- 1 week ago
Taskmaster UK Champion of Champions (2025)
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Oh
00:30It's not what I'm doing.
01:00Hello! Hello!
01:12Thank you, welcome, I'm Greg Davis.
01:16Imagine, if you will, a world where the greatest from any era
01:20could be pitted against one another.
01:22Peak Muhammad Ali clashing with the raging youth of Tyson.
01:26Borg trading rally upon rally with Federer.
01:29Simone Biles and Olga Corbett throwing impossible shapes
01:32on the same bars.
01:34Ooh, it's a tantalising prospect, isn't it?
01:37Now, forget all that and let's see some comedians
01:40doing stupid stuff.
01:42Welcome to the Taskmaster, champion of champions!
01:46APPLAUSE
01:48Please welcome back the winners from series 16 to 20,
01:52Andy Zaltzman!
01:54CHEERING
01:56John Robin!
01:58Maisie Anna!
02:01Matthew Baker!
02:03And Sam Campbell!
02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:08And next to me, a man who tells me that,
02:10unlike the vast majority of the United Kingdom,
02:13he found the felling of the sycamore gap tree
02:16absolutely hilarious.
02:18LAUGHTER
02:19It's...
02:21He-he-he!
02:22Little Alex Hart!
02:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:27Hello, Greg, hello everyone.
02:29It's the champion of champions.
02:31It must be a tough, tough prize category, am I right?
02:34Oh, he's always right, although he dresses to the left.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:38And the prize category is the biggest betrayal.
02:42Ooh!
02:43Yes!
02:44The audience were right to ooh, enough respect.
02:46Greg will give five points for the biggest betrayal
02:49in what is probably the only time ever that celebrities
02:52being duplicitous on television are rewarded and celebrated.
02:54LAUGHTER
02:56Right!
02:57Let us begin.
02:58Hello, Andy.
02:59Hello, Greg.
03:00What betrayal have you brought in for this,
03:02most auspicious of occasions?
03:03Well, I brought in the official Taskmaster book.
03:07OK, well, this is the book.
03:08Oh!
03:09So there you go.
03:10Definitive truth.
03:11Definitive truth.
03:12The real story by the real star.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:17But the real betrayal is...
03:19I'm going to have to take you to the index, Greg.
03:21Look at that.
03:22Oh.
03:23Not a single mention, mate.
03:24But this...
03:25LAUGHTER
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28Not...
03:31It hurts big time.
03:32It's a big betrayal.
03:33It's a big betrayal.
03:34It's a big betrayal.
03:35It's a strong opener.
03:36Can you beat that, John,
03:37a book because it doesn't even mention me?
03:39Would it not impress you more
03:41to betray the only person on Earth
03:43you want to be betrayed?
03:45Alex, two months ago you received an email from me.
03:48Here it is.
03:49Sorry to ask,
03:50but my pal is running a charity auction
03:51and he's a big Horn Section fan.
03:53As if...
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56We sought out a few signed posters.
03:58Cheers, mate.
03:59And I think I did provide the posters.
04:00Yes, you did.
04:01So what there was,
04:02was a Horn Section show
04:04in the Aylesbury Waterside Theatre.
04:07Yeah, we're doing quite well.
04:08Yeah.
04:10So I added Alex's signed posters
04:12for the audience to see
04:14as they walked into the show,
04:15but I did annotate them somewhat
04:17with my own messages.
04:19First off,
04:20a career low.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:23Alesbury is a syphilis hotspot.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28Only here to escape our Harrodon wives.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34Exemplary.
04:35APPLAUSE
04:36Exemplary.
04:37Strong.
04:38This is strong.
04:39Who's next?
04:40Maisie.
04:41Well, I've not betrayed either of you.
04:43I have betrayed my fellow competitors.
04:47Ooh.
04:48Oh!
04:49Yes.
04:50So there's a lot of chat forums
04:51where people want to know behind-the-scenes goss
04:54about comedians,
04:56specifically some of you guys.
04:59And the day I came home from winning my series,
05:03I set up a fake account on this chat forum
05:06to contribute scathing rumours about these lovely men.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13All right.
05:14APPLAUSE
05:15So...
05:18Somebody was basically wanting some tea
05:20on the UK comedy scene,
05:21so I came straight in with, well, before a gig,
05:23Andy Zaltzman kept asking if tampons were a myth.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27And then I thought I'd add in, with my good friend Matt Bainton here,
05:31that I also worked with Matt Bainton,
05:32and when I said I liked football,
05:34he made me list the starting 11 of the past five FA Cup winners.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:38Luckily for you, I didn't discuss you on the chat forum.
05:43I discussed you in the very big WhatsApp group
05:46that is for female comedians.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:51Here we go.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:55I mean, I said, first of all,
05:56Sam Campbell referred to me as that lady comic
05:58throughout the entire time of working together.
