- 7 months ago
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00:00¶¶
00:30Oh, I don't know about you, but after a long hike like that, I'm just about ready to pitch camp and hit the sack.
00:49What do you mean? I can still see the bus stop from here.
00:53Yes, this looks like a good spot, a natural sort of, uh...
00:56Shithole.
00:56Yeah, no, no, no, a natural hollow in the lee of the wind, fresh water supply, the wind coming from...
01:06Oh, dear, oh, dear.
01:08You'd think people would have had more control over their dogs, wouldn't you?
01:11Look at that!
01:13Must have been a Great Dane.
01:16Oh, we can't camp here, we're not French.
01:18Hidey-ho, on we go, Eddie.
01:20No rest for the hygienic.
01:22Oh, dear, oh, dear, it would be English.
01:24Yeah, this is much better here, yeah.
01:26Much more likely spot.
01:28Oh, this is great, isn't it?
01:32What?
01:33This.
01:35No.
01:36The poor, sad, deformed, urban pustule.
01:40This is real life.
01:42Nature, struggle, destiny.
01:45Where's your romance?
01:46Well, she works in sketches on a Saturday afternoon.
01:49Should be going out with her tonight.
01:52That's a point.
01:53I nip off now, I could just get to the chemist before they're shut.
01:56You stay where you are, Judas.
01:58Where's your sense of adventure?
01:59Ah, now, she's in Chiswick.
02:01I mean, where's your spunk?
02:03No, no, no.
02:04Let's just avoid that line of questioning, shall we?
02:08Oh, come on, Eddie.
02:10We don't need birds.
02:13Besides, if we don't do it, we'll lose that bet with mad Ken Starlin that we could live rough in the country for a week.
02:18We haven't got 50 quid, and I'd rather hang on to my kneecaps if it's all the same with you.
02:22A week?
02:25Ah, yes.
02:27I was hoping to break that to you at a more opportune moment.
02:30A bloody week?
02:32Yeah, well, I wasn't the one who got drunk and bet him he couldn't stick a dart in his temple.
02:37Once he'd done that, he had us over a barrel.
02:39But I've only got enough underwear for tonight.
02:42That's all you've ever had.
02:43That's true.
02:46Now, look, we're stuck with it.
02:48So, will you, for heaven's sake, stop moaning?
02:49Come on, let's get the tent up.
02:51Honestly, Alexander the Great never had this problem.
02:53Yeah, well, he wasn't a complete dickhead, was he?
02:56Right, that's it.
02:57That's it.
02:59Yes.
03:00I've been doing evening classes in jiu-jitsu, you know.
03:03Well, you should have done them in Hammersmith.
03:05Then you could have saved money on the bus fares.
03:07Hey, what great mates they are.
03:18Jiu-jitsu, Hammersmith, marvellous.
03:21Come on, let's get the tent right up.
03:23Right, well, that's the toilet tent.
03:36Where do we sleep?
03:38Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
03:40Look out, everybody.
03:41I'm about to blow my trousers off in merriment at Eddie's sarcasm.
03:44What, you mean that's the whole tent?
03:46Eddie, this isn't just a tent.
03:49This is a World Ranger Stormbuster 4.
03:51You could go anywhere in that.
03:54Yeah, and we probably will as soon as the breeze gets up.
03:57Hey, hey, don't knock it.
03:59You'll be glad of this when the bomb drops.
04:01What?
04:01You think that's going to withstand a 20-megaton nuclear blast?
04:06Well, you'll be sleeping in it tonight, so we'll find out, won't we?
04:10Wait a minute.
04:11We're both going to sleep in this?
04:14Yes.
04:16We'll be very close, won't we?
04:19Well, we'll have our sleeping bags
04:21to keep us respectable.
04:23Sleeping bags?
04:24What's this all about?
04:26The last thing I remember was ordering two pints of mild.
04:29Well, I've got my sleeping bag.
04:31Well, where's my sleeping bag?
