- 7 months ago
Original Broadcast Date: March 19th 2014
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TVTranscript
00:00Right, OK, listen up. We are tasked with stealing these art treasures back from the Sydney Biennale.
00:11But they're guarded by Transfield Guards and these guys are good.
00:14They're good? I thought we were the good guys.
00:16No, we are the good guys. They just mean they're good as in they're good guards.
00:19I don't think they're very good guards. I mean, did you see the mobile phone footage of Manus Island?
00:23Well, no, no, they're good as in they're very professional.
00:25They're not professional to me.
00:27Shut up!
00:29Now, Veronica here, she is going to authenticate the pieces, yeah?
00:31Yes, I will use my expertise to tell the real ones from the fake ones.
00:35Fake like your accent.
00:37Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
00:41You're better in The Descendants.
00:45It's not this one, it's not this one.
00:47No.
00:55I don't get it.
00:57Well, you're not supposed to get it, it's the Biennale.
00:59No, I mean, I don't get it as a sketch.
01:01Yeah, where's the f***ing punchline?
01:03There is no f***ing punchline.
01:05It's supposed to link directly into the opening titles.
01:07Not at all.
01:11No.
01:13No.
01:15No.
01:19No.
01:21Well, well, it's official.
01:44Crimea has exercised its democratic rights to become part of a totalitarian state.
01:48See, the system works.
01:52And Kevin Rudd was there to lead the dancing in the streets of Kiev.
01:55Well, I assume that was him.
02:00And congratulations also to North Korea as well.
02:03The Kim family were voted back in.
02:05And there was dancing in the streets of Pyongyang.
02:07Though mainly it must be said by these guys.
02:18Yeah, that's the trouble with being cut off from the rest of the world. Gangnam Style was so two years ago.
02:23And the thing is, at least those results were decisive.
02:26You see, you don't have to worry about postal votes or recounts or, in North Korea's case, even counting the votes in the first place.
02:32No, the thing that made me mad as hell are namby-pamby state elections.
02:38Although, congratulations first up, I should say, I suppose, to either Steve Marshall or Jay Weatherill, South Australia's new Liberal or old Labor Premier.
02:46Could go either way when we recorded this.
02:48If there is a clear winner by the time we go to air, it's on your screens now.
02:53Anyway, of the two, I think Liberal contender Steve Marshall had the more interesting campaign strategy.
03:00If people in South Australia want change, they want a better future, they want to grow our economy, then they need to vote Labor tomorrow.
03:10Yes, the reverse psychology card is a surprising one for the Libs to play, isn't it, Clancy Lanyard?
03:15Well, urging voters to vote for an opposing party, particularly one that's been in power for 12 years, may seem like a risky tactic, Sean.
03:23But people have got to remember that Steve Marshall did back it up with inexperience, generally being unavailable to the press, and most importantly, being someone other than Jay Weatherill.
03:36South Australia's not a swinging state, is it?
03:38Oh, I don't know about that.
03:42Oh, I see what you mean.
03:43No, in fact, the swing was a 0.5% swing to the Libs and a 0.5% swing away from the labs.
03:52All right.
03:53Any lessons there for Federal Labor?
03:56I think if Bill Shorten's serious about the next election, what he needs to do is to do everything he can to make Labor look like they haven't got a chance and that the Libs are the only viable option.
04:07So pretty much business as usual.
04:09Thanks very much, Clancy.
04:10Now, a lot of people thought Holden's closure had a lot to do with the result in South Australia, but it really shouldn't have. The announced 2016 closure doesn't mean an end to a hundred-odd-year relationship with the Australian icon, according to their own current Here to Stay TV campaign.
04:24Because we're here to stay.
04:30Yes, Holden is here to stay, much in the same way that Ansett and Planking are here to stay.
04:33But they do go on in the ad to make a very generous offer.
04:39While in the future we'll no longer make cars in Australia, we'll always be committed to making the best cars for Australia.
04:46OK, so while they won't be making cars here, they've softened the blow by promising us that they'll still be selling their overseas-made product to us.
04:54And if I know anything about Australians, our appreciation of that gesture will be well and truly reflected in Holden's future sales figures.
05:00And finally, just on one other point regarding the ad, this bit.
