- 7 months ago
Taskmaster UK S19E05 (2025)
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:34Yes, hello. Hello, thank you.
00:37Welcome one and all to Taskmaster,
00:40one of the many TV shows that my own nieces don't watch.
00:44And yet, am I expected to display your school photos in my home?
00:49I doubt it!
00:51They've gone in the drawer with years' worth of your rubbish artwork.
00:55I know you'll never hear this, but it's enough for me to know
00:59that I've said it on TV.
01:01Quid pro quo, you monsters!
01:03Quid pro quo!
01:07Moving along.
01:08Please welcome to the show Fatia El Ghori!
01:13Jason Mandzuka!
01:16Matthew Bainter!
01:19Rosie Ramsey!
01:21And Stevie Martin!
01:24And next to me, a man who drives an electric car,
01:30and to quote him,
01:32not for the good of the planet,
01:34but because it makes my wife horny.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38It's little Alex Horne!
01:40APPLAUSE
01:44What's happening, sweet prince?
01:46I'm...
01:47I'm trying...
01:48I'm trying to be brave for you, Greg.
01:50Mm.
01:51You know I struggle with accents.
01:52Oh, yeah.
01:53I can't do them.
01:54Well, I can do them now.
01:55I've had lessons.
01:56OK.
01:57So I'd like to demonstrate my new grasp of accents.
01:59Are you ready?
02:00Yeah, I'm ready for the joke that you cooked up six minutes ago.
02:03I'm going to start with Beyonce.
02:05Ready?
02:06OK.
02:07There's one on the E.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:11And now I'm going to do the Quebec accent.
02:14It's on the first E.
02:16I'm now going to do the Oslo accent.
02:20Good morning.
02:22I am from Oslo.
02:24Norway.
02:25APPLAUSE
02:27Let's get on with the price task.
02:32Right.
02:33Yes.
02:34I'm going to get on, Greg.
02:36And this time you've asked him to bring in the best object
02:39to bestow in your will to a relative against whom you are seeking revenge.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44We've all thought about it.
02:45We all want revenge.
02:46And I shall have my revenge.
02:48The object Greg thinks is best to bestow will be gifted five points
02:52and the winner of the episode will have to update their will
02:54with five new objects.
02:56Back to you, my sweet little Greg Forrest Gatto.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:01Matthew, what have you bought me to take revenge on a relative?
03:05I've brought a thousand-piece jigsaw of the Mona Lisa.
03:09Oh.
03:10You've got this in your will.
03:11I'd quite like that.
03:12I think quite a lot of nerds would like that, so...
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16Well, this relative is not a nerd.
03:18Interestingly, you have, in your mind, picked a specific relative.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23Did we not all...?
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26Let's call him Terry.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:30So, every time Terry comes over, I've got a jigsaw on the go,
03:35and Terry begins to get the impression that I'm really into jigsaws.
03:38Right.
03:39So, when I leave the Mona Lisa in my will, Terry's going to think,
03:44I guess I'd better do it in his memory.
03:47And then, how disappointed they would be...
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51..when they find...
03:53APPLAUSE
03:55This is a piece that Matthew is going to be buried with.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00So genuinely fiendish, Matthew.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04Rosie.
04:05I have brought used coffee bean granules
04:08in the shape of a delicious chocolate brownie.
04:12Oh, God, OK.
04:13Here it is.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15What I'm going to do, every time they come round,
04:18I'm going to be making chocolate brownies.
04:20I'm going to make them the most delicious chocolate brownies
04:22that they've ever had in their life.
04:24And then, when I die, I'm going to get my coffee granules
04:27and I'm going to leave it with a note for them saying,
04:30one last time.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:33Then it'll be disgusting.
04:35And they'll never forget it.
04:36Great.
04:37I mean, that would be absolutely horrific.
04:39Jason, what are you planning to do
04:41to your most dislikeable relative?
04:43OK.
04:44So, I collect a lot of art, right?
04:48Right.
04:49But not, like, good art.
04:50A lot of weird stuff.
04:52So, here's the thing.
04:53There are times when I am up late at night
04:56going on websites to buy random paintings, OK?
05:00OK.
05:01I do not remember purchasing this painting,
05:03but it arrived at my house.
05:05Imagine my surprise.
05:07Here it is.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:11Is this not the most haunted thing you've ever seen?
05:15I hate it.
05:17Yes.
05:18I don't care for it either.
05:20This task allows me an opportunity to offload this nightmare.
05:24I'm so sorry for whoever gets it.
05:27Wow.
05:28I mean, it is...
05:29God-awful.
05:30Yeah.
05:31Stevie, can you beat the disembodied floating heads of children?
05:35I think it is quite root one, but I wouldn't like this.
05:37So, it's like a really interesting-looking old envelope...
05:41OK.
05:42..that makes you be like, hang on, what's going on here?
05:44There's the envelope.
05:45Interesting.
05:46So, when you open it...
05:48This is what happens.
05:49A lot of glitter and it says, ha-ha, you're a twat.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53APPLAUSE
05:55Very clever, really.
05:57You've lowered my expectations so much,
05:59but I quite liked, ha-ha, you're a twat.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03Ah, my old friend.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:08You all right, baby?
06:09What have you brought us?
06:10Well, I mean, I dread to think what revenge you're going to take.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14So, I brought pillows.