06:00Oh, my God.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02That's Lou Sanders.
06:03Lou Sanders is my landlord.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07Disappointing but not surprising.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11And John Robbins starts all of his sentences around women
06:14with the phrase,
06:15as one of the few good men left in comedy.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:19Is this Kath...
06:20That's Katherine Ryan, yeah.
06:22Saying gross.
06:24Saying gross.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:26And you didn't tell them it was a wind-up,
06:27you just put the comment?
06:28No.
06:29It's...
06:30LAUGHTER
06:31This is lovely.
06:32Matthew.
06:33Well, I felt the biggest possible betrayal here
06:36would be to betray this show.
06:39Oh.
06:40On a very big public scale,
06:42so this is what I did.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47I wonder if you could possibly have heard that way.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:54LAUGHTER
06:55APPLAUSE
06:56Yeah.
06:57APPLAUSE
06:58That is nice.
07:01And, I would say, expensive?
07:03Yeah.
07:04750 pounds.
07:05Ooh!
07:06LAUGHTER
07:07The scale of it is lovely.
07:09Yeah.
07:10Sam.
07:11Well, yeah.
07:12I think it is a betrayal
07:13that there is only one female comedian
07:14on this entire dais.
07:15Yeah.
07:16So you listen here,
07:17Mr. Alex Horne,
07:19and you listen here,
07:20Mr. Greg Walters...
07:22G... Davis?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:26Because I think it's about time someone taught you
07:29the alphabet.
07:30A to Z.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:37I go on a shopping spree
07:38with Aisling B
07:39and Bridget Christie makes my eyes misty.
07:42Oh, Catherine Boha,
07:43you are just so smart.
07:44Dame Edna
07:45should have been played by a woman.
07:47Oh, the colour make you giddy
07:48like that Emacidi.
07:49Fatia Elgory has best Instagram stories.
07:51You can't hold a candle to our Grace Campbell.
07:54I'm crying in my silence
07:58on female videos.
08:04Harriet Kemsley,
08:05hope you're getting your REM sleep
08:06while joking on putty
08:08from sweet Izzy Sadi.
08:09Put your hands on the air
08:10for Jenny Eclair.
08:11There should be a monument
08:12to Gary Goleman.
08:13Lucy Beaumont,
08:14this is your moment.
08:16Forget Aladdin,
08:17wish to see Meziadam.
08:18Natasha Dimitri,
08:19every TV show should feature you.
08:21Female comedians,
08:22I want you to hold me accountable.
08:23Sketch Cozo Golda,
08:24because I'm Olivia Colman.
08:26Patty Harrison,
08:27there is no comparison.
08:28Queen Latifah,
08:29is in some comedy movies.
08:31Rosie Jones,
08:32I wanna make clothes.
08:33Sarah Millican,
08:34make another from silicon.
08:35Tati McLeod,
08:37is cloning allowed?
08:38Can I get a multi-pack
08:39of a rouge ash rack?
08:41And what about the female comedians
08:42from other planets?
08:43Vorg,
08:44is talking the talk.
08:45She's got a new podcast,
08:46sharing her thoughts.
08:48Watch into Koala,
08:49you're a comedy master.
08:50I like to pick your brains
08:51over a tikka masala.
08:52Sontorial Zork,
08:54I heard your podcast with Vorg.
08:55Man, you guys,
08:56have such a nice talk.
08:57Yip, it's a new.
08:59Your last special is you.
09:00I heard you,
09:01instead of laughing,
09:02you goop.
09:03Zoe Lyons,
09:04broader sky horizons.
09:05I'm breaking my silence.
09:19Okay.
09:20Who are you portraying?
09:24Oh, I brought in a special,
09:29a special glove.
09:31Yeah, this is what Sam
09:32has actually brought in.
09:37Okay.
09:38Okay.
09:39Can I go back to my original question?
09:44Who are you portraying?
09:46No, no, I'm saying that we feel betrayed by you and your nasty little boys club.
09:55And a lot of them have been on Taskmaster.
09:58That is a good point.
10:01Well, here are my scores.
10:03You ready?
10:04Cool.
10:05Sam, one point,
10:06because I don't think you know who you've betrayed.
10:09Andy Zaltzman,
10:10two points,
10:11seems fair.
10:12John, three points.
10:14Matthew Bainton,
10:15four points,
10:16because I like the scale of it.
10:17And who else can I give five points to but Maisie Adam?
10:20Well done, Maisie Adam.
10:21She wins the title!
10:22Yes!
10:26All right, let's let this firmest battle begin!
10:29Oh, yes.
10:30And first up,
10:31it's Verses,
10:32followed by Curses.
10:34Ooh!
10:35Hello.
10:36Hi Maisie.
10:39John Robbins.
10:40Alex Horn.
