- 6 months ago
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00Just on a foraging trip, he'll be fine, Felix.
00:03I've got a crush on him.
00:06Aunt Stevie? No. Dirty, yucky boys.
00:10Are they love bites, Felix? That's so 90s.
00:15Love bite, no. It's obviously the bite of a vampire.
00:18What vampire?
00:19Burn it with your science, Susan.
00:21Vampire crept into my room last night.
00:23Lucky enough, I set fire to the rich blockade of his cape
00:26before he got his teeth really stuck in.
00:29Look, wild garlic.
00:31Oh, that'll keep the pesky vampire away.
00:41Nora, say sorry to Harry.
00:48Why have they all got brooms?
00:50Obviously, I was teaching them Quidditch.
00:52That girl is driving me crazy.
00:54Maybe she's got ADHD, I don't know.
00:56Maybe she's eaten a magic mushroom.
00:57Sorry, wait. You think our daughter may be high?
00:59You were this calm about it?
01:00Kids experiment.
01:01Who dies?
01:07Oh, my God.
01:09Nuclear radiation, radiation sickness...
01:11Open your eyes, woman.
01:13This is proof. Now, give me that garlic.
01:15Oh, shit, they're vampires. It's so obvious.
01:18No, this is clean.
01:19Team Jacob, shall I die, motherfucker?
01:21Team Jacob, shall I die, motherfucker?
01:22See you later?
01:23Mama!
01:24Oh, fuck no.
01:25Woohoo!
01:26Woohoo!
01:27Woohoo!
01:28Woohoo!
01:41Woohoo!
01:43This is a situation every child in the camp has been taken ill
02:06I wish we could Google this Google I'd set up a beam I'd ask Jeeves
02:11I am desperate the children must remain quarantined only the doctor can have
02:15contact why can't we see our kids the disease is contagious stay away from me
02:21for God's sake doctor how come their kids ain't green what makes them so special
02:25all right we're all in this together I'll do anything to help just name it well I
02:28have created an antidote but it needs a test subject someone willing to risk a
02:35slow and hideously painful death cool I would put myself forward for that but
02:44did I tell you about my unusual blood type and my allergy to shellfish like is there
02:53any pawns in their antidote any cockles or I don't then I'll volunteer myself and now
03:05ask me anything you like I shall do my best to answer all your questions dr.
03:09pepper not my name who stole my dr. pepper I took a whole crate from the
03:12supermarket yesterday I'm distraught I think we've got more important
03:15questions than that right now Tom yeah the thing about you know you don't
03:22actually go blind do you it's like one lonely term I went down to like a minus
03:26six what we're all thinking it we're so not Felix how easy would it be for you to
03:33give me a vagina just a little buttercup one a bit like Susan's who are you have you seen my Dr.
03:46Pepper have one sip please Laura no water's boring and yucky oh Tom can you help please these could be
03:55symptoms what can I do something anything we just get off your ass please hello hi Randall been there
04:02long a while you're here because the children's toys and no books yes why don't we lend your
04:09green friend some of your toys Laura that'd be a nice thing to do I get out of your mind nobody cares
04:14about me Susanna the children's things could be contaminated they need to be how do I put this
04:20incinerated what does incinerated mean it means have a nice holiday your toys need to unwind and
04:30have a bit of me time no cross wires sorry I meant destroying her treasures with fire
04:34burn them sorry we're going to burn them we're going to burn your toys sorry I'm so flowery it's
04:40a real problem the books can't be contaminated you can't burn them they're irreplaceable
04:45doctor's orders Susanna never got the hang of Flint okay stop both of you I'll talk to the doctor try and
04:54sort this out don't burn anything until I get back okay I'll tell you what how about I torch all the
05:00school books now and then I come back later for the rest deal that sounds very reasonable Sus
05:15all right Felix I'm a woman and my name is Felicity look any other day I'd be your rock but I'm gonna
05:25have to cut you off hey would you see the doctor says I need counseling before he gets me the old
05:29snipperoo but you'd regret such a whim now about the doctor he ain't green no more the antidate works
