- hace 5 meses
Max and 99 have been ordered from higher up to tail the Chief based on his recent behaviour. The Chief goes to a computer dating service, and shortly thereafter begins to date a young Greek girl. However, the Chief is under deep cover, as the girl is the wife of scientist Dr. Paponickolini and she is using her "dates" with the Chief to pass information to him about the findings of her husband, who is working on a "fountain of youth" formula.
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00:00Oh, Max, I feel terrible spying on the chief like this.
00:18He's been like a father to us.
00:20I know, 99, but he's been acting very strange lately,
00:23and we've been ordered to check him out.
00:27This is the worst assignment we've ever been given.
00:30Are you sure you tied that rope good and tight?
00:32Of course I tied it good and tight, 99.
00:34I put a double half hitch in it.
00:36Well, that looks like a slipknot to me.
00:38Well, it may look like a slipknot to you,
00:40but I'm telling you that it's a double half hitch.
00:42You're absolutely sure about that?
00:43I'm absolutely positive about it.
00:44If it were a slipknot, when I pulled a cord, it would just go like...
00:47Are you okay, 99?
00:53Oh, yeah.
00:54Well, it's a good thing they didn't see us in there.
00:57You know, this is the third time in two weeks
00:59that the chief's come to this computer dating service.
01:01I can't believe the chief could get that lonely
01:04that he would come to a machine for a date.
01:06You'd think he'd come to us first.
01:07We're his friends.
01:08As a matter of fact,
01:09I offered to introduce him to a perfectly lovely lady his own age.
01:13Who's that?
01:14My mother.
01:16Oh.
01:17Well, maybe he could get that lonely.
01:19I wish there was some way we could open the window
01:26so we could hear what's going on in there.
01:28And that won't be necessary, 99.
01:30I have an absolutely acute sense of hearing.
01:32And although you may not be able to hear what's going on in that room,
01:35I can hear every single word through this pane of glass.
01:39Max, that's fantastic.
01:41Huh?
01:41She sounds like a fine woman.
01:43When do I meet her, Dr. Stanton?
01:44Well, she should be here by now.
01:47Bert, has Miss Papa Nicolini arrived yet?
01:49Just a few moments ago, doctor.
01:51Excellent.
01:53Excuse me.
01:56Doesn't the chief realize what a security risk he's running
01:59by meeting a girl this way?
02:01I mean, he has access to the top military secrets.
02:04She could be a chaos agent.
02:05She might even try to kill him.
02:08Gina, how nice to see you again.
02:11I have someone for you to meet.
02:14Mr. Harold Clark, Miss Gina Papa Nicolini.
02:19I'm very glad to meet you.
02:21How do you do?
02:22Oh, for me?
02:26Lovely.
02:38What do you think, Max?
02:39Well, if she's going to kill him,
02:41it certainly is a nice way to go.
03:13¶¶
03:43It's ten after eleven, Max.
03:58Before the chief met that girl, he used to be in the office at seven every morning.
04:02Yes, well, that's a break for us, 99.
04:04Gives us a chance to decide where to put this bugging device.
04:07Well, what are you doing by the bookcase?
04:09Every time the chief comes in, he goes right for his desk.
04:11Why don't we try to hide it someplace on the desk?
04:13Hmm. You're right, 99.
04:18Now, I'll put it under the phone.
04:20Oh, good.
04:23Morning, 99.
04:24Morning, Max.
04:25Morning, chief.
04:27Do you want to see me about something?
04:30Ah, yes, chief.
04:32As a matter of fact, there was something that we wanted to talk to you about.
04:35Max, why are you bringing that phone over to me?
04:37Huh?
04:38Oh, the phone, yes.
04:40Well, I thought, chief, that while we were talking, maybe a call might come for you.
04:43Well, if a call does come for me while we're talking, then I'll go over to the desk and answer it.
04:47Well, I thought I might save you the war.
04:49What is it you want to talk to me about?