06:17She brought pillows, yeah.
06:19And then, but the pièce de résistance is the little note.
06:23Could you please show us the note, Alex?
06:25There's a word I didn't understand, but it says this.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:29So, let me give you the context, right?
06:31I've got an auntie who's a BITCH!
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36And basically, for three birthdays on the trot,
06:39the bitch has got me pillows.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42Is that the one reason she's a bitch?
06:44Yeah!
06:45Because she buys you pillows?
06:46Yeah!
06:47So, she hasn't done anything?
06:48She's not been rude to you?
06:49No!
06:50She cooks the best couscous in the world,
06:52but I won't eat it.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:55The first time you got the pillows,
06:56were you happy with that?
06:57Yeah, I was happy.
06:58Right.
06:59Because I mentioned once that I need pillows.
07:00Why not?
07:01See, what's in pillows?
07:02See, what's in pillows?
07:03Yeah, but not free ties!
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06Well, this is your mistake.
07:07You should be saying in between things you like.
07:09Things that you need next year.
07:11Yeah.
07:12This year, I need a kettle.
07:13A kettle.
07:14What the hell am I, a 70-year-old woman?
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17Get ready to receive a painting, ladies.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22Right, Greg, what is the least good revenge?
07:25I feel sorry for Stevie a little bit.
07:27Come on!
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29Oh, my pillows!
07:30It's not that bad, is it?
07:31It could be seen as just like a,
07:33ha, you twat.
07:34Love you.
07:35It's the glitter element.
07:36You've forgotten that element.
07:37Oh, God, yes.
07:38I'm sorry, five points.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40So it's one point to Stevie.
07:42When I think about this beautiful head
07:45popping down for the night,
07:48he doesn't want to pop his head onto some coffee grounds.
07:51He wants to pop them onto some pillows.
07:53So two points for the lovely pillows.
07:54Two points for you, Fatia.
07:55And big respect to your auntie.
07:57She's going to be your auntie soon, so stop fighting her.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:01Three points for the coffee grounds for Rosie.
08:03OK, three to Rosie, thank you.
08:05And now we're up with the really sinister things.
08:08He won't like this,
08:10and it's one of the reasons I'm going to do it.
08:12I'm going to give you both five points.
08:13Yes!
08:14OK, five to make you find a situation.
08:16APPLAUSE
08:18Let's task two right.
08:20And yes, please, Mummy, it's time to camp it up a bit.
08:23MUSIC PLAYS
08:25Wow.
08:39Hello.
08:41Hi, Stevie.
08:42Wow.
08:43You like it?
08:44I love it.
08:45It's like a spa, isn't it?
08:46Is it?
08:47A little bit.
08:48Posh one.
08:49I like this.
08:51You like grottos?
08:52Yeah.
08:53And it's great what people did before the internet.
08:55LAUGHTER
08:58Be the least annoying person round the campfire.
09:02Round the campfire.
09:04Should have had a little apostrophe before the R.
09:07Don't worry about it, I got it.
09:09OK.
09:11Be the least annoying person round the campfire.
09:14You must either sing a folk song.
09:17Tell a ghost story.
09:18Or recite a beat poem.
09:20And not be annoying.
09:23Your song, story or poem must either be about fast cars.
09:28Barbecues.
09:29Or DIY.
09:31And it can contain no more than 100 words.
09:35You must perform your song, story or poem in ten minutes from now.
09:39If I do a folk song, do I get an instrument?
09:43Yeah, I've got all the instruments.
09:45All of them?
09:46You've got a little egg?
09:47No?
09:50What's the beat poem?
10:00Is that the shit they do in America?
10:02Well, we can ask Jason.
10:03Who's Jason?
10:04He's the American on the show.
10:06Don't put that in.
10:09I think we will.
10:12I'm meant to be the least annoying.
10:14Yeah, you are supposed to be.
10:15Yeah.
10:16You brought this.
10:17Huge mistake.
10:19Um...
10:21Did you hear that?
10:22Yeah.
10:23That's a problem.
10:24The ghost of a moorhen.
10:25You've got nine minutes left, Stevie.
10:29It's not improv it.
10:30But it's got to be no more than 100 words.
10:32Oh, shit.
10:33When are you going to write the...
10:34I figured I'd freestyle it.
10:35Oh, fine.
10:36How much have you written so far, Stevie?
10:41I mean, given that the task centres around not being annoying,
10:52you calling back to a moorhen.
10:54Yeah, that wasn't...
10:55That wasn't part of the thing.
10:57And as for you, you were annoying so many times.
11:00I mean, you corrected the grammar on the task.
11:04Yeah?
11:05It doesn't look good, Jason, but let's see.
11:07Am I going first?
11:08Yes, it is first.
11:09A man whose co-stars on IMDb will soon read
11:12Keanu Reeves, Mark Wahlberg, Robert De Niro
11:14and little Alex Hornet's Jason Mandzukus.
11:23This is a folk song for you.
11:28Alex, we rode the rails together.
11:32Up and down, east and west, north and south,
11:37we did it all.
11:39From sea to sea, marsh to bog,
11:42we made sweet love on a dead mossy log.
11:48You're my best friend.
11:51And I love you with all of my heart.
11:55Alex...
11:56Will you marry me?
11:57I don't think so.
12:10What?
12:11I don't think so.