05:36trouble is he's not enough fit to get around I've got to speak to the doctor right now so hang on
05:40what about equality if he sees the doctor we all see the doctor probably me first for suggesting
05:47the idea the Doc's taking your bids one by one the highest bid of wins like some kind of game show
05:52well if you don't let me in we're gonna kick the door down let's burn this hospital to the ground
05:57burn it your kids are in the hospital have burning it gonna help revolution come on social media let's
06:06make this happen noises big noise around the back a sheet of red corrugated iron knock out the
06:17rhythm of faith by George Michael hey catchy catchy it's bloody contagious do you see
06:36the books please stop being so damn weird you awful menx this is the primitive electronic tag it's like you've got me on some medieval register
07:00stop the books are contagious
07:03guess it would be nice
07:09Doc I need your help
07:12my master will see you now human
07:15I can come back later because I can assume the doctor's busy treating you
07:20hey girlfriend quick crazy am I a pair only I've been toying with an a-line but think I've got a smidge too much junk in the old trunk
07:50no I what's in there nothing it's just drinking water for the kids I'm amazed you're even curious
07:57well I'm curious all right
07:59have we got a bubble butt
08:03no
08:05well thank you
08:06well I hope young Jesse recovers
08:11you're a hero doctor it's an honour to give you all of our winter clothes and fuel
08:15and Jesse's little shoes
08:16you're done
08:18thank you
08:22too many patients not enough medicine what can I do
08:28and the
08:31the robot
08:32Yamato was given to me by Mrs. Takagi in exchange for the antidote
08:36daiquiri doctor
08:37amazing what the Japanese can do
08:39feel that craftsmanship
08:42you are aware that's a man with a colander on his head right
08:46can't believe your own eyes eh well I don't blame you
08:48so lifelike
08:49touch him
08:50his skin so soft
08:52look
08:53my daughter's sick
08:54she's been acting crazy
08:55Tom you can see my dilemma
08:57my time is valuable
08:59what do you want
09:00I'll give you anything just make her better
09:03not about what I want
09:03it's about what I need
09:06the touch
09:07of another
09:09but will Suze let me have it
09:12daiquiri doctor
09:14not now Yamato
09:16so the doctor's gone insane
09:20Tom
09:21I don't feel well daddy
09:23oh shit
09:25there's no way I'm letting you sleep with him
09:27you're acting like I want to sleep with him
09:29it's not going to happen
09:29it's not your decision
09:31ah
09:32this is about your pride and insecurities okay
09:34wait
09:34I'll steal it
09:36you can't steal medicine
09:37I know where he keeps the antidote
09:38I can do this
09:39he's not my natural stealth
09:41and cunning
09:41okay
09:42fine
09:43and then when the doctor catches you
09:45tell him I'll be along at 8.30
09:47burn it
09:49help our kids
09:50burn it
09:51help our kids
09:52burn it
09:53help our kids
09:54burn it
09:55help our kids
09:56burn it
09:57help our kids
09:58burn it
10:00oh shit
10:01bonsoir
10:07sorry felix
10:10felicity
10:12no bother
10:13I'm pretty down in the dumps tbh
10:15just sprang my breasts into the moon
10:17cool
10:18well I've got some urgent business
10:19so chin up and
10:20oh sure I look bootalicious in the wig
10:23but underneath it all
10:25well I'm still just felix
10:26you want to talk about it now
10:29or
10:29but one day
10:30this chrysalis is gonna burst open
10:33and felicity
10:34mmm
10:35bitch is gonna fly
10:37fuck it
10:41fuck it
10:42fuck
10:43lasers
10:46oh you'll have to do better than that
10:49okay
10:50go
10:51fuck go
10:52go
10:52fuck shit
10:53fuck shit
10:54well well Yamato
10:57we've caught ourselves a fly
10:59affirmative
10:59master
11:00stop pretending you're not a twat in a bin
11:02does not compete
11:03hmm
11:05with his laser pen
11:06in a more fancy stationery
11:08got one of those pens with a woman
11:10and you click and her bra goes down
11:11you know cause if you do
11:13I'd love to have like one peek
11:15unless you do go blind
11:17sit down Tom
11:17no
11:18I'm going home
11:19it's too late for that
11:20unless you want the people to know about this little indiscretion
11:23I'm curious
