It’s been 117 days since I quit my job, I made a decision that most older generation might find jarring. I always knew this was going to happen but I thought it would be in different circumstances. I have read countless articles on quitting a job without having a backup plan. You know you’re serious about it when you start researching topics like that. I don’t know if it was brave or reckless decision, but I guess time will tell. I just know 24 year old me did what felt right. I am trying to focus on spending this period of my life right, because I know I won’t be unemployed, free and young forever.
One of the hardest questions people have asked me is; what’s next or what’s your plan? I hate the look of disappointment I get when I respond with silence. I stay silent not because I don’t have any ideas but I fumble when I try to share them. So I protect my ideas by keeping them to myself.
With so much time at hand there’s a lot I want to do but I don’t know how to start, and I am overwhelmed with everything. I spend too much time in my head than actually living and making things happen.
If I was a fictional character in a movie then I would be that twenty something year old girl who is unemployed, lives with her parent or moved back to her childhood home, dealing with her parents constantly nagging her to make something out of her life, and struggling with her mental health.
I have been trying to heal and improve myself, which has lead me to become more aware of who I am. Learning about myself has opened me to parts about myself that are challenging to accept. However I am learning that self-acceptance is crucial for my mental health, especially as I deal with the scars left from my previous job.
This has been important as I reflect on my time at my previous job. Self-acceptance is me learning to live with my flaws, mistakes and regret. I honestly thought quitting my job was all I needed to be okay again. Little did I know that when you’ve been at the receiving end of bullying from co workers, toxicity and maltreatment from senior colleagues getting out of the situation does not magically heal you. I didn’t realize that until weeks after I quitted.
I have a version of who I think I should be in my head, and it doesn’t quite match who I am in reality. So, I am working on bridging the gap, and trying to align my reality with my expectations.
Get Rukayyah’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
I feel undeserving of every bite that I take. Every privilege is questioned by me. It’s not because I don’t deem myself deserving of good things but job hunting will have you question your capabilities. There’s always a battle between me and my inner voice not knowing which to shut out or work on.
I knew what I was getting myself into when I left my job but that still did’nt prepare me for all that has happened in the last months. The hardest part eating me up is that I am unable to vent my frustrations to the people around me. I can tell they are waiting for me to but I can’t handle the “ I told you so”.
I am an advocate for avoiding comparison but it is hard not to when you’re 25 and jobless. I almost changed ‘jobless’ to ‘unemployed’ just because the latter sounds more polished. Funny how even the language we use can affect how we perceive ourselves. I watched a TED Talk and the lady said we should turn our pain into success. That when life gives you lemon you make lemonade.
Life has given me many lemons so I am here hustling for some sugar to make my lemonade. This thought has kept me on the edge cause I keep asking myself what should I make out of this season of my life. I am determined to not let this season go away without me making something from it.
One of the beautiful experience about being able to put ones thought down is the realisation and clarity one gets from doing so. I am glad that I am understanding that this is a season, a phase that will pass. There used to be a period in my life when graduating from university without an extra year used to be my ultimate goal. In that season that was all that mattered. This season is all about finding a job and creating an opportunity for myself.
As I reflect on my life at the moment I feel like I have lost a part of me to the job, for that reason I feel disconnected to myself. It’s easy to hide away from life’s struggle if you had to get up everyday and make some money. Our jobs served as a distraction. Now, I have all the time in the world to analyse my struggles which might be a good thing if I know when to stop overthinking.
And then there’s also the shame of being jobless cause most people thought I was laid off. Our society has a way of making a big deal out of things that are absolutely okay and normal. There’s no shame in being laid off unless if it was due to an illegal act. This mentality has left me feeling ashamed and unable to go out during the day, or maybe it’s just me overthinking it. it’s hard to admit but our self-worth is attached to our job and titles.
So as I go through everyday squeezing out the juice from the lemon life has given me, I am always reminding myself that I will be okay. I don’t know what okay looks like yet but I will get there.