04:32Well, that last I heard, she was in Chiswick.
04:36So there's only one sleeping bag?
04:37It would appear so, yes.
04:39Oh, yeah, I get it.
04:42Eddie,
04:43I'm not trying to trick you into a nudie sauce romp.
04:45Believe me,
04:46I'd rather stick my genitals in a bee's nest.
04:51Kinky.
04:52What do you mean, kinky?
04:53How am I kinky?
04:55You want to stick your genitals in a bee's nest?
04:58No, I don't.
04:59That's the whole point.
05:00It's sarcasm.
05:00Look, the point I was trying to make
05:04is that though sticking one's genitals in a bee's nest
05:06is a stupendously unnice thing to do,
05:08it's nevertheless preferable
05:09to having a squidgy sleeping bag session with you.
05:12All right.
05:12Now, can we just get our equipment out?
05:14I mean, get our...
05:15I mean, get our tackle out.
05:17No, I mean, get our gear out.
05:19Oh, God.
05:20You can't say anything
05:21without some dreadful double entendre lurking around the corner.
05:24Look,
05:25shall we just unpack and get dinner on the go?
05:27All right.
05:27I bet you forgot the tin opener, didn't you?
05:32I despair.
05:33I mean, I really do.
05:34I give you one simple task,
05:35one little obligation,
05:37and what do you do?
05:38You forget it.
05:38Well, that's where you're wrong,
05:40because...
05:41Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
05:43Here it is.
05:45Right, where are the tins?
05:47Shit!
05:49Shit!
05:50You stupid bastard.
05:52Why don't you make me forget them?
05:54Why do I have to do everything...
05:54We're going to starve to death now.
05:56We are going to starve to death.
05:57But look,
05:59I've got a packet of chocolate hobnobs.
06:03Oh, thank God.
06:04Oh, Eddie, we're saved.
06:08What do you mean, we?
06:10I'm all right.
06:11I don't fancy your chances much.
06:13Oh, have a heart, Eddie.
06:15It's your old pal here, Richie.
06:17Exactly.
06:18Buck off!
06:19Oh, have a heart.
06:33Eddie!
06:34Eddie!
06:34Eddie!
06:35Eddie!
06:36Oh, oh!
06:38Oh!
06:39Oh!
06:40Oh!
06:40Oh!
06:42Oh!
07:12Oh, my God.
07:42What was that film where they ate each other?
07:49Deep Throat, wasn't it?
07:55Yeah, that's right.
07:59Great, wasn't it?
08:02Anyway, anyway, back to the question of food.
08:04Oh, yeah.
08:06Hang on.
08:07This is Wimbledon Common, isn't it?
08:10Yes.
08:10Hey.
08:12I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble.
08:16Eddie, Eddie, Wombles don't exist.
08:19Oh, yes, they do.
08:20I've seen them on the telly.
08:23Eddie, would it scar you for life
08:25if I told you they were just puppets?
08:27Yes, it would.
08:29Good.
08:30Eddie, they were just puppets.
08:32Well, what's that, then?
08:34There's a...
08:34Eddie, that is a hedgehog.
08:37No, it's not.
08:38That is Great Uncle Bulgaria.
08:41Well, if it's Great Uncle Bulgaria,
08:43then the series has taken a sad turn for the worst
08:44because he's wandering about in the nude.
08:47Oh, the Wombles have got X-rated.
08:50Eddie, pop your insane, leaking brain back in its sponge bag
08:54for just an instant and concentrate.
08:55Now, Womble or not, that is our supper.
09:01It'll be a bit spiky, won't it?
09:03Eddie, Red Indians eat them, you know.
09:05Well, is that why they run around going...
09:07Red Native Americans do not run around the place going...
09:19No, ridiculous.
09:21They run around going...
09:22I bet they do.
09:24I bet they run around going...
09:26No, they do not.
09:30They run around the place saying...