12:12Barbecue, fast cars, or DIY?
12:13Fast train cars.
12:14I said we hop trains, right?
12:15Yeah, fast train cars.
12:16Pretty sure train cars go probably faster than automobiles.
12:30Do you need it spelled out for you?
12:32It's goddamn poetry.
12:33Thank you so much, Jason.
12:34Thank you so much, Jason.
12:35Thank you, Alex.
12:36But you have broken my heart.
12:39APPLAUSE
12:42I found the following things annoying.
12:44Your smile.
12:46Your confidence, your tone of voice,
12:49the soundtrack you chose, the rhyming scheme,
12:51the mawkish insincerity, the proposal,
12:54and the smug explanation of your art.
12:58LAUGHTER
12:59And I added a footnote.
13:01It wasn't even about fast cars.
13:03It was about fucking and marrying my friend.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:07Five points.
13:09So, so far, so bad.
13:11Next up, it's...
13:14I wish I could roll my R's.
13:15It's Rosie Ramsey.
13:18You ready?
13:19I can't wait.
13:20Why do I keep dreaming
13:29Of being alone with you
13:33Having a barbecue for our team
13:37Sausage burgers halloumi
13:42We'll be on the menu
13:46Then we'll wash it all down with a Pinot Grinch
13:52It's the best way to eat
13:55Outside on a little seat
13:57Barbecuing is in my blood
14:00My dad is a barbecue stud
14:04In my town
14:07So why don't you join me
14:13Grab yourself a spewer
14:16And slide on some of those veggies
14:22APPLAUSE
14:24Yeah.
14:31Pretty impressive.
14:33Because I've got a long history of being irritated
14:35When people show us they can sing.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38But I didn't find that irritating.
14:39I thought it was genuine.
14:40As you could tell from the studio reactions as well.
14:42All of us enjoyed it.
14:44By stark contrast to Jason's.
14:46LAUGHTER
14:48That's the first part over.
14:49Time for a little interval.
14:51But there's more camping coming up soon.
14:54Maybe sooner than you think.
14:56Oh, shut up!
14:57You shut up!
14:58APPLAUSE
15:00Hello.
15:01Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's part two and the cast are trying their best not to be annoying.
15:16Perhaps their hardest challenge yet.
15:19Quick reminder then, their song, story or poem must be no more than 100 words.
15:25And once again, it has to be no more than 100 words.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30Here's Fatia.
15:31And Stevie.
15:32This is a true story.
15:45Once I was in Morocco, and it was Eid, right?
15:51And it was the second Eid, which is the Eid of sacrifice.
15:55So you have to slaughter an animal.
15:57So we slaughtered a goat, and a goat is my favourite meat.
16:00Do you eat meat?
16:01Yes, I eat meat.
16:02The goat is the best meat.
16:03OK.
16:04Don't you think?
16:05Yes.
16:06This is not part of the poem.
16:07It's not a poem, it's a story.
16:08A story that is not one.
16:09Am I taking out the goat stuff?
16:10No, no, not the goat.
16:11Just when I asked you if you eat meat.
16:12Right.
16:13OK.
16:14And then, this is for real, yeah, this is what happened.
16:16It was a guest at somebody's house.
16:17And it was really nice, because it's my favourite meat.
16:19Up to about 90 words, man.
16:20OK.
16:21I'm going to carry on.
16:22OK.
16:23Because I've got to finish the story.
16:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:25People want to hear it.
16:26OK.
16:27And I said, no, I'm full.
16:28She goes, no, you'll really like it.
16:30And then she goes, this is the best meat.
16:32And she went like this.
16:33And the goat that they'd slaughtered had a baby inside.
16:37And that was the baby.
16:39She went like this.
16:41Like a flag.
16:42She said, do you want to eat it?
16:43And I said, no, thank you.
16:48Would you not find that scary?
16:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:50Innit?
16:51So that's it?
16:52Yeah, that's it.
16:53I think I once saw a ghost at a barbecue, but I don't know, really.
17:00You saw a ghost at a barbecue?
17:01Yeah.
17:02Or maybe I didn't.
17:03Do you want a sausage?
17:04Yeah, I'd love a sausage.
17:05OK, cool.
17:06Yeah.
17:07Gonna get a sausage.
17:09Oh, my God.
17:12I see your technique.
17:19Clever.
17:21A ghost story that was neither here nor there, thrown away.
17:24Yeah.
17:25Sometimes people fall at the last hurdle, don't they?
17:27What?
17:28And that sausage song just got to me.
17:30Yeah, I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:32Yeah.
17:33I went from 0 to 100 miles an hour.
17:36OK.
17:37It was good, apart from, oh, yeah, gonna get a sausage.
17:41I can't stop singing that.
17:43That's a good song, then.
17:44I'm gonna get a sausage.
17:45If you love it, it sounds like you love it.
17:48Now, you, you monster.
17:50I mean, it's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.
17:53Did you mistake ghost story for goat story?
17:58That's the only explanation.
18:00Cos there were no ghosts in there, were there?
18:02No.
18:03But that was the only scary thing I could think of.
18:06It's just awful.
18:08Was it annoying, though, Greg?
18:10Oh, Christ, yes!
18:12Just checking.
18:13Just checking.
18:14There's only one thing that can make me feel better
18:16and to make me forget that, and it's, oh, gonna get a sausage.