10:41Ta-da!
10:42There he is.
10:43Come around it.
10:44Hello.
10:45Hi Sam.
10:46How have you been since the victory?
10:47Yeah, good.
10:48I haven't had any acting work.
10:49Would you say that's a coincidence or...?
10:51I've got to ask,
10:52How's your back?
10:53Yeah, good.
10:54I haven't had any acting work.
10:55Would you say that's...
10:57A coincidence, or...?
10:58I've got to ask,
10:59how's your back?
11:00Yeah, good.
11:01Do I know
11:02What's your back?
11:03It looks like the next company?
11:04Yeah...
11:05What's your back?
11:06I'm so happy.
11:07I'm so happy.
11:08And I'm sorry.
11:09Yeah!
11:11And I'm...
11:12a coincidence or I've got to ask how's your back yeah all right okay I did
11:18wrestling I wasn't dressed as a nun when I did that but I landed on me back so
11:22that's happened great I'm a drugged up nun with a guitar essentially right
11:29memorize and perform the most powerful poem about being a champion you must
11:33perform the entirety of your poem sat on the special chair you have 15 minutes to
11:38write and memorize your poem then a maximum of five minutes to perform it
11:41most powerful champion poem performance wins your time starts now
11:48got me that difficult Shakespeare churned him out didn't he there's a whiff of
11:52Shakespeare about you thank you I used to write a lot of poetry back in the day I
11:57would write lots of pretty moving poems about girls who didn't fancy me that
12:01change new lady repellent this is how I'll remember it I think they're called
12:06acrostic poems I'll defo remember it because I've just got to remember what
12:11it is I'm spelling which is gonna be champion okay so now it's just learning
12:16time mm-hmm I need more time I need more time
12:21I see it's not a chair the chair is something you sit on that's the chair
12:39that is not a definition it's a chair it's a special chair it's not a chair
12:44well well well seeing them all come in one by one it really did make me
12:53question my judgments over the series sister bad back and the four trolls
13:00let's have a look first to all right and gyrate yes in those shorts it's
13:06Matthew Bainton I'm gonna swing on this way for obvious reasons
13:12the champion wins a champion defeats the champion destroys a champion never
13:29cheats after the battle after the fight what keeps a champion up at night burden
13:39the champions the champions murder the champions curse when all is done there
13:46can be only one
13:50because it's not just about what it takes to be a champion it's about what it
14:07costs to be a champion and what it costs is your acting career yes despite the
14:13ghoulies it was a strong poet okay one part of our final is done and it's so good
14:18to have our old friends back yes it is in fact I put together a little highlight
14:22reel and I thought we could watch that before the break if you'd like to see it
14:25great oh yeah that's a good idea why don't you just marry them here's some
14:28adverts
14:35hello welcome back to this tremendous tussle of the tusk titans yes and it's nice to see Sam Campbell again too isn't it so
14:47before the break they were performing the most powerful poem about being a champion whilst riding a bucking bronco
14:54now back on the ball we go with Randy Zaltzman
14:59are you wearing a box yes I am
15:05the world where once the penguin feared to tread now bestrode by this titan of taskmerian fate who wields the sacred willow and on his head that helmet showing the world that's
15:22that's
15:27where have we got to
15:29showing the world
15:31it's never too late to grasp from the chasm of eternal gloom a sprig of hope or thus the champion of series 18 who sprang in triumph from human womb proof of the world of each
15:41the world of each other can be seen even in a hero who's over 50
15:44ah
15:45ah
15:46fucking
15:47oh shit
15:48oh shit
15:49oh shit
15:50oh shit
15:51oh shit
15:52oh shit
15:53oh shit
15:54I'm still holding on to it
15:55you're fine you're fine
15:56our victory can be seen even in a hero who's over 50 balding quite out of shape and locked
16:02in Alex Horn's dark and task filled harrowing room
16:07the end
16:08finish?
16:09you're finished mate
16:11thank you for the power Mandy
16:12you're an evil fucking bastard
16:15well it was supposed to be a poet doing a powerful performance
16:25honestly what I've written down is it was a bit like watching an old man fail a medical
16:29well potato potato
16:33you know
16:34who's next?