09:31How lovely that spiky hedgehog meal was, Mrs Sitting Bull.
09:34We really must do the same next Tuesday.
09:36It was charming.
09:37How's Rogers Prep School, by the way?
09:38What the bloody hell are you talking about, you madman?
09:41You wouldn't understand, Eddie.
09:42Different social strata.
09:43Now, how are we going to kill it?
09:46Well, you could bore it to death.
09:49I don't.
09:50No.
09:51Oh, well, it's all academic.
09:54Now he's buggered off.
09:55Oh, no!
09:56There he is, in the thicket.
09:58Right, this is it.
10:00OK, right.
10:01I know.
10:02Let's entice him out with a chocolate hobnob.
10:04Great idea.
10:07Great idea.
10:08And then when he's out in the open, we'll surround him and finish him off.
10:10Is it right?
10:11So, we need to gather together some sticks and sort of lash them together to fashion some
10:14sort of rifle.
10:16I wonder what the pygmies do.
10:18They wander around saying, crikey, isn't everything big?
10:21It's no wonder they're dying out, then, is it?
10:24Hang on.
10:24I've got my darts.
10:29And we could use this as a blowpipe.
10:32Oh, yes.
10:33Oh, Eddie, yes.
10:34Darts and a blowpipe.
10:35Very rainforest.
10:36I wish Sting was here to see this.
10:39Right.
10:40Here we go.
10:41Oh, Eddie, Eddie, hang on.
10:43Now, listen.
10:43If we're going to do this really, really properly, we're going to have to have some proper Amazon
10:46Indian names for ourselves.
10:48Come on, before he goes off to meet Orinoco.
10:51Shut up, Eddie, shut up.
10:52This is important.
10:53Right, now, it's got to be sort of eagerly, with a dash of running dog and not forgetting
10:57a hint of being a tower of attraction to women.
11:00Hmm.
11:01What about Neville?
11:04That is brilliant.
11:06Running Neville.
11:07No, no, no, no.
11:08Sitting Neville.
11:08No, no.
11:09Squatting Neville.
11:11Come on, he's getting away.
11:13All right, all right, don't hustle me.
11:15Oh, well, I don't like it, but we'll go with Pocahontas.
11:17All right, Hockety-Punctus.
11:19Entice him out.
11:20Right.
11:20Hey, don't forget to make the noise.
11:23Ah.
11:24Ah!
11:26Oh, he's bugging off.
11:28Oh, no, there he is.
11:29Right, I'm free.
11:30Right, let's go.
11:31Oh, hey, Eddie.
11:33Do you think we should do this in our underpants?
11:35That'd be great.
11:36Be really Indian-y.
11:36We could get some hankies and put them down the front and the back like flaps.
11:42Stupid idea, isn't it?
11:44We haven't got any hankies.
11:46No, hang on.
11:46We could do some pages from the Evening Standard.
11:49They're even bigger.
11:49We get a big flap down the front and a big flap down the back.
11:52We get our byros out and we'll doodle on our nipple.
11:57Take your point.
11:58It's a bit chilly, isn't it?
11:59Right, then.
12:01Let's hunt.
12:04Mrs. Tiggywinkle.
12:06Mrs. Tiggywinkle.
12:08It's not working.
12:10Mr. Tiggywinkle.
12:12Yum, yum.
12:13Right, Eddie.
12:14He's broken cover.
12:15Let him have it.
12:19Did I get him?
12:20No, you missed.
12:21Damn.
12:22Eddie, old chum.
12:23Yes, me old mate?
12:24Do us a favour and pull this dart out the back of my head, would you?
12:27Come on, me old mucker.
12:29Well, where did that get there?
12:30I've no idea.
12:31Hurry along now.
12:32I'm losing me eyesight.
12:32I'm losing me eyesight.
12:32You put the fire out now.
12:54Eddie, there's a fish in there.
13:01There he is.
13:02Let him have it.
13:02Go and get him, Richie.