18:19Anything to make me forget her.
18:23You'll never forget me.
18:24Oh.
18:25OK, what's next?
18:27Well, finally, his walls have got paint on.
18:30His name is Matt Bainton.
18:31Here we go.
18:32All these books and I need a shelf, but the handyman is busy.
18:45Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books.
18:51We've all been there, with no one to rely on.
18:52We've all been there, we don't know what to do.
18:56Who can I get to put up my shelf?
18:57Guess I better do it well.
18:58Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books.
19:03We've all been there, with no one to rely on.
19:09We've all been there, we don't know what to do.
19:15Who can I get to put up my shelf?
19:23Guess I better do it myself.
19:27Everybody.
19:28Who can I get to put up my shelf?
19:34Guess I better do it myself.
19:45I think I know all the moments you're going to say.
19:49There was only one where the Irritatometer started to go,
19:53just only on one, and it was just your shrug.
19:55That was the only time.
19:56You're kidding.
19:57Halfway through.
19:58Even when I said everybody.
20:00Everybody.
20:01Oh, I did write everybody, Dad.
20:04I need to mention the everybody again, Greg,
20:06because Matt has been hoisted by the small print before,
20:09and the reprise prompted by everybody meant something happened.
20:14I'm going to show you the reprise again.
20:16Everybody.
20:17Who can I get to put up my shelf?
20:23Guess I better do it myself.
20:27I promise, it's exactly 101 words.
20:36Everybody!
20:39It makes it less annoying.
20:41I mean, can you imagine writing something that enchanting
20:46and losing to Jason?
20:48So what are we going to do?
20:50We can only allow people to get points who stuck to the word count.
20:53Sausage!
20:55You do need to give points out to the other three, though.
20:58Oh, Christ.
20:59Well, this shouldn't be too hard.
21:01That means I have to give him three points.
21:04People won't take me seriously as a judge if I give you...
21:07They don't anyway!
21:09LAUGHTER
21:11For the sake of my credibility, one point.
21:14God damn it.
21:15God damn you for that shit.
21:17This is appalling treatment of a foreigner on your home.
21:23As is the British way.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:30Where are we going with the points from here?
21:31She wasn't annoying until the sausage bit at the end
21:33and I've sort of grown to like the sausage song as well.
21:35Three points.
21:36Well, if she's second, traditionally it's four in second.
21:38All right, I'm changing the system.
21:40I'm giving Jason two points.
21:42Two points to Jason.
21:43Because at least he stuck to the rules,
21:44even though I'm so annoyed with him.
21:46Four points to Stevie and obviously five points to Rosie.
21:50Well done, Rosie Ramsey.
21:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:55Just have a scoreboard, please.
21:56Sure.
21:57Well, Fatia is on pretty much minimum points too.
22:00Rosie, last week's winner, is in the lead with eight points.
22:02Lovely.
22:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:05One more for your taskmaster.
22:07OK, and here is an arty parked car task.
22:10Ooh.
22:11Ooh.
22:12Oh, well, you've won.
22:25Oh, I've won this?
22:26I don't want it.
22:28Please get into the vehicle.
22:29OK.
22:30I haven't passed my driving...
22:32..lessons.
22:33Test.
22:34Oh, I can see it.
22:35There's a twist.
22:36I don't know how to drive.
22:38OK.
22:39But I've got road rage.
22:40It doesn't surprise me.
22:42OK.
22:43Right.
22:44Draw the monster.
22:45You must not turn around or leave the car.
22:49If you fail to honk your horn when you see a lollipop lady,
22:53you must surrender your picture for 30 seconds.
22:58Where's the horn?
23:00And that'll be obvious what a lollipop lady is.
23:03That's not a...
23:04I'm not familiar with the phrase lollipop lady.
23:06What?
23:07What?
23:08Most accurate monster picture wins.
23:10You have five minutes.
23:12Your time...
23:15starts...
23:18now.
23:19I can't see the monster.
23:21You said I'm not allowed to turn around.
23:22Yeah.
23:23Oh, but I can use something else.
23:25Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:29Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:31Not just a pretty face, innit?
23:34I was really worried about Stevie's opening statement.
23:38I haven't passed my driving lessons.
23:41I still haven't.
23:43Where's the horn?
23:44I don't...
23:45Yeah.
23:46Non-drivers are a bit weird, right?
23:48I...
23:49I don't really respect myself,
23:50and I've had a real psychological issue with not passing my test,
23:53so thanks.
23:54Oh!
23:55So you have tried?
23:57Oh, I've done about 150 hours,
23:59and the last lesson I had,
24:00I went through a stop sign and went around the roundabout the wrong way,
24:03and he said...
24:04He said, you cannot do this, why aren't you focusing?
24:07And I was focusing so hard, and then I started crying,
24:09and then he took me to McDonnells.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12APPLAUSE
24:17Uncheek you're Jason.
24:18Yeah.
24:19What did you think a lollipop lady was?
24:21I genuinely had no idea.
24:22I assumed a woman selling lollipops.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25Which I would absolutely believe
24:28is one of the bullshit things that would occur in this country.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:33Let's go.
24:34OK.
24:35So, here are all five drawing a monster
24:37in what I've called a mon-starge.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40So, is the...
24:41Can you tell me about the monster?
24:42Can you tell me anything about it?
24:43I've never seen the monster.