05:05We're here.
05:06And we're here.
05:07We're here.
05:08Here.
05:09And here.
05:11And here.
05:12We're here.
05:13We're here.
05:15Here.
05:16We're here.
05:17And here.
05:18Now, that's all well and good, but where are Holden factory workers?
05:22We're here.
05:23We're here.
05:25Here.
05:27We're here.
05:29And here.
05:31Yes, thanks, just wondering.
05:33Congratulations also to new Premier Will Hodgman in Tasmania and commiserations, of course, to Labour's Lara Giddings.
05:40And to a much lesser extent, Palmer United's candidates Kevin Morgan and Mark Groir.
05:45Now, I swear to God this is a real picture and Mark Groir was a real candidate.
05:57Kevin Morgan was real too, but in retrospect, perhaps too soft and politically correct for Tasmania.
06:03Here he is mounting an argument against the re-election of Lara Giddings, while rather obviously trying to win over the women's vote.
06:08It pays more attention to a hare than the needs of the Tasmanian people.
06:15In Lara's defence though, Sean, I think they do operate under the hare clerk system there.
06:22How did Palmer United do, Clancy?
06:25Look, not so bad.
06:27In the seat of Denison, where they polled 1,964 votes, just pipped by the informal vote.
06:34Oh, right.
06:35Good result for the informal vote though, given they would have spent nothing on their campaign.
06:40And if the Palmer United Party can stitch up a preference deal with the informal vote,
06:45then my prediction is a Palmer informal coalition could well overtake the Greens at the next election.
06:51Really?
06:53I think Clive Palmer's party and people who are unable to fill out a form are a pretty natural fit.
06:57Thanks, Clancy.
06:58Thanks, Clancy.
07:02But the Palmer United Party was doomed in this weekend's election from the start.
07:07A fact that Clive himself seemed to sense on the campaign trail.
07:09I have a DVD.
07:10That would be excellent.
07:12That's got me on the Titanic.
07:14Actually, Clive not only lost the election but could even lose his own seat in the Federal
07:21Lower House following suggestions that PUP's election material breached Tasmania's election
07:26rules by running a...
07:27newspaper ad, which features photos of Lara Giddings, Will Hodgman and Nick McKim.
07:32Under Tasmanian law, it's a criminal offence to name other parties' candidates in print without their consent.
07:39Of course, there's no law against naming your own candidate in print,
07:43even if you don't know how to spell it properly.
07:45But for Clive Palmer, getting inconsequential things wrong like the name of his candidate
07:51or even the name of the body of water between Tasmania and the mainland
07:56doesn't get in the way of doing the important business of politicianing.
08:00Unless I'm being very unfair.
08:01Unless when he says bass straight, he's talking about his sexual orientation of fish policy.
08:06Anyway, the point is that Clive didn't think his spelling was a big picture issue.
08:10Look, it's a letter by me as a member of the House of Representatives to Australian people.
08:13House of Representative?
08:16Perhaps I misheard.
08:18Because nobody is going to stop me as a member of the House of Representatives
08:23having a dialogue with the Australian people.
08:26It does seem a bit excessive, doesn't it? A whole entire house for one representative?
08:31But Clive's point, assuming he has one, is that breaking the law doesn't faze him,
08:36even if it means him going to the big house.
08:38I'm happy to go to jail for that.
08:40I'm happy to be like Gandhi and fight for the freedom of Tasmanians.
08:52Now, my grasp of the history of Tasmania is not great,
08:57but I'll assume that Clive knows what he's talking about.
08:58That Gandhi, at some point in his life, perhaps he got lost on his salt walk,
09:04came to Tasmania and fought, as he did on so many occasions,
09:08for the rights of the oppressed, presumably in Bernie.
09:10But how much like Mahatma Gandhi is Clive Palmer really?
09:14Let's have a comparison.
09:16Both are known for employing a policy of non-cooperation with the ruling government.
09:21Both lived modestly.
09:22Both lived modestly.
09:25Ate simple vegetarian food.
09:32And both set out to build replicas of the Titanic.
09:35Well, I guess he's right.
09:37But for the glasses, I'd be hard-pressed to tell him of a pod.
09:40Peas in a pod, really.