16:35next up it's the turn of John Robbins to recite his poem whilst having his nipples tossed all over the place
16:40but you can't just need to make one adjustment
16:47there we go
16:49there we go
16:50Pemberton
16:51blessed dweeb of cryptic
16:54Willan and Mohamed
16:56crowd pleasing
16:57thick o diptyc
16:58McNally
17:00pants
17:01woo
17:03Prosecco smile
17:05and Monroe nose
17:06our champion
17:07in Freddy pose
17:09hi
17:14our champion
17:15with record score
17:16robins
17:17they cry
17:18let it rain once more
17:20oh
17:22oh
17:23okay
17:24you got to level one with that one
17:28on that one but on other ones I got to the max didn't I
17:34you were writing about your fellow contestants as well
17:40yes
17:41when you first got on you said you had to make an adjustment
17:43yes
17:44and I wrote down I thought that maybe you were putting part of you inside of you
17:48no I was very much just ensuring that the Robbins lineage of champions can continue
17:58good who's next
18:00it is the time of Sam Campbell and Maisie
18:05oh
18:07what
18:09are you joking
18:10that's the magic chair
18:12it's a special chair
18:13special chair
18:14I've told you I've got a back injury
18:17and you thought yeah Bubba on there
18:20you look like you're gonna give birth
18:22oh
18:24far out
18:25oh my god
18:26life is insane
18:28some people say it's a game of snakes and ladders
18:31champion of champions
18:33how did we get here
18:35ah
18:36so many
18:37blood
18:38sweat
18:39and tears
18:40a ladder
18:41and something happens not nice
18:42many have failed
18:44but not I
18:45pushing through
18:47tusk after tusk
18:48with my eyes
18:49oh
18:50on the price
18:51and the real champions
18:53are nurses
18:54and people who designed hospitals
18:55and people who held troubled teeth
18:57in pursuit
18:58of
18:59Big Daddy Greg's
19:00approval
19:01and of course
19:02Roger Federer
19:03and Carlos Alcaz
19:04oh
19:05oh
19:06I'm here to stay
19:07ain't no removal
19:09and I'm gonna pass over to
19:12Alicorn
19:13everyone's talking about this guy
19:17they're not all playing good to
19:19Blue Horizons beckon
19:21victory again
19:23you reckon
19:24would you like me to stop the magic carpet
19:26yes
19:27and that's the life
19:28of a champion
19:29thank you for your powerful performance
19:33you're a lawsuit waiting to happen
19:35just
19:36so you know
19:37that's honestly one of the saddest things I've ever seen
19:46you look like you're microwaving me
19:49I remember it being quicker and thinking this'll look cool
19:58it
19:59did
20:00not
20:01Sam
20:02the poem was rubbish
20:04yes it's also not the poem he wrote in the room
20:06in the room he wrote
20:07everyone is a champion
20:08Roger Federer
20:09I feel 100%
20:10my life has been amazing
20:11lonely at the top
20:12well I sort of felt the same about Andy and Sam's really
20:25I could only give them two points because of the criteria of the poem
20:28right two points
20:29so I'm gonna give them two points each
20:30to Sam and Andy
20:31that's correct
20:32now I do think
20:33you know you're a physical disadvantage because you had a terrible wrestling injury
20:37but I just don't think we can
20:38no I get what you're saying
20:39you're saying three points and get back in the kitchen
20:41I hear you
20:42and then I think Matt you couldn't hold on long enough to give your poem the audience it
20:48deserved
20:49whereas John held on
20:50he slagged off his fellow contestants
20:53and he did it in a very powerful way
20:55four points and five points and that's it
20:57all right
20:58here we are
20:59five points of your number
21:00there we go
21:01I'd like to see a champion scoreboard please
21:03three of the champions cannot be wrought apart
21:06Matt, Maisie and John all have eight points
21:09oh
21:11also Andy and Sam are there
21:12four and three
21:15then let us see the champions task some more
21:18okay we've had poetic metres and now for two more metres in a race against time
21:24hey Matt
21:41hold Alex
21:46hello
21:47oh
21:48how are you
21:49you look a little bit
21:50stiff
21:51there's your task
21:53right by the start line
21:55oh what have you got in store for me
21:57oh don't do this to me no
21:59oh you're cruel
22:01oh wow
22:04you all right
22:11win the two metre race
22:17first to break the tape
22:19wins
22:20you must start the race after the starters bang
22:23and behind the starting line
22:25if any part of your body moves beyond the starting line
22:28or you break the tape
22:30before the starters bang
22:32you are
22:33disqualified
22:35finally
22:36every time the bike wheel stops spinning
22:39your final time will be doubled
22:41and throughout the task you must big yourself up
22:44like give myself compliments
22:46yeah
22:47and make myself feel nice
22:48you don't want that wheel to stop
22:50i know dude
22:52did anyone understand this task
23:00no
23:01no
23:02it really did cause confusion
23:03yes
23:04it's a two metre sprint
23:05that's all you need to do
23:06shall we start the race
23:07let's start the race
23:08okay first up
23:09it's series 17
23:10versus series 19
23:12that's right
23:13it's Matthew on your marks
23:14Luke and John
23:15what are you doing
23:18taking the bike off so i can ride the bike
23:21do you want a tool
23:22i don't need a tool
23:24i am a tool
23:27so there's no other course
23:29no this is the course
23:30it's a two metre running track
23:31that's it
23:32i'm the best