24:45That's not a lollipop.
24:47OK.
24:48Oh!
24:49Oh, a bird isn't a monster.
24:52Erm...
24:54There's more than one!
24:58Is that a monster?
24:59Hold on.
25:00How's your picture?
25:01Those are not monsters.
25:03Oh!
25:04My guess is this is a lollipop lady.
25:06Hello!
25:07Ah!
25:08That's the monster.
25:09That's the monster.
25:10That's the monster.
25:11That's the monster.
25:12That's the monster.
25:13OK.
25:14That is unequivocally a monster.
25:15What did the monster look like?
25:16Listen.
25:17Shut your hole, yeah?
25:18Holy shit.
25:19Why is this person coming here?
25:20Are you away or parked in a no-parking zone?
25:21I'm...
25:22I have no idea.
25:23Well, can I see a driving license?
25:24I'd rather not, thank you.
25:25I don't have one.
25:26Oh, here's...
25:27Here's my wallet.
25:28Brilliant.
25:29That's me.
25:30Is this a recent photograph?
25:31Just about a year ago.
25:32That's helpful, actually.
25:33I am still going to have to issue you a parking lot.
25:34Why, bruv?
25:35Why?
25:36Why?
25:37Why?
25:38Why?
25:39Why?
25:40Why?
25:41Why?
25:42Why?
25:43Why?
25:44Why?
25:45Why?
25:46Why?
25:47Why?
25:48Why?
25:49Why?
25:50Why?
25:51Why?
25:52Why?
25:53Why?
25:54Why?
25:55Why?
25:56Why?
25:57Why?
25:58Why?
25:59Why?
26:00Why?
26:01Why?
26:02Why?
26:03Why?
26:04Why?
26:05Why?
26:06Why?
26:07Why?
26:08Why?
26:09Why?
26:10Why?
26:11Why?
26:12Why?
26:13Why?
26:14Why?
26:15Okay, yeah, just let me oh
26:18I'd love a lift. Come on in. Yeah. Yeah get in buddy
26:22Can I um get a lift? No bruv, get out
26:30It's a lollipop monster
26:33That is a monster. It was ate a lollipop lady
26:37Okay, okay
26:45Are we getting in? Why are we getting in?
26:48Hello everyone
26:53Hi guys, no, did you turn them on? No
27:05Fully enchanting reaction from Jason when he realized he'd seen his first lollipop lady
27:11Excitedly beeping the
27:13Delighted that I could figure it out
27:15Rosie, you didn't see the monster on the driving license. I have woke up in cold sweats
27:20Over this task. Oh, we were the monsters, weren't we? Well, we meant to destroy ourselves Wow
27:35I mean, of course not
27:38It was a monster there
27:40No, what you should be like
27:42Yes, you were the only person who saw the picture of the thing you so you could have just painted you have
27:46Right, yes
27:48Oh, what did you think I meant? But on a deeper level, yes
27:52Yes
27:54It's not a twist
27:56The monster was walking around the car
27:58This is also Taskmaster, they don't do M. Night Shyamalan style twist
28:03Not yet
28:04We've been dead the whole time
28:06I died in the lab on the first task
28:12We've all given stuff away in our wills
28:14Yes
28:16The clues were there from the very start
28:18The very start
28:24Show me some pictures, young man
28:26Okay, well, I'll show you four of them, I won't show you Rosie's yet
28:28This is the first four and the monster
28:30You can see how well they've done
28:32Fatia's monster hasn't got a head
28:34Presumably that was consumed as a family meal
28:38Only one more monster to see
28:41So this is Rosie's picture of the monster
28:48Sorry, did you misread the task?
28:50Was it draw the monster as if the monster had fallen off a building?
28:56I just didn't think that was the monster
28:58And then, two weeks later, I thought I was the monster
29:00Yeah, we know what you thought
29:02He's quite a sassy monster, I'll give you that
29:06Yeah
29:08He's quite showbiz, isn't he?
29:10Yeah
29:12So it is meant to be the most accurate picture of the monster
29:14So here's all five and you can judge them
29:16Are we saying that Rosie's is the least accurate?
29:18Seems fair
29:20So one point to Rosie
29:22Stevie's one looks like it's got, like, five coats on
29:24I would have to agree with that, yeah
29:26One and two points
29:28Yes, so it's one point to Rosie, two to Stevie
29:30Okay, well, my instinct is that
29:32Feel free to disagree with the logic
29:34Mm-hmm
29:36Fatia's monster hasn't got a head
29:38I would probably put her in the third plane
29:40Yes, no, no, no
29:42Listen, you're getting a bit aggressive, okay
29:44You started as a thoughtful, attentive man
29:46And now you're becoming an arsehole
29:48Yeah, well, isn't that
29:50The dreary safari all relationships? Go on
29:54Three points to Fatia, so it's between Jason and Matthews
29:56Jason's has a higher number of arms, but he did get the pink wings, he got the pink and purple hair
30:02But did he get the personality?
30:04LAUGHTER
30:06I think Jason's just tipped it, probably
30:08There we are
30:10Four points to Matthew, five to Jason
30:12APPLAUSE
30:14OK, I'm afraid it's time for some adverts again
30:16Alex's plastic slip-on shoes won't pay for themselves!
30:32Hello! Welcome back, everybody!
