Why does your coffee maker have a waffle hat?

Makes sense only billionaires can afford to live in California.

In a democracy you really only have the voters to blame.

That’s a hell of a soup strainer.

DoorDash has a service now where the dasher will bring you stuff from your fridge to save unnecessary trips like that.

Where are her nipples?

Not one restaurant in Italy offered me unlimited breadsticks just saying.

Well he eats normal mustard and wears normal suits so he hasn’t broken any of the two commandments.

Thanks Obama.

Spam is great for many things.

I’m glad he got past his heroin addiction.

They’d agree pork is best too.

I know you don’t want them involved because they’d agree with me.

Pork is the best schnitzel.

My grandma is addicted to porn on her phone she just constantly goons.

You walk into her room at the nursing house and her fingers are wrinkly like she just got out of the bath and it smells like day old tuna salad.

He likes mirrors a lot too.

I’d let the boebs do that to me she’s a gilf.

Goddamn they’re both hot as fuck.

If god is Jewish what did he use to circumcise himself?