13:06No, I think I'll just hang around here on the shore if it's all the same with you.
13:08Oh, come on, he's only a fish.
13:10Yes, I realise that, but unfortunately my hand is now attached to this bull.
13:29Right.
13:30Give me the blowpipe.
13:31Yep.
13:32I'm very sorry, Richie.
13:34Give me the dart.
13:36Here you go.
13:37Right.
13:38Go and stand over there.
13:40Fair enough.
13:50Slap me!
13:51I beg your partner.
13:52Slap me!
13:54Oh, I like this game.
13:56You've got a dart in there.
14:02Did you know that?
14:04You have got a dart in there!
14:07Get it out!
14:09I beg you.
14:10I beg you.
14:10Get it out!
14:14Kinky!
14:18The dart!
14:36I don't think we're really cut out for this dart.
14:39The only thing that's had anything to eat round here is the bloody hedgehog.
14:43There's only one hobnob left. That's 27 hobnobs he's had.
14:47It's no wonder he shits like a great dame.
14:51Hey, Eddie, why don't we have a go at that fish?
14:54But we haven't got a rod.
14:56Hey, why don't we use your vest as a net?
15:00Would I have to be in it?
15:02Come on, give us the vest.
15:04Right, get the stove nice and hot. Stand back, Mubi. Here I come.
15:14Have you caught anything yet?
15:24Yes, I think I very probably have caught something, Eddie.
15:26It's quite a love-mess round here, you know.
15:32Oh, no. Great. Eddie, I've landed one. She is a beauty.
15:38Nice one, Richie. Look at her. Look at her. Look at her.
15:42She must be that big.
15:46Oh, quite a little battler, yeah.
15:48I'm afraid we lost the net in the conflict.
15:52You mean my vest is in the pot?
15:54Is the stove lit yet?
15:56Half? Half?
15:58Yeah, you haven't seen the matches anywhere, have you?
16:00No. You could try rubbing a stick together.
16:02You could try rubbing a stick together.
16:04Let's see what this might be.
16:06It's a little bit.
16:07It's a big one.
16:08It's a big one.
16:10She's a big one.
16:12She is a beauty.
16:14You've got a nice one, Richie.
16:15Look at her.
16:17Look at her.
16:18She must be that big.
16:20Oh, quite a little battler, yeah.
16:21stick together hmm it's a tad more urgent than that
16:27oh all right all right you can use my briquet but don't keep your finger
16:34pressed down longer than a second all right
16:37stove's lit nice one right let's get moby under the grill i'm famished
17:04is it done then i think so
17:07they don't take long do they well and we just eat it straight off the ground
17:12do we is that safe oh eddie you and your hygiene we're in the countryside here
17:17we've got everything we need we'll wash it in the lake lovely fresh mountain
17:21stream it'll be lovely yeah well you pick it up it's a bit near the dog
17:26shit for me
17:35oh lost a bit
17:38which ends the head do you think oh come here give it a country boy i'll divide it up
17:50uh well it's about to be one end or the other isn't it uh
17:54there heads or tails no we can't do that can we uh all right i'll have the black bit you have the flaky
17:59bit good health
18:10that was disgusting
18:14you're not eating yours eddie
18:17no i'm keeping it what for
18:21evidence oh come on eddie you've got to get some nutrition i'm all right mate
18:27i've got half a bottle of scotch here i know whose side i'm on oh yes let's get boozy and
18:32sit around the campfire singing dirty rugby songs yeah right oh here we go
18:40oh well first shot to me
18:53there you go all right oh i'm going crazy
18:57oh okay dirty rugby songs let's go uh twinkle twinkle littles oh it's not really dirty that
19:05one is it eddie uh eddie oh eddie oh eddie don't pass out already you miss out on all the fun
19:14what fun yes i suppose that's a point when you come to think of it nothing much ever really
19:20happens in the country does it you wonder why they do it really don't you i mean with something as
19:42small as that i mean mine's bigger than that mine's tiny ish tiny ish
19:54oh well time for bed what do you mean it's only half past five oh eddie don't be silly this is the