11:24when did you get so creepy
11:26Yamato
11:28calculate the statistical probability of Laura's survival
11:32if her condition remains untreated
11:35probability of survival is one in 330,000
11:39he has literally made that number up on the spot
11:42you know what I'm asking for
11:44to save your daughter's life
11:46I'm not prostituting my girlfriend
11:47I don't want her
11:49I want
11:51you
11:52you want
11:55you
11:56to
11:57oh yeah daddy
12:04yes
12:05yes
12:06deeper
12:07ah
12:10yeah
12:16okay
12:17really
12:18yeah
12:18I guess
12:19right
12:19you seem quite
12:20keen
12:21I'm not keen
12:23just
12:24am I actually sacrificing
12:26you know
12:26but you're quite clear on
12:27what I want
12:28one night
12:29all night
12:30in the chocolate factory
12:31and then
12:33you give Laura the antidote
12:34after I ruin you
12:36come on
12:36you're killing the romance
12:38tomorrow
12:39sunday
12:40I'll deal
12:40I think a dance
12:47Yamada
12:47that in
12:52hey hey hey hey
12:56there's no way I'm letting you sleep with him
13:05you're acting like I want to sleep with him
13:06you wouldn't let me sleep with him
13:08yes
13:08because you're you
13:09I can just take on the chin
13:11or wherever he wants to put it
13:12oh what and I couldn't
13:13why
13:13I suppose you're gonna say it's because I'm a woman
13:15yes I am
13:16because he doesn't fancy women
13:18he fancies me
13:19are you jealous
13:21no I'm not jealous
13:23Tom
13:24have you ever
13:25been a man
13:27in year three I let Paul Peskin touch my penis for a bet
13:30what'd you get
13:31a shiny Bulbasaur
13:32is that a
13:32ill
13:36Bulbasaur is a Pokemon
13:37please don't cheapen him
13:39hey
13:42you okay
13:43I'm scared
13:45if Laura dies
13:46then all the cockroaches I've eaten
13:48all the psychotic homos I've beaten to death
13:50won't mean a fucking thing
13:52hey hey
13:52I'm not gonna let that happen
13:54okay
13:55morning
13:57anyone home
13:58who's that
14:01when my daughter turned green
14:05the doctor didn't want any of our possessions
14:07so this was the obvious choice
14:09the doctor's got some
14:10I won't say racist
14:11but some odd ideas about the Japanese
14:13that they're obedient
14:15good with technology
14:16this was our last chance
14:18brilliant
14:19I'm not even Japanese
14:20I'm from Shanghai
14:21tell us about the doctor
14:23I discovered
14:23the doctor's antidote
14:25is a compound of
14:26sesquitabine lactones
14:27and allium ursinum
14:28wild garlic and wormwood
14:31I found wild garlic in the woods
14:33and you're sure about the antidote
14:34before the bombs
14:35I was a scientist
14:36I taught chemistry
14:38okay Suze
14:39you and Yamato
14:40go and find the plan
14:41I'll stay with Laura
14:42and
14:42if you're not back in time
14:44then do what I have to do
14:46I admire you Tom
14:47I mean
14:48I'm humiliating myself
14:49but you
14:50you are putting your ass
14:52on the line
14:53yourself
14:54on the line
14:55please shut up and hurry
14:56because I really really really
14:57don't want to do this
14:58now go on
14:59go
14:59dad
15:06will you read me a fairy tale
15:08Laura
15:08these could be infected
15:10but I love fairy tales
15:12daddy
15:12alright
15:14come on then
15:15which one do you want
15:17Hans Christian Anderson
15:19oh
15:20what about
15:20Tony Blair's autobiography
15:22I like it when
15:23God comes down
15:24from the sky
15:25and tells Tony
15:25to invade Iraq
15:26gods
15:29slap me on the back
15:30immoral
15:31forget about it
15:33he laughed in his broad
15:35American accent
15:36read to me about the princess
15:37okay
15:38here we go
15:40chapter one
15:43usually a girl meets her prince
15:46at a ball at a medical palace
15:47or in the queue for the toilets
15:48at sugar hut
15:49but I met Pete in the jungle
15:51hmm
15:52what is it
15:58I cut a worm in half
16:00that's how he's doing it
16:03him aphroditic cystoidia
16:05worms
16:06I've got to get back
16:07before the doctor suspects me
16:09here's what you have to do
16:12writing the novel is hard
16:14I realised when my fifth ghostwriter
16:16also killed himself
16:17oh
16:18saves thank God
16:20ready to go boss
16:21where are you going dad
16:27I'm gonna get you back
16:28sweetheart
16:29I brought your gloves
16:31gumshell and bucket