30:35Next, please
30:36Yes, it's now time for The Hat in the Lab by Dr Seuss
30:39Here we go
30:53Oh, hello!
30:54Mushrooms
30:55Matthew
30:56What...what are you doing?
30:58Cooking mushrooms
31:00All right, let's do this
31:09What...why have you got that on your head? You look like something out of Mario Brothers
31:13What's going on?
31:14Mushroom hat?
31:15Yes, yes
31:16I like mushrooms
31:17I like mushrooms a lot
31:18Yeah, but the only problem is there's never mushroom for anything else
31:25That's the longest spoon I've ever seen
31:27Yeah, I don't know where to hold it
31:29Er, right at the end, like this
31:30OK
31:31And then just do this
31:32There we go
31:33Shorten these pencils and place your shortened pencils in the pencil case
31:38You have five minutes
31:39Your time started when you mentioned the hat
31:41Oh, oh well, Gordon got me chatting on, shite
31:45You're such a prick, bruv, I'll see you, all right, OK
31:48Yeah, you've only got three minutes
31:50I don't know if I mentioned the hat
31:52Well, I've done it now, haven't I?
31:54You've got five minutes, you've got four minutes
31:56Your time started when you mentioned the goddamn hat
31:58Yeah, you've got three minutes, Joe
32:00Son of a bitch
32:01Oi, that shit stinks, what's going on?
32:04The mushrooms
32:05Right, we have provided pencil sharpeners
32:07Yeah, but that's quicker
32:09Don't look
32:10Ow!
32:11Look at that
32:13Come on!
32:15You know what I've just thought?
32:16You don't have to make them really short
32:19That's the best method, isn't it?
32:21Because that is technically shorter
32:22They're shorter
32:25They are shorter, yeah
32:26Bet no-one else is going to eat the pencil
32:28Ow!
32:29So these are shorter, therefore I have done the task
32:32Yeah
32:33And I've won
32:34You want me to stop the clock?
32:36Yeah
32:37Bye
32:38Oh, not yet, no
32:39Oh, good
32:40Say bye
32:41That one as well
32:42Oh!
32:43Oh, shit
32:44I really don't like you no more
32:46Write down every word you said in this room before opening this task
32:53Also you must write the same number of words in each colour
32:57Otherwise your total will be halved
32:59Most accurate legible words wins
33:03You must not leave the lab
33:05Your time started when you started reading this task
33:07Oh my god
33:09Do you remember what you said to me?
33:10No fucking idea
33:11Right
33:12I mean, in many ways you've been one of the most affable group of people we've had on the show
33:21But the naked aggression that's been shown towards Alex, I so approve of it
33:26A book called A Prick
33:28Early doors during that
33:30Sorry
33:31A son of a bitch
33:32It's just wonderful stuff
33:33Was this the first one we filmed?
33:35Yeah
33:36Ah
33:37Which means that as soon as he walked in, the first time he saw me, he threw a bottle at me
33:40Rosie
33:42On reflection, would you still go with the mushroom gag or?
33:44Never
33:45Never
33:46Never
33:47I was nervous
33:48Just came out
33:49Your face said it all afterwards
33:51On reflection, Stevie
33:53Would you have bitten the ends off the pencils?
33:56I thought we had to make them as short as humanly possible
33:58Which of course you didn't
33:59You were just asked to shorten them
34:01Yes, yes, I misread it
34:03You actually said at one point, didn't you?
34:04I bet no one's going to bite the pencils
34:06Yeah
34:07Quite proudly
34:08The whole world's like, no
34:10Why are you doing that?
34:12Yeah
34:13Commendably, these four knew that wasn't the task, really
34:15Didn't say shortest or fastest
34:17You were quite cleverly not doing what you did
34:20Yeah, it's not been a great episode for me
34:22No, OK
34:23OK, first up, it's Rose Matafeo
34:26Sorry, it's Rosie Mattenfateo
34:28Here we go
34:29Write down every word you said in this room before opening the task
34:33I said mush- I said the joke
34:36The first thing I said was mushrooms
34:40And after that
34:42It's going to go downhill
34:44What did I call you? A prick? OK
34:46Mushrooms, stinky mushrooms
34:49Cooking mushrooms, I think I said
34:51And then
34:53I think I said the joke wrong
34:55Did I say you look nice? Something like that?
34:57I hope so
34:59It doesn't say you have to write with alternate hands
35:03Oh, shit, you have to write them in a different colour
35:07I definitely said more than this, quite a lot
35:13Hmm
35:14Is ha-ha a word?
35:16It's not, is it? Is it a word?
35:18Is it just a saying?
35:20I'm going to take out the ha-has, but then I need to write something else
35:23OK, you've got 20 seconds
35:24Oh, my God
35:25Isn't it?
35:26That's all I've got, bro, isn't it?
35:28Why do you want an essay?
35:30WHISTLE BLOWS
35:32WHISTLE BLOWS
35:33Thank you
35:34APPLAUSE
35:36That second part of the task really shines a light on the old mushroom gag, doesn't it?
35:41Oh, God
35:42I said it completely wrong
35:43I don't think I even know the joke properly
35:45You started adding to it
35:46Like a true professional
35:48Have you? I think you just wrote prick and mushrooms up on that whiteboard, did you?