04:54Eh, well, chief.
04:56Hold it, Max.
04:58Go ahead, Max.
05:00You see, chief, we figure that you're probably one of the most important men in our government.
05:06Thank you, Max.
05:07That's a compliment.
05:08We also feel that you know as much about what's going on in this country as the vice president.
05:14That's not a compliment, Max.
05:15Why do you keep pushing that phone in front of my face?
05:17What phone?
05:19That phone.
05:20Oh, that phone.
05:21Yes, well, I...
05:22It's no good, Max.
05:23I can't go through with it.
05:25Neither can I, 99.
05:27Chief, we cannot tell a lie.
05:29We put a bugging device on this phone.
05:31Why on earth would you do a thing like that?
05:33We hate to tell you this, chief, but we've been tailing you for the past week.
05:37Why?
05:37Well, chief, we didn't want to do it, but that's the assignment they gave us.
05:41Who gave you that assignment?
05:43The guy who's over you.
05:45Well, if he's over me, why are you pointing down?
05:47Because his office is downstairs.
05:50Chief, you've become a terrible security risk.
05:53I mean, running around with a young girl who you don't know anything about
05:57has jeopardized your position as head of control.
05:59How much do you know about her?
06:01Well, we know this much about her.
06:03You've been with her constantly since the first day you met her.
06:05And we followed you while you went dining, dancing, and sailing.
06:08And last night, I happened to be there when you were having dinner with her at Le Petit Tableau.
06:13That's impossible.
06:14Le Petit Tableau is a very small restaurant.
06:16I would have seen you.
06:17Oh, really?
06:17Did you happen to notice your waiter?
06:19Yes, he spilled soup all.
06:22You were the waiter.
06:25You're a lousy waiter.
06:26Yeah, well, you're a lousy tipper.
06:29Oh, Chief, don't you understand what's happening to you?
06:34You've reached that age where a man begins to worry about his virility.
06:37So you want to prove you still have it by having a fling with some young, beautiful girl.
06:42Did it ever occur to you that I'm not just having a fling?
06:45That I'm lonely and would like to settle down?
06:48Well, don't you think you ought to pick someone a little closer to your own age?
06:51Someone bright and cheery?
06:53Like 99's mother.
06:55I want companionship.
06:57Well, 99's mother can give you companionship.
06:59I want someone to darn my socks and cook my food.
07:02Well, 99's mother can darn your socks and cook your food.
07:05I'd like to have children.
07:07Uh, 99, what kind of shape is the old girl in?
07:12Well, maybe you're right.
07:14I am old enough to be her father, and I guess it wouldn't be very fair to her.
07:21All right, I'll give her up.
07:23I'll phone her and tell her it's all over.
07:28What's wrong?
07:29We've been discovered.
07:31Kales?
07:31No, two of my own agents.
07:33Well, how much do they know?
07:35Nothing.
07:35They think I'm having a fling with a young girl, and they're worried about me.
07:38Well, it would seem that our meeting like this under the guise of a romance has worked rather well.
07:43Not well enough, I'm afraid.
07:44They've demanded that I stop seeing you immediately.
07:46Well, you can't.
07:47We're so close to completion.
07:48Oh, my husband has worked a lifetime on this formula.
07:52I cannot fail him.
07:54How much more of your husband's formula must I absorb?
07:57Let me see.
07:58Uh, I've been feeding you at the rate of 30 pages a day.
08:01We could finish by tomorrow night.
08:03I'm afraid I can't stall them that long.
08:05Could we finish tonight?
08:06If you think you can memorize that many pages?
08:09Well, I'll have to.
08:10We'll work now, and then I'll go back to the office and transfer it to microtape.
08:14Then I'll meet you later tonight.
08:16Excellent.
08:21Are you ready?
08:22Yes.
08:22We selected a male rabbit dying of old age.
08:28We injected him with a solution of hydrochloric plus H2101.
08:33We then placed him in a cage with 12 young female rabbits.