16:32we're having sex Felix
16:35we're not boxing
16:35oh
16:36clearly you've never
16:37seduced three shepherds
16:39on a scrubland stream
16:40of corpses
16:40underneath the seven bridge
16:42no
16:43no I haven't
16:44well it's one for the bucket list
16:46let me tell you
16:47good luck mate
16:48it's gonna be fine
16:51oh that's your attitude
16:52like yourself
16:53there's no shame in that
16:54come on
16:54it's really not a big deal
16:55just look after Laura
16:57you got it
16:58your daddy's a brave brave man
17:00sweetheart
17:01burn it
17:03help our kids
17:04burn it
17:05help
17:05sit down
17:11relax
17:12drink
17:14yes
17:16I want this man
17:17well lubricated
17:18affirmative
17:19master
17:19do you like jazz
17:23oh God
17:24oh yeah
17:29Yamato
17:30fly me to
17:31bird lane
17:33you ever wish
17:35you were born
17:36a schoolgirl
17:36in Tokyo
17:37no
17:40look
17:40do we have to
17:41go through
17:42the seduction
17:43I like to break
17:44my horse in
17:45before I ride it
17:46over the finish line
17:47mmm
17:48oh ye mother
18:03and thus
18:07I vanquish
18:09your queen
18:10what say we play
18:12the supercomputer
18:13hop in Yamato
18:14we want to tag team
18:15your icily logical
18:16posterior
18:17how are you doing
18:23get your hands off my man
18:26you can't
18:27spine chilling
18:28totally naked shit
18:32what's going on
18:40can you please tell me
18:46what's happening
18:47are you alright
18:51stop fighting
18:52both of you
18:52what's going on
18:56shh
18:58we're just playing
18:59a game
19:00go back to sleep
19:02don't wake the
19:04chill
19:05turn
19:05I'm going to fucking kill you
19:11she's got a job on us
19:13ow
19:14shh
19:15lasers
19:21damn it
19:22checkmate
19:24ow
19:28oh I think I broke my knuckle
19:31he's probably not going to want to fix that is he
19:36can someone please tell me what's going on
19:38I put a parasite in the school water supply
19:44it gave the children worms
19:46the parasite produces an iron deficiency
19:48and because your children were malnourished anyway
19:51it produced a very distinctive visible symptom
19:54and the kids turned green
19:55and then you invented an antidote to kill off the parasite
19:58meddling robot
19:59I'm a chemistry teacher
20:01you're goddamn right Heisenberg
20:02how could you infect children
20:04it's private healthcare in action
20:06supply and demand
20:07do one hate the playa
20:09hate the game
20:10you nearly destroyed this community and for what?
20:12dollar bills yo
20:13old blankets
20:15new wheels for my shopping trolley
20:16and this fabulous dressing gown
20:18and that shit means more to you than human life?
20:20pretty much yes
20:21I didn't even really want to have sex with you
20:24that was just a power thing
20:25oh I don't mean I didn't enjoy it
20:29you were fine
20:30you were a six
20:32was I late?
20:37here you go
20:38I don't want to talk about it
20:41I couldn't come any quicker
20:43tell me about it
20:44it took a while
20:45Laura
20:53Laura wake up
20:55daddy's home
20:56daddy
20:58let's get you better sweetheart
20:59what the
21:01come here
21:03stay away from me
21:06I'm contagious
21:07it's paint
21:08do you have any idea what your dad just did for you?
21:11you were worrying about the other kids
21:14I got jealous
21:15sorry dad
21:17don't worry
21:18I totally forgive you
21:19something's wrong with you
21:22it's down there
21:23right
21:24that sort of stuff is your mum's lady business
21:27so I'll just go for a long long walk
21:29no I mean under the bed dad
21:31Dr Pepper
21:34no wonder you didn't drink the water at school
21:37I know it was wrong
21:38but it felt so good
21:40so she was high
21:41and then she went cold turkey
21:43I think these belong to someone
21:45they didn't burn them
21:46no I stopped them
21:48these here are your identity
21:49I know what it's like to have society destroy that
21:53I am what I am
21:54thanks Felix
21:55you're a good man
21:56or woman
21:57can I play with my friends?
21:59oh go on then
22:00they're a Zorbitron stand
22:02playing a board game
22:03operational you think he said
22:04well why kids
22:07scout was at the ready
22:08no wait wait
22:09wait please
22:10you can't do this
22:11it's immoral
22:13immoral?
22:14forget about it
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