09:41But irrespective of the results in the state elections,
09:44the federal government is getting on with the job of nation rebuilding
09:47after the previous tenants of Parliament House, typical Labor,
09:50ran down the place and forfeited their bond.
09:53Last week, next to the then South Australian opposition leader,
09:57they announced they'd be stumping up for a fleet of unmanned drones
10:00to operate out of an RAAF base north of Adelaide.
10:03There's a shot there of a couple of Air Force officers with a drone.
10:07And these new surveillance aircraft can fly for 30 hours,
10:11covering up to 15,000 kilometres with no-one on board.
10:14It's the Qantas business model, really, isn't it?
10:17And, you know, that's the hypocrisy of it, in my view.
10:21The government's got no money for Qantas,
10:23but they've got plenty for a fleet that actually sets out to carry no passengers at all.
10:26You know, I don't think they understand the connection that we have with an airline like Qantas.
10:31How are we expected to feel any patriotic warmth towards a fleet of unmanned, unarmed drones?
10:34No chance of any brand loyalty, and I can't imagine they'd have a frequent flyer program.
10:40Worst of all, I'm guessing there's no drone choir to stir the passions like Qantas has.
10:46A drone choir would be no-one performing John Cage's 4 minutes 33 of silence.
10:52Here's a preview.
10:53Well, I can't play the whole thing because of the royalties.
11:08And the other thing I can't get my head around is the idea of a flight leaving Adelaide without anyone on it.
11:14Doesn't make any sense to me.
11:15But how do we pay for all this?
11:18Earlier this week, former Treasury Secretary Dr Ken Henry called for major tax reform to underpin the fiscal sustainability of fragile and highly volatile tax bases at both state and federal level.
11:29I know, I know, I know. It's dry stuff.
11:32A dryness he didn't shy away from during his interview on former 7.30 report, 7.30.
11:36But I think what Ken is trying to say in between that disturbing noise is that he thinks the GST needs to rise to 12% to cover the government's spending commitments.
11:59But how? To solve that mystery is our own financi-drew, Jennifer Stolls.
12:06Thanks, Sean.
12:07Well, all you ever need to know about the GST is on the Taxpayers Incorporated website, which for some strange reason is not accessible by Apple computers.
12:15Anyway, you log on right and it's all laid out for you.
12:19Wow, look at that. Well, you wouldn't think they'd be able to make a tax site so user-friendly, would you?
12:23I know, totally. It's like you're actually there at the ATO.
12:25Is the Members Only section at the top there, is that worth a look?
12:30Uh, I'm not sure. Hang on, I'll just access it using Matthias Corman's password.
12:40Oh, it's the Tax Commissioner Chris Jordan.
12:43I feel really uncomfortable looking at that image, Sean.
12:45Yeah, yeah, yeah. You better log off and delete history.
12:52Anyway, basically the trouble is that Tony Abbott's trying to fund a cray insane amount of shizzle.
12:56I mean, look at the $5.5 billion he needs for that paid parental leave whatever.
13:01Now, given it just got bought in to deal with the pre-election perception he was anti-women,
13:05surely we can save all that money if Mr Abbott just drops the scheme and goes back to being a misogynist.
13:11Plus, the whole system is open to rotting.
13:15Pregnant women, money, f***ed airline, nothing.
13:19Struggling companies might see it as the only way to get a bailout.
13:22Well, to the opposite side of the coin now, if they had one, and Australians living on welfare must have got the shock of their lives
13:31when they opened up their latest edition of the Australian Resources and Investment Journal
13:35to find that Gina Reinhart was giving them a right old pasting.
13:39Welfare recipients, she said, were dragging Australia further into debt.
13:43Personally, I would have thought those on aged disability pensions should be congratulated for being able to drag anything anywhere.
13:48Let alone have the energy to organise all those low docked loans and dodgy securities that led to the global financial crisis.
13:55Mind you, it's not the first time that Ms Reinhart's told the poor about this.
13:58In a 2012 edition of the same magazine, she wrote,
14:00If you're jealous of those with more money, don't just sit there and complain, do something to make more money yourself.
14:07Spend less time drinking or smoking and socialising and more time working.
14:11Well, fair enough, exactly. Why not inherit a million dollar mining company or something and use that to build on?