35:51No, I didn't
35:52I wrote loads of other stuff
35:53And I was the only one that did it correct
35:55Cos you were supposed to write in the red and the blue and I actually did that
35:58Well, the others did also, did also do that
36:00Shut up
36:01OK
36:02You are one of only two who did the same numbers in red as in blue, so yes
36:05Three of these people will have their numbers half
36:07Matthew
36:08Yeah?
36:09You remembered mushroom
36:10I remembered that I'd walked into the room and said mushroom
36:14Mushroom, right
36:15And then you had to guess from that point onwards
36:17And you guessed that the second thing you would say to Alex was
36:20You look nice
36:22So what did Matthew get?
36:24So he only wrote 14 correct words
36:26And we have to half that
36:27Cos he didn't do the same in red and blue
36:28So seven is your total
36:30Rosie?
36:31She wrote down 29 that she had said before
36:33And she did use the correct ones in red and blue
36:35So pretty good
36:36And Fatia, 22 correctly
36:38So far we've got 29, 22 and seven
36:40I mean, it did include
36:41If my hijab smells, you will get punched
36:43But...
36:44APPLAUSE
36:45One part to go
36:49Will someone win and wrestle the final piece of Matt's jigsaw out of his pocket?
36:54Yes, I know
36:55It's hard to care
36:56We'll see you in a minute
36:57APPLAUSE
36:58Hi, hello, welcome back to Taskmaster and the final part of the show
37:14The five were in the lab where first of all they had to sharpen their pencils
37:19Oh, yes
37:20And then they received part two where they had to write down every word they said before they'd open the task
37:25Ideally the same number of words in each colour
37:27Most accurate legible words wins
37:29And also, I was on mushrooms
37:30Last up, it's Steve and Jase
37:34Yes
37:35I have fucked it
37:37It didn't say shortest pencil wins
37:39No, and you did say you can use them still
37:41I can
37:42Every word I said in this room
37:43OK, I'm just going to guess
37:44I probably said the word the, didn't I?
37:46OK, I think I said
37:47Let's
37:49Do
37:50This
37:53Probably
37:57I've lost the pencil
37:59I've lost the pencil
38:01I think I'm just doing that with my nail varnish
38:08Oh
38:09I mean, it doesn't say it's the pencil
38:10It just says two different colours
38:11I've lost the first one
38:12I'm going to use my nail varnish
38:16So then I said
38:18Write down
38:20Every word
38:22You said
38:24In
38:25This
38:26Room
38:29Before
38:30Oh, God damn it
38:33Yeah, you said those after
38:34Said those after, Alex
38:36So I'm fucked
38:37I'm well fucked
38:38Well, you can drop things down, I suppose
38:39I can?
38:40Yeah, you can't leave the room
38:41So you can't get an eraser
38:42Oh, you're going to use the sandpaper
38:45I'm assuming this is what the sandpaper is for
38:47Well, it looks like it
38:48Mushroom
38:49I said butter
38:50Come on
38:52Pencil cake
38:53Shit
38:57How long have I got?
38:5830 seconds
38:59I'm running out of nail varnish
39:031, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
39:051, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
39:08Uh, no
39:0915 seconds
39:10Uh, I said
39:11Uh, spoon
39:12That's a long spoon, isn't it?
39:14Fuck!
39:15It looks like spoggen
39:17It's like
39:20Ow
39:22It hurt quite long
39:26Got it
39:27I mean, I'm not going to lie
39:33I crushed it
39:39This is an incredible destructive streak
39:42From the first task
39:44Yes
39:45Both incredibly destructive
39:46Both ended in absolute carnage
39:49But there's a distinction
39:50This felt willful
39:52And what I wrote down for you, Stevie, was
39:55Does Stevie need to speak to our after-show support teams?
40:00Did either of them get any words?
40:02Yes
40:03Jason did do very well
40:04He did!
40:05He wrote down 34 of the words that he said before
40:06And that was before he started this clever technique
40:08Which wasn't quite right
40:09But he did really well
40:10Unfortunately, he didn't do the same
40:11In each colour
40:12So we have to halve it to 17 words
40:14Stevie, obviously, we feel sad for you
40:16You also didn't do the same in each colour
40:18So your 19 words gets halved
40:19I counted as well
40:21Yeah, you counted wrong
40:23Jesus
40:24So when this starts, Matt gets one point
40:25Stevie, you do get two
40:26Jason, three
40:27Four to Fatih
40:28But five to Rosie Ramsey
40:30Oh my god
40:33Let's see the scores once more
40:35Yes, well, Stevie and Fatih in joint fourth on nine
40:38But incredibly, Jason's in the lead with 15 points
40:41What?!
40:46OK, starting to head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:57What's cooking, baby boy?
40:59Stevie Martin's going to read out the task
41:01Stevie Martin, over to you
41:02Pop a balloon when you hear its colour
41:05Last to pop is eliminated
41:07If you pop early, you're eliminated
41:10Last player standing wins
41:12Greg's going to read a story out
41:14OK
41:15In the story, there will be colours
41:16When you hear a colour, you've got to pop it
41:18The last person to pop is out
41:20Or if you pop early, you're out
41:22It might be a homophone of the colour
41:24He might say the Isle of White
41:26Which is not spelt the same as the colour
41:27But that would count
41:28And how would you know that?
41:31That...sorry, that would count?
