countless years of social conditioning)
Your cage is made of out of sticks.
Great. I know at the very least 3 people who survive only thanks to the external validation, because their own opinion about themselves is so low they need to rely on external one to feel any self worth whatsoever.
So, tell me what to relay to them. And no “you are worthy” - cause that’s external validation.
See my other post about how beauty can literally be found in anything, and how the practice of art is a lot like working out a muscle group. The act of finding beauty takes practice, its nothing to be ashamed about lacking as a practiced skill, but anyone can gain that skill by working at it.
But once you can find beauty in anything, even an apple sitting on a plate, it does become easier to find beauty in anything else, including oneself.
I hate that I have to agree but I can’t find any hole here, at least tied to art itself. There are holes overall tho - not everybody has time, sense or will to pick up art. Art is hard and even harder it is to feel good about your art, as grasping the ideas that you’re doing art for yourself and it does not need to be perfect may be hard. I know, I tried to drag a bunch of people into it.
But I can see how art can be used to make seeing beauty in everything and honestly, good advice. Not universal, but thanks for giving me that ^^
I still think that some people simply need external validation to perceive themselves not even attractive but normal, mostly due to low self esteem and them being in a state they hate (for example, being fat). Pointing out that a lot of their attractive traits like hair, eyes, smile etc. didn’t change quite often helps them start seeing it themselves.
I do not believe we should rely in external validation tho. Just that it can, and sometimes even is needed, to feel good about yourself.
But what if I am the one who hates my body the most. 10 million people on the internet don’t give a damn about my body, but I think I’m ugly. So sadly your argument doesn’t help very much.
But what if I am the one who hates my body the most
That is still the only opinion that matters.
Matters, in the sense of “should determine action”
If 100 millionnpeople say you are ugly, they can go fuck themselves.
But if you say you are ugly, that matters and should be addressed and worked on.
I’m sorry. My partner is in a similar situation and even though they trust me and know that I am honest all of my “you are beautiful” ring hollow. Which tends to make me feel as though they “settled” for me, and if they ever do truly see their beauty I will loose them. But I still try to find ways to show them.
“tell anyone who tries to convince you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that the beholder outta keep their fuckin opinions to themself”
I have a daughter, and I’m shamelessly stealing that, thank you. Beholders should mind their own fucking business. Besides, Beholders aren’t exactly the ones who should speak very loudly about beauty standards anyway.
I dunno Beholders have a tendency to think pretty highly of themselves though… 🤔
To reinforce this my health teacher in high school (early 2000s) had a few classes on self image and self love.
This included an exercise to look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself “you look good” and mean it.
Regardless of how you feel because everyone should be proud of who they are. Even if you have pimples or bags under your eyes you should love yourself.
Badass teacher.
With all this talk of loving yourself etc, I’d like to take the opportunity to ask if anyone else has wild variance on hither appearance?
I’m tricked into looking at myself every day when I brush my teeth or use the toilet. Some days I’ll see a dashing handsome Disney type guy like Gaston or something, but other days its a properly ugly guy whos been homeless and unwashed for just a little too long
It’ll flip back and forth too in the space of a day or two. I’m vaguely aware that itll probably be connected to self-esteem and confidence and the like, but i dont find myself actually aware of any mental changes outside of that.
Similar for weight when I catch myself in the window reflection. Sometimes I’m an opera singer and sometimes I look pretty buff. Again, no physical changes, same reflection same week.
Is this pretty normal?
When I wake up I have really nice hair for about 30 minutes before it turns itself messy.
Same for me. It basically tracks how happy/content i am in general. I just ignore it and assume im the decent looking version.
Pretty normal for me. For myself in the mirror, I can see a tall strong man or a short squat chump. True for how I see other folks as well, depending on how I might feel/how they might have been behaving…
is for me
Are there other people who just never even consider what they look like? As in, the concept barely exists in their head? Clothes, hair, whatever.
I spend maybe 3 seconds on it if I’m in a charitable mood.
It’s just so wild for me to see all of this stuff everywhere destroying people’s lives over something that I don’t even experience in any way.
Don’t worry though, plenty depressed about other stuff.
and unfortunately you ultimately need that person to be yourself. its necessary to be valued, and your partner should absolutely appreciate your beauty, but no amount of external validation will fill the void. pro tip from someone who hasnt figured out how to do it yet 🐌
I have to disagree, but only a little. Sometimes that external validation can help a person see their own beauty as well. Speaking from experience. He seems to appreciate it so it’s easier to be nicer to myself.
That’s the ultimate irony. You can’t be loved unless you love yourself.
That’s not true, you can love anyone no mater how they feel.
Your statement kills hope, “well if you can’t love your self no one will like you” might as well give up.
I love people who don’t even know I exist, some of the most self loathing people I have met are in committed loving relationships, I’m not talking about proformitive self hate but sitting in the dark drinking wine laying it all out to a friend you know you can trust self hate.
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