20:02country now you know what they say a cuckoo in may who are who are a right well here we are edward
20:15you sure you didn't sneak a quick peek at my underpants while i was getting into my sleeping bag
20:19absolutely richie i give you my word of honor i didn't get even the slightest glimpse of your
20:26gaudily stained love blob containers all right good well nighty night then
20:42what do you normally do when you go to bed eddie
20:47i normally have a bit of a kip
20:50you're so concise i mean what's your going to bed routine
20:53ah routine well i normally get into bed and then i have a bit of a kip
21:03wonder what's on telly right now
21:07probably missing emmerdale farm
21:10matt'll have his arm up some cow's backside by now
21:14lucky bugger
21:17we'll miss the late show of course
21:19god that bird in the red specks
21:27eddie are you carrying a torch for her
21:31no it's just the way my trousers rock up
21:33what you're eating i do i don't know i'm too drunk to focus
21:47bored now
21:47have you ever been hang gliding eddie
21:55nope
21:56no nor me
21:58well that's exhausted that one then
22:00oh
22:03i can't think of anything else to talk about
22:04well night night then
22:07yes i suppose so night night sleep tight hope the bed bugs do not bite
22:13if they do do a poo put it in the cornish stew
22:18into the ambulance drink drink drink fish trousers elephant in peking
22:22saw a busy bee diddle diddle dee that is an accountant just like me
22:25i'm still not asleep you know
22:34you know i think it's a sleeping bag
22:39he's letting in a draft
22:41oh my heart bleeds
22:44come on eddie i'm more sensitive than you are
22:45oh do us a favor me old pal grab a hold of my drawstring and give it a bloody good yank
22:53i'll make your pardon
22:54yeah here oh
23:00whoa okay fine fine good
23:04right night night then
23:08oh no no
23:11put the light out eddie would you
23:15oh god it'd be me oh night night then world
23:45oh
23:55eddie
23:56eddie
23:57there's someone outside doing owl impressions
24:03not very good ones either
24:05eddie
24:11no eddie
24:11what are you doing that for i was having a dream
24:21i know it sounded harrowing
24:23no i was in bed with kim messenger
24:26it was fantastic let's get back to sleep very quickly
24:30where the bloody hell am i no eddie calm down you're in a tins
24:40i think there's something outside
24:43yeah
24:44well there's bound to be something outside richie
24:47you can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a
24:51small canvas tent
24:55you're very philosophical for this time of night eddie
24:57yeah well i've had half a bottle of scotch what do you expect
25:00no listen
25:03no eddie i'm serious i'm getting a sense of something magnificently evil black and foul
25:09hanging in the air waiting to destroy us
25:10yeah that'll be the fish repeating on you
25:15there it is again
25:17what do you think it is
25:18a wolf
25:21a bear
25:23wombles
25:23wombles
25:30eddie eddie
25:31why don't we bring the fire inside the tent to ward them off
25:35well that'd be a bit dangerous wouldn't it oh it's gone out
25:39well what's the point then oh yes silly me
25:44why don't we light a small fire inside the tent
25:48all right just a small one you know me
25:51a tiny bitsy bitsy teeny one good old eddie
25:54now where's the paraffin here we go
25:59no no eddie don't drink it we need that
26:01stand well back what do you mean stand well back i can't get out of this bloody sleeping bag can i
26:09here we go no eddie change of plan
26:14nice man eddie that should ward them off
26:21oh oh eddie look help me get out of the sleeping bag
26:27there's wrong time
26:31no no no
26:37no no
26:41ah
26:43ah
26:45ah
26:47ah
26:49Right, well, that's about it for me.
27:02I'm off.
27:06Well, are you not coming?
27:08Well, I can't. I can't move, can I?
27:11Now, that's a point.
27:14Eddie.
27:15No.
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