23:34i've got this
23:35where's the starter
23:37i just don't know
23:38he works independently from me
23:39or she
23:45why is there someone in there
23:47okay
23:50okay
23:51i got eight minutes and 19 seconds before the bang
23:54right
23:55but i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my time
23:57bigging yourself up john
23:58do i need to big myself up any bigger
24:03it's waiting isn't it
24:04yeah but i'm good at waiting
24:06i'm good at waiting
24:11that's now safe
24:12it's secure
24:13six
24:14five
24:15four
24:16three
24:17a specific
24:19you've completed the course after the bang
24:29yeah
24:30don't keep that bit in
24:34well i think both men made the mistake of thinking that this task was cleverer than it is basically you were even looking for another course at one point when you
24:45yeah it was the amount of time
24:47i've thought about it so much since i was sure that i would come here tonight and watch it and find out there was a whole other aspect waiting hiding somewhere
24:55there wasn't
24:56there wasn't
24:57there wasn't
24:58it was just really
24:59there wasn't
25:00you're not going to tell us times now i wouldn't think
25:02let's see some more then
25:03okay two more men now sorry maisie but they're not particularly manly men because it's sam and andy
25:08i think you're better than me
25:11you don't want that wheel
25:13i'm one of the best ever
25:14right
25:16oh he's flying
25:17right
25:19can i move this
25:20you do whatever you want
25:21you've been talking about me behind my back
25:23i'll tell you why you're behind my back
25:24because you are in my shadow
25:26and you are nothing to me
25:27or and
25:28and i'll
25:29yeah
25:30i mean this has been one of the most impressive displays
25:33of moving alex horn on a bicycle
25:35yeah
25:36okay
25:39no
25:40not moving the tape
25:41so you're just going to do that and wait for the bang
25:42yeah
25:43are you familiar with voodoo dolls
25:45you piss me off sometimes
25:47i don't know what's love talking to you
25:50well the tape's gone now
25:51yeah you've got to stay this side of the starters line
25:53the starters line
25:54oh shit
25:57my arm is getting sore dude
25:59hmm
26:00is it
26:01can i just ask
26:02yeah
26:03so i'll
26:04the bang will happen
26:05i spin it
26:06then i run
26:07no the wheels got to spin the whole time
26:08every time you stop it
26:09your final time has doubled
26:12i need to find the starter now
26:18do you think bayton's doing this
26:20oh bayton's just perfect
26:22oh bayton
26:23oh did you see bayton
26:24oh bayton's just great
26:26can you press that
26:27oh i just saw bayton in the play
26:40it was scrumptious
26:41scrumptious
26:42okay thank you
26:54okay
26:55thank you
26:56thank you
26:58i think you went off to have sex with an effigy of answers
27:02i think you went off to have sex with an effigy of answers
27:05i did not we just watched the cricket together
27:09sam you spent a lot of the time sarcastically reviewing matthew bayton's
27:13yeah
27:14yeah
27:15um
27:16i think that's like jealousy
27:17and um
27:18grin doesn't look good on me and i apologize and it's just yeah jealousy
27:22honestly think you're the thinking woman's crumpet
27:24and
27:25seriously
27:27seriously
27:28yeah
27:29we're halfway through this champion of champions showdown and already it's incredibly absolutely
27:35incredible that any of them ever won a series
27:38and now alex is going to do an impression of one of the beatles
27:43hello
27:44ringo
27:45yes it was ringo
27:46here's to my man
27:47hello
27:56welcome back to the third part of this riveting competition
28:01there is one race left her body might not have been match fit but what about her brain
28:06let's find out it is maizey adams
28:08oh
28:12we'll just move this closer won't we
28:14do you need a hand because of your terrible back injuries
28:16yeah
28:17come on
28:18that's it that's it
28:19here
28:20no keep going
28:21right just bob it there
28:22bob it here
28:23yeah
28:24maybe i could tie something to it and then the moment i hear the bang break it
28:32uh-huh
28:33could you go and get me some string string string string
28:37great well done
28:39i'm looking at the starter now
28:46no the starter's not one of these people
28:48are you the starter
28:52are you the starter
28:53yeah
28:54do you
28:55do i do
28:56are you
28:57sorry
28:59i just grabbed the button
29:03i just grabbed the button
29:04oh you've got the button
29:07yeah
29:08right
29:09three two one
29:12you've broken the finish line after the bang very fast
29:18see you
29:19very fast
29:20see you
29:21thanks lady
29:22well you broke the tape
29:27have i done well
29:29i think you've done really well
29:31fuck off
29:33surely she can't be beaten let's find out
29:36well we can see all five running at the same time
29:39yes please
29:40it's time for this year's two metre race
29:43three two one
29:46what's that sam has been like you're not spinning the wheel presumably
30:05yes sam your wheels stopped 21 times
30:11so we have to double 6.11 seconds 21 times
30:1421 times which works out as
30:18213,500 minutes
30:20Which is 21 weeks
30:27Yeah, I'm so honestly put that on my gravestone
30:33In top-level athletics if you go within 0.1 second of the gun going off
30:39It's considered to be a full start because that's beyond the scope of human
30:44I think she's got a point
30:46So Greg are you happy with all the performances?