41:34That would count
41:35If anyone's worried about the banging of the balloons
41:37We do have this
41:38But it will interfere with the story, I suppose
41:40Can I have the...
41:41Yeah, fair enough
41:42So just get ready and pop your biodegradable balloons
41:45We're ready
41:46It was the morning of the 46th birthday party of little Alex Horne
41:51No-one was excited, but it was a beautiful day
41:54The sky was clear, the sun was bright
41:58And the grass was looking even more neatly mowed than usual
42:02As is tradition, the party was held at his local Chesham Bowling Green
42:09To start the party
42:11BUZZER
42:12BUZZER
42:13BUZZER
42:14BUZZER
42:15BUZZER
42:16BUZZER
42:17Dammit, dammit
42:19Well, a couple of you might be out
42:21Jason's burst two balloons
42:23I was going for green and hit yellow by accident
42:26Did he even say green?
42:28LAUGHTER
42:30I'm out
42:31Yes, you're out
42:32Jason doesn't appear to have many balloons left
42:34BUZZER
42:35BUZZER
42:36BUZZER
42:37I'm going to have to pop these balloons now, OK?
42:39Can I turn around? Let me turn around
42:40Yeah, you turn around
42:41OK, go on then
42:42BUZZER
42:43BUZZER
42:44BUZZER
42:45BUZZER
42:46BUZZER
42:47BUZZER
42:48BUZZER
42:49BUZZER
42:50BUZZER
42:51BUZZER
42:52BUZZER
42:53BUZZER
42:54BUZZER
42:55BUZZER
42:56BUZZER
42:58BUZZER
42:59BUZZER
43:00BUZZER
43:01BUZZER
43:02BUZZER
43:03BUZZER
43:04BUZZER
43:05BUZZER
43:06BUZZER
43:07BUZZER
43:08BUZZER
43:09BUZZER
43:10BUZZER
43:11BUZZER
43:12BUZZER
43:13BUZZER
43:14BUZZER
43:15BUZZER
43:16BUZZER
43:17BUZZER
43:18BUZZER
43:19BUZZER
43:20BUZZER
43:21BUZZER
43:22BUZZER
43:23BUZZER
43:24BUZZER
43:25BUZZER
43:26BUZZER
43:27a bunch of bananas, and his favourite of the citrus family,
43:31a lovely round grapefruit.
43:35Alex heard his phone ring.
43:37Yeah, he answered.
43:39It was his uncle, calling to ask if Alex had opened his small,
43:43inexpensive gift.
43:45The signal wasn't great, so Alex had to yell,
43:48Oh, yes, I did thank you.
43:51LAUGHTER
43:53I love that!
43:55But that's not a word!
43:58That's not a homophone, that's two separate words,
44:01and I did it second, so I win.
44:04LAUGHTER
44:06Sorry, I need this.
44:08I'm a support staff nearby.
44:10LAUGHTER
44:12So the task was, pop the balloon when you hear its colour,
44:15and I guess he did say yellow.
44:17I clearly said yellow.
44:19LAUGHTER
44:21I've accidentally...
44:23Oh, no!
44:24LAUGHTER
44:26APPLAUSE
44:28What is that?
44:30Why?
44:31I mean, ironically, the most irritating thing he's done so far.
44:34LAUGHTER
44:36Everybody!
44:38LAUGHTER
44:40I love it, it's a sickly kind act of altruism or not.
44:44He popped his balloon, and so I guess...
44:46That kindness should be rewarded, and Stevie should get the point.
44:49Oh, there we go, Stevie gets five points!
44:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:55Come down here, and we'll add those to your final scores!
44:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:04And a lot happened in that task.
45:05Batya did a listening task wearing ear defenders,
45:07and still did just as bad as Jason.
45:09LAUGHTER
45:10Who came joint fourth and get two points each.
45:12Yes!
45:13Then, of course, Rosie was in third, gets three points.
45:15Matthew's demanded to come in second.
45:17He gets four, so Stevie gets the five points.
45:19Well done, Stevie.
45:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:22I don't like it.
45:23I know.
45:24Well, I don't like it either, because it means the final league table
45:26looks like this.
45:28We have joint winners now!
45:30Oh, God!
45:31Rosie and...
45:32Jason.
45:33So we both get all the prizes?
45:35No, what we've got, Jason, is a hole punch tie-break.
45:38They had to make as many holes in a sheet of paper as possible,
45:41but could only use the hole punch once.
45:44Most holes wins.
45:45Let's see what happened.
45:47I don't know what I'm doing.
45:52How am I doing on time?
45:5730 seconds.
45:5810 seconds.
45:59Ah!
46:0334.
46:0434 holes.
46:0544.
46:0644 holes.
46:0744 holes.
46:0944 plays 34.
46:11Jason wins the penalty!
46:12Jason and Zuckers win!
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:16US!
46:17US!
46:18US!
46:19US!
46:20US!
46:21US!
46:23Please go and get us through some of the things you've bestowed
46:26in some will!
46:29So, what have we learnt today?
46:32Well, I guess we've learnt that people always try their best
46:35to be nice, to be considerate to others, but sometimes,
46:38when we put humans under extreme pressure, they reveal things
46:42that they don't want anyone to know about themselves.
46:45Maybe we're the monsters!
46:49Half done, half to go, but for now, it's all about Jason Mazzucca!
46:58APPLAUSE
46:59END
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