14:18And to give Ms Reinhart her due, being jealous of someone with more money is not something you'd ever accuse her of.
14:24And she's urged Australia's leaders to be more like Margaret Thatcher. Not dead, but rather saying,
14:32What Thatcher did for Britain, our own leaders should do for us. Cut spending, cut waste, cut the shackles and back hard work.
14:40Shackles? Removing shackles? Where have I since heard that idea?
14:44We are more than happy to take the shackles off Qantas.
14:50Yeah, I don't know. It'll come to me at some point.
14:53Anyway, Ms Reinhart wants our Prime Minister to do all the things that Mrs Thatcher did.
14:57Apart from closing down the mines, obviously.
15:00But the trouble with this government is that they don't listen to multi-billionaires like Ms Reinhart.
15:05They are, even as we speak, considering a new universal welfare payment.
15:09Now, before you go off half-cocked about how we can't even afford welfare payments to Australia, let alone the rest of the universe,
15:16allow me to fully cock you. That's not what they mean.
15:19What they're talking about is merging the disability pension with the unemployment benefit into one easy-to-be-accused of rorting payment.
15:26What did concern me, though, was this from Social Services Minister Kevin Andrews.
15:32The government believes that the best form of welfare is work.
15:35Now, that's alarming news for aged pensioners.
15:40Especially if they've never worked down a mine before.
15:44Oh, actually, come back here.
15:46Still to come!
15:48Irony as death of Tasmanian forests is expressed by wooden coffin.
15:53And outlawed bikey gangs try and get around legislation.
15:57Australian stories just the way we make them, by committee.
16:07It's all over, Maureen.
16:10Our marriage or the business, Charlie?
16:12Our marriage or the business?
16:14Hey, Chief, you're not going to believe the scoop I just got.
16:17Apparently there's a deceased estate selling an old lady's bed.
16:19It's not to hell with your old lady's bed.
16:24What's wrong with the boss?
16:26Where disappointment and anger pass for drama.
16:30It's not your fault, was it love? He's just got a lot on his mind.
16:34And people die because other actors can react to it.
16:37A tumour.
16:40A television event you won't want to miss watching on iview.
16:47And starring Claudia Carvin as Rupert Murdoch.
16:51If you go hard on the ABC's free online news content
16:56as being a threat to our subscription-based services,
16:59then we'll give you a free run when it comes to your pitiless right-wing agenda.
17:03Paper Giants, The Trading Post.
17:06Okay.
17:08All the best for Margie.
17:10Coming soon to ABC 5.
17:14Me looking at a monitor.
17:17Well, there's no doubt Australians will always love John Howard.
17:25Sorry, sorry.
17:26There's no doubt the Australian will always love John Howard.
17:34Published exclusively in The Australian, a poll by so-called Essential Research
17:39revealed John Howard, this country's finest Prime Minister of the last four decades,
17:44according to almost 40% of those polled.
17:46Bob Hawke was rated next best at a measly 40% of no doubt typical Labour voters,
17:51with Gough Whitlam and Kevin Rudd both coming fourth with 8%.
17:54So well done, Mr Howard.
17:57What was really interesting, though, was where Tony Abbott ran.
18:01Impressively, after only six months in the job,
18:04he's considered Australia's greatest Prime Minister of the last 40 years by 3% of voters.
18:08Although one should bear in mind that polls like this usually allow for a 3% margin of error.
18:13So that's about right.
18:15But it's not what we think of him that matters, it's what people overseas think of him.
18:18And last week, Mr Abbott did something that makes every Australian's heart swirl with pride.
18:23He was mentioned on American television.
18:26Well, I'd throw out a couple of individuals.
18:29A guy named Tony Abbott, who is a hard liner, who is now the Prime Minister of Australia.
18:35And Tony Abbott is a Conservative Catholic who didn't change his positions one bit,
18:40but was able to go out there and connect with average voters.
18:44Well, that's former US presidential hopeful Rick Santorum mentioning us on Fox News.
18:50Incidentally, the other guy he mentioned was Pope Francis.
18:54So, not as hard line a Catholic as Tony Abbott, but still.