30:48I'm happy with all the performances
30:50And nothing Zaltzman can say can change my mind on that
30:52In which case Sam gets one point, Andy two, John three, Matt four, but Maisie Allen get five points
31:01Okay
31:03Lovely, do we have one more tough task for our champs to tackle?
31:06Oh, yes we do and just like you Greg it's bold, it's big and it's really very simple
31:14Oh
31:26Oh wow
31:28Hello Sam
31:29Oooh
31:30Who's that?
31:31It is I, Matthew Bainton
31:34What the, what's going on in here?
31:36Hello Maisie
31:37Hello
31:38Hello
31:39Hello
31:40Okay
31:44Oh that is good
31:46Oh right on
31:54Be brilliant for a minute
31:56Most brilliant minute wins
31:58You have a total of 20 minutes
32:00You have a total of 20 minutes
32:01Your time
32:03Starts now
32:04I mean it just would be tiresome if I got a guitar out again, wouldn't it?
32:08What if it's all of history in the minute?
32:12Oh yeah
32:13We've got primordial, obviously cave people, bronze age
32:16Huns, Attila the Hun
32:18Yes, Attila the Hun, this is good
32:20I've got an idea
32:22Oh
32:23I want to play a game
32:24I mean they say stick to what you know, but mostly what I know is cricket stats
32:29Yeah, I'm gonna go and have a think
32:31Oh right, okay
32:32Don't look at him
32:37It's just too much
32:40I think I'm just gonna do Attila the Hun
32:42Delightful Attila the Hun
32:43Delightful Attila the Hun
32:44Yeah
32:51However brilliant what we're about to see is
32:53For me, nothing's gonna be as brilliant as Matthew blinding himself and then smashing into small
32:58Okay
33:00Well, two brilliant champions first of all, Andy and Maisie
33:12Andy?
33:24I'm down here
33:26Maisie?
33:28Maisie?
33:30Maisie?
33:35One thousand and eighteen
33:37Nice
33:42Maisie?
33:43Maisie?
33:53Maisie?
33:54Maisie?
33:57Maisie?
34:00You've got three seconds
34:06Right
34:07There we go.
34:09Ah.
34:10None in a bush.
34:11None in a bush.
34:12You were in there.
34:13Yep, being brilliant at hiding.
34:16OK, thanks, Major.
34:25This is a bit of wordplay by you, isn't it?
34:27Minute.
34:28Well, you just never know on this show what the hidden meanings are.
34:31Yeah.
34:32Most brilliant minute or most brilliant minute witness.
34:35Oh, wow.
34:36It's clever.
34:37I love that little Andy, by the way.
34:39I love little Andy as well.
34:41He did lots of brilliant things.
34:44Maisie, how did you think it went?
34:45LAUGHTER
34:50Genuinely, on the day, I thought, smash this.
34:53Yeah.
34:54I mean, I couldn't find her.
34:55I didn't know what she was doing.
34:56She left and I couldn't find her.
34:57And isn't that brilliant?
34:59You'd think you'd spotted none in a bush.
35:02No, she's fully inside the bush.
35:04I mean, there could be one.
35:05LAUGHTER
35:09Family show, Greg.
35:12She was fully inside the bush.
35:15OK, who's next?
35:16Now for a man who could do with some even more brilliant pants,
35:19it's Matt Bainton.
35:20WHISTLE BLOWS
35:21WHISTLE BLOWS
35:22WHISTLE BLOWS
35:23WISTLE BLOWS
35:39LAUGHTER
35:42WISTLE BLOWS
36:16I'm driving brilliant.
36:18The sun is the most brilliant thing in our solar system.
36:22It is.
36:2435.7 octillion lumens.
36:26The projector at IMAX is only 4,000, so that's great.
36:30There wasn't the facts about the sun.
36:33No, there was the sun.
36:35You adapted your face to look like something, which is also what I did.
36:39And that was critically panned.
36:42But I didn't realise it's critically panned.
36:46Matthew, I thought it was powerful.
36:48Oh, you would.
36:51There is just one part left for our champions.
36:53Who will win and take my headless body and attach my head to it,
36:57which they already own, and then what will they do with me?
37:01Why?
37:02Oh!
37:03APPLAUSE
37:13Welcome back.
37:14Here we are then.
37:15Mere moments from a former champion rising head and shoulders above the rest
37:19to become the ultra-champ.
37:21But first, let's finish this brilliant task.