18:59But what to other world leaders, people perhaps more important than Rick Santorum,
19:04think of our Supreme Leader, internationally heard of body language expert, Leo Bayasega, Bayasega?
19:08Well, Sean, world leaders are notoriously diplomatic about what they think of each other,
19:15but fortunately we don't have to hack their phones to find out the truth.
19:19Take a look at this shot of Mr Abbott from quite early on in his Prime Ministership.
19:23He's at the World Economic Forum and he's meeting Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.
19:26Right, okay. Well, that's interesting, isn't it?
19:29Now, when he puts his hand on top of Mr Abe's hand, is that a warm gesture or is it a gesture of dominance?
19:35Well, what Mr Abbott is doing here, Sean, is he's covering Mr Abe's hand to reassure him
19:39and then staring at Mr Abe's forehead.
19:42And the only possible interpretation of that is that he's saying,
19:45eat all the whale you want, me old China, just keep buying our coal.
19:50That's fascinating stuff. Alright.
19:53And what about this one here where he's meeting the founder of the Forum, Klaus Schwab?
20:02Ah, right, yes. Well, in this one, Mr Schwab is clearly worried that there's been a breach of security
20:05and some socially disconnected nutball has forced their way on stage.
20:11But Mr Abbott's slightly desperate look and excessively firm grip on Mr Schwab's forearm is, I believe, saying two things.
20:18First, it's lonely up here, hold me.
20:21And secondly, if you contradict me in your speech, I will break your arm.
20:27Well, it's great to get this sort of insight. It's fascinating.
20:30What about this meeting with Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu?
20:33Well, everything you need to know here is in the slightly unhinged grin and the uncertain eyes.
20:42It's saying, look, everyone, I'm with someone famous.
20:47And what about this non-Mr Abbott photo, but one which perplexed me?
20:52We can see it here. This is Foreign Minister Julie Bishop meeting US Secretary of State John Kerry.
20:57Tell me, why is he pulling that face?
21:00No, actually, that's just his face, Sean.
21:03I see, I beg your pardon. Well, what about Ms Bishop? What's her body telling you, if anything?
21:08Well, Julie appears to be warm and friendly and to have dental cover.
21:11Yes. And I think from Mr Kerry's demeanour and his eyeline, he's thinking, oh, you're a frisky one.
21:18And also, he does appear to be trying to remove his wedding ring.
21:21Yes. Well, thank you very much indeed, Clancy. You're welcome.
21:25Well, that's a, that's a, hello, that's an expert's view, but sometimes it's good to talk to regular people and see what they think about those in power, particularly those who have seen many governments over the years.
21:35Oh, no, no, no, really, Bill, no, no, no, no, thank you.
21:49Bill, um, Bill, just leave it.
21:53Um, for, for almost half a century, you, you wandered the corridors of power in our nation's capital, didn't you?
21:59Yes, I did. I worked at the souvenir shop at Parliament House as a stock boy for 47 years.
22:05You must have some wonderful stories.
22:07Yes, I do.
22:11What are they?
22:12Hmm?
22:13What are, what are the stories?
22:14Oh, yes, gosh, well, where do I begin? I mean, I knew all the great prime ministers.
22:20Robert Menzies once came in and bought a tea tower with his picture on it.
22:24He was like that, a man not afraid to dry his dishes with his own face.
22:29Maybe that's why the people loved him so.
22:31Er, but they all came in at one time or another.
22:33I, I remember Bob Hawke, er, wanted to buy a bathrobe for he and Blanche.
22:38Just the one?
22:39Yes, yes, I said to Bob, I said, why don't you just splurge and buy two?
22:42He said he'd already splurged and that's why he needed the bathrobe.
22:46Blanche giggled next to him, as was her wont.
22:49They were both naked and shivering. God knows what they've been up to.
22:52I mean, this was in the days before. CCTV footage.
22:54And what about some of the more modern leaders?
22:56Er, well, yes, well, I guess you've got your Tony Abbott's.
23:00Or just the one.
23:01I remember him when he was a junior minister.
23:03He'd come in often to see how battle lines were selling.
23:06It was a bit sad, really, seeing it there on the remainder table
23:09with copies of Graham Freudenberg's Things I Heard Gough Whitlam Say Once
23:13and those Alexander Downer bobbleheads. Couldn't ship those.