37:24We simply must.
37:25And it's time for the final two guys to be brilliant for a minute.
37:28It's Sam and John.
37:30Welcome to the 60-second game show, where the crew of Taskmaster are going to compete
37:40to get money to their chosen charities.
37:42We've got a minute on the clock.
37:43Alex is going to blow his whistle.
37:45Our crew are going to shout out their charities and throw the ducks into the buckets,
37:49which have... didn't... didn't see that, didn't agree to that, and that's fine.
37:54Alex, are you ready to be brilliant for a minute?
37:56Yes, please.
37:57OK, let's do some bloody good.
37:59And we're off.
38:00The Hospice of St. Francis.
38:02Oh, well, that went in the hundreds.
38:04Did it?
38:05Yeah, it did.
38:06Markinsons.
38:07Markinsons, that was in.
38:08And, as we know, they come out, that counts.
38:11Great warm in the streets.
38:13Shelter UK.
38:15Mind mental health?
38:17Well, that was basically it.
38:19Let's get a coffee, please.
38:25Welcome to Attila's, the cafe where we think Attila the Han is just so much fun.
38:31We love Attila the Han!
38:33Kids Against Hunger.
38:35Dream's late.
38:36Or two.
38:37And you helped that one in, and I'm glad.
38:39There you go.
38:40You.
38:41That'll be 3.50.
38:42All right.
38:43Card?
38:44Card's great.
38:45Great Ormond Street.
38:46Lovely.
38:47Two seconds left.
38:48And that's counting.
38:49It's nice if someone goes for one of these little red ones.
38:51Not bad.
38:52Lovely.
38:53And that's going in...
38:54150.
38:55And that's 150.
38:56Very generous, John.
38:57Thanks.
38:59It's close to a grand.
39:00It's close to a grand.
39:02And...
39:03Charity matters.
39:05Thanks, John.
39:06There you go.
39:07Thank you so much.
39:08Great, thank you.
39:09Actually, I'm so sorry, but I don't want a receipt.
39:17100.
39:18It's close to a Fields.
39:19Welcome to Attila's!
39:20Welcome to Attila's!
39:21Welcome to Attila's!
39:22The cafe where we think Attila Vahum!
39:25It's just so much fun!
39:26It's just so much fun!
39:27It's just so much fun!
39:28It's just so much fun!
39:30We have to support local businesses and local, like, cafes.
39:46I'm sick of the chains.
39:55I think it's brilliant that you raised that money, I do.
39:58I don't think the game show is brilliant.
40:01OK, sorry I raised so much money for charity.
40:04What was the name of the game show?
40:06The 60 Second Game Show.
40:08I just think why go with that title when you had
40:10chuck it, duck it, book it right there?
40:13Can I just say, I can't stop thinking about little Andy.
40:16I want to see him having, like, a regular-sized meal.
40:19Like, imagine, like, the pizza that we would have,
40:21but it's little Andy having that and, like, where does he live
40:24and what does he get up to?
40:25All I'm saying is I'm pretty much addicted to little Andy.
40:27Yeah.
40:29Right.
40:30The Till of the Hunut was a fairly awful, murderous...
40:33The Scourge of God was his nickname.
40:35Yeah.
40:36Ah, I thought this might come up.
40:38LAUGHTER
40:39I think he used to, like, boil his enemies alive.
40:45I think you've got to separate the barista from the boiling.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:49OK, bloody.
40:52Obviously, mate, you know.
40:54I mean, I enjoyed seeing her painted face green and hide in a bush,
40:57dressed as a nun, but it wasn't brilliant, one point.
40:59OK.
41:00I think it's brilliant that John raised money for charity.
41:02Right.
41:03But I thought his game show was terrible.
41:05I'm giving him two points.
41:07Two points to John, OK.
41:08I'm going to give Andy three points.
41:09OK.
41:10Matthew, I'm going to give four points.
41:12And I don't know why I'm doing it.
41:14I'm giving Sam Campbell five points.
41:16There we go.
41:17Well done, Sam Campbell, five points.
41:19APPLAUSE
41:20All right, here we go then.
41:21Please head to the stage for your final, final task!
41:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:34Hello, baby boy.
41:36LAUGHTER
41:37Hello.
41:38Who will be reading the task?
41:40Series 18's champion...
41:42Zaltzman.
41:43Zaltzman.
41:44Andy.
41:45Using only tape to turn yourself into a famous person
41:49from the previous millennium,
41:51who you'd like to see on Taskmaster.
41:54Best all-round new Taskmaster contestant wins.
41:58You have three minutes.
42:00Three minutes?
42:01Yes.
42:02Whoo!
42:03That's going to be riveting television.
42:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:05Ready, Greg?
42:06Ready!
42:07They're off.
42:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:11I find them making a decision that quickly quite disturbing.
42:17Alex?
42:18Yes, John?
42:19The tape doesn't stick on your face.
42:21Yes, it does.
42:23LAUGHTER
42:29I hesitate to ask, but how are you doing, Sam?
42:31Very well, thank you.
42:32It's anyone's game.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:36You'll be happy to know Green is not enrolled.
42:40LAUGHTER
42:43Oh, shit.
42:44And there we go.
42:45APPLAUSE
42:52Contestants, please stand on your spots.
43:04Oh, my God.
43:10I can only presume Andy has become the son?
43:11No, no.
43:12Joan of Arc.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14Why do you think that Joan of Arc would be good on Taskmaster,
43:15I suppose, is the question?
43:16Well, she heard voices in her head.
43:19And that's very much like what doing this show is like.
43:20Yeah.
43:21And, of course, if Taskmaster was set during the time of Joan,
43:22we would perhaps burn people.
43:23LAUGHTER
43:24We can't rule it out.
43:25I may as well say it, because if anyone's feeling uncomfortable with that idea,
43:27strap yourself in for John.
43:28LAUGHTER
43:29LAUGHTER
43:30LAUGHTER
43:31LAUGHTER
43:32LAUGHTER
43:33So, next to Joan of Arc, who do we have, Greg?
43:34It's the Führer, I presume.
43:35Yeah.
43:36So, next to Joan of Arc, who do we have, Greg?
43:37It's the Führer, I presume.
43:38And then she heard voices in her head and that's very much like what doing this show is like.
43:41Yeah.
43:42And, of course, if Taskmaster was set during the time of Joan, we would perhaps burn people.
43:46LAUGHTER
43:47We can't rule it out.
43:48I may as well say it, because if anyone's feeling uncomfortable with that idea,
43:52strap yourself in for John.
43:59So, next to Joan of Arc, who do we have, Greg?
44:02It's the Führer, I presume.
44:04Charlie Chaplin.
44:06Oh, thank you for that.
44:08APPLAUSE
44:09It's a great booking.
44:13What a relief. Yes.
44:14And why do you think Chaplin would be good on Taskmaster Chance?
44:17Well, one of the great physical comedians of the last millennium,
44:22who I'd like to hear talk a bit more than I did.
44:27So, our middle contestant, and who do we have?
44:29Well, I'll tell you who we've got. We've got David Bowie, surely.
44:38And why do you think the slim white duke would have been a good contestant?
44:42Well, from what I've seen, white men really do get booked.
44:46LAUGHTER
44:51Next to Bowie, Greg.
44:53Now, who is this?
44:55Is it Liza Minnelli?
44:56No.
44:57Oh.
44:58This is Dawn French.
45:00Oh.
45:05Can I say for the record, we agree that Dawn, you'd be great on Taskmaster.
45:08Maybe after she sees this...
45:10Oh, yeah, she'll look at this and go, that's a show that respects me.
45:13LAUGHTER
45:17And finally, at the end of the line...
45:20Are you a person?
45:22Yes, technically, yes.
45:23I feel it might be a Power Ranger.
45:25No.
45:26Are you from a movie, Sam?
45:27Yeah.
45:28Are you a Smurf?
45:29No.
45:30Is it Avatar?
45:31Yeah.
45:32You're a character from Avatar.
45:33Jake Sully.
45:34Jake Sully.
45:35Yeah.
45:36Greg, there is a technicality. Avatar is set in 2154 and it was made in the early 2000s.
45:40It was definitely this millennium, not the last millennium.
45:42So...
45:43I'm a Smurf!
45:44No, what?
45:45LAUGHTER
45:50OK, so, we have no choice, unfortunately.
45:53One point to Sam Campbell.
45:55I'm giving Andy Zaltzman two points.
45:57OK.
45:58I think I'm going to put Dawn French above Chaplin on this occasion.
46:01And I recognised the great songwriter immediately.
46:05It's five points to Maisie Anne.
46:07There we go, five points.
46:08Thank you, Barry.
46:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:11Please come down.
46:12We'll have that to your final score!
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:21This has truly been a tale of Maisie and men,
46:24but now four of them must walk away with their golden tails
46:28between their golden legs, whereas one will walk out of here
46:32waving their tail around like a flippin' lunatic.
46:35So, let's ask the man with the calculator.
46:38Oh, Mr. Calculator.
46:40LAUGHTER
46:41Who has come out on top?
46:43Very close.
46:44Very close.
46:45The champion of champions.
46:47One point in it at the end.
46:49Ooh!
46:50The winner with 20 points,
46:52it's Matt Bainton!
46:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:54Matt Bainton is the new champion of champions.
47:00Please pop off your Taskmaster trophy!
47:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:05LAUGHTER
47:07REAGAN
47:11MUSIC
47:15MUSIC
Be the first to comment