23:17Bill Shorten, he'd come in, too, and while away the hours browsing aimlessly.
23:22Probably sparked an early interest in politics.
23:24Er, no, no, this was just last week.
23:27Would you like to see some of my favourite souvenirs?
23:30Oh, I'd be delighted, Bill.
23:31Oh, come with me. Mind the lamingtons.
23:34Whoa!
23:35Yes, I have this very rare Kevin O13 mug.
23:39Not too many of those around.
23:41John Howard chocolates, well, past the use-by date.
23:45And, of course, this. The brain of Billy McMahon got this in 1972.
23:51Well, Billy McMahon only died in 1988.
23:54I know.
24:00Welcome back.
24:01Well, when a list of political donations was revealed recently
24:04in what could only be described as a newspaper,
24:07one that really caught my eye was a donation by Philip Morris
24:10of over $100,000 to the Coalition's federal election campaign.
24:13And I was thinking to myself,
24:15why would a perfectly reputable tobacco giant
24:17want to sully their reputation by getting involved in politics?
24:20And in any event, what are they going to get for a measly $100,000?
24:23I mean, it costs twice that to put a decal on a racing car.
24:29Yeah.
24:30You know, they really should...
24:32It's great, but they really should slow down a bit
24:34if they expect people to be able to read the advertising.
24:36Right, Biff?
24:39That's right, Sean.
24:47Remember, kids, it's your choice.
24:49So what's in it for Big Tobacco to sponsor politicians, I muse?
24:52And then this caught my other eye.
24:54The federal government has given approval for cattle grazing
24:57in, get this, Alpine National Park.
25:01Now, they didn't mention product placement
25:04or the branding of national parks before the election, did they?
25:07Highly inappropriate.
25:08Even if the cattle do find the pasture smooth and refreshing
25:11with a clean menthol taste.
25:14And, you know, if we don't speak up against it now,
25:16what we'll be seeing is this sort of thing happening
25:18right across the Marlborough country.
25:21To the New South Wales south coast now,
25:23and a sad day for environmentalists and fans of Sir Mix-a-Lot,
25:28as Shoalhaven's iconic bum tree was cut down
25:32to make way for a new road.
25:34Amidst cries of shame, the naked buttock-shaped eucalypt
25:37was removed by tree surgeons
25:38who presumably had majored in proctology.
25:42Scientists estimate the bum tree is more than 400 years old
25:45after a close inspection of its rings.
25:47For, um...
25:53Well, for this correspondence, though,
25:55the bum tree had a special environmental meaning.
25:58For me, it was Mother Nature mooning
26:00passing carbon emitting motorists.
26:03But one question does remain.
26:05If a bum tree farts in the forest...
26:09Does anybody hear it?
26:11I guess... I guess we'll never know.
26:14And not coming up, because we've run out of time.
26:18CFMEU claims harassment by fire brigade
26:20is preventing Federated Arsonist Union
26:22from doing their jobs.
26:25Inquiry reveals Darwin's blackout
26:27due to excessive alcohol consumption.
26:30And not stopping at stations policy
26:32helps trains stick to timetable claims lunatic.
26:38Well, we leave you tonight
26:39with something we hope becomes a regular feature,
26:41a piece from the Clockwork Satirists,
26:43a group of very clever students studying politics
26:46at Box Hill Institute of TAFE.
26:49Here's their take on the recent ousting
26:50of Libya's Prime Minister
26:51following the illegal sale of oil
26:53from rebel-held ports in Sidra.
26:56Enjoy.
26:57Oh, Libya, oh, Libya, say, have you crossed Libya?
27:02Libya, the foul state or nation?
27:05She has oil and I'll not kid you,
27:08they're lifting the Lydra on barrels from Sidra.
27:12Oh, Libya, oh, Libya, from Sertil told Libya,
27:15Lydia's seen quite the to-do.
27:17On her back is the UN and friends of Gaddafi.
27:21Behind it are those looking after Benghazi
27:24securing the rebel-held ports is the army.
27:27You can learn a lot from Libya.
27:30La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
27:36Wow.
27:37We interrupt the clockwork satirists because they are dreadful.
27:41Goodbye.
27:47Jive, baby.
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