08:39In six hours, increase in energy was so great, he was chasing the rabbits all over the cage.
08:45Did you get that?
08:47Yes, hydrochloric plus H2101.
08:49Go ahead.
08:49Right.
08:51Increase in appetite was checked out next.
08:54We placed the old rabbit in a cage with a carrot.
08:58For two days, a carrot remained uneaten.
09:01A strong indication of a flaw in the formula.
09:04One night, I was working late in the laboratory.
09:07I looked up and discovered the reason.
09:10There in the cage was the old rabbit kissing the carrot.
09:12We lessened the potency, two grams, to C2FO4.
09:18Did you get that?
09:20Yes.
09:20Lessen the potency, two grams, to C2FO4.
09:23Go ahead.
09:25Well, the next...
09:26I'm sorry.
09:39It's all right.
09:42Shall I continue?
09:43Yes.
09:44No!
09:45No, that woman is one of the control agents I was talking to you about.
09:48You go back to your hotel.
09:49I'll meet you later tonight.
09:49Where?
09:51Well, they're having a peace demonstration at the Army Induction Center tonight at 8.30.
09:54I'll meet you there, and while we're pretending to shout obscenities at the police,
09:58you'll be giving me the rest of the formula.
10:06Well, well.
10:08If it isn't Mrs. Maxwell Smart.
10:10Do you mind if I take a peek at the baby?
10:13Oh, isn't he cute?
10:15And Japanese, too.
10:17Oh, right, Chief.
10:18So you spotted me.
10:19But you must admit, you were with that girl again after you promised you'd never see her anymore.
10:23I was saying goodbye to her, 99.
10:25I felt I owed her more than just to do it over the telephone.
10:28Is that the truth?
10:29The honest-to-goodness truth.
10:31Good.
10:32Then you can come tonight to her apartment for dinner.
10:34I'll be there.
10:36So will my mother.
10:44Wunderbar!
10:45Oh, that gives me another monopoly.
10:47Uh, Moscow, East Berlin, and Pittsburgh.
10:51Now, I want to build a new missile base on each.
10:55Enough.
10:56I can't concentrate.
10:58My mind is on Dr. Papanicolini.
11:00He left Athens over a week ago.
11:03I was sure he was coming here to give control his formula.
11:06Why hasn't he shown up yet?
11:08I don't know.
11:09But I do know he hasn't contacted control yet.
11:11Bolheim has had the chief under constant surveillance,
11:14and he reports he has met with no one.
11:16No one except that beautiful young thing he's been running around with.
11:25Strym speaking.
11:27Yes, I'll take the call.
11:29It's our man in Athens.
11:32Go ahead, please.
11:32No wonder.
11:35Well, things begin to make more sense now.
11:38Well done.
11:41Dr. Papanicolini never left Greece.
11:44They have him hidden in a sanitarium outside the city.
11:48Then somebody else is bringing the formula to control.
11:50But who?
11:52In the ten days, the doctor's been in the sanitarium.
11:56His wife has not visited him once.
11:58Interesting, no?
12:00Of course, his wife.
12:02Who else would he trust with the formula?
12:05Inform Bolheim.
12:06He's to notify us the second the doctor's wife attempts to contact the chief.
12:10Then we will abduct her and bring her here
12:12and torture the formula out of her.
12:15Exactly.
12:16But how will Bolheim know her?
12:18We don't know what she looks like.
12:20The doctor is 62 years old.
12:23I would say it's safe to assume his wife is in her late fifties.
12:29Mother!
12:39So she said, why not?
12:45Well, how is the greeting card business coming along these days?
12:49The greeting card business?
12:50Oh, fine.
12:52Just fine.
12:53Well, let me tell you,
12:54you're a lucky man to have a salesman like my son-in-law working for you.
12:59It was a wonderful dinner, 99.
13:00Just wonderful.
13:01Oh, I'm so glad you liked it, chief.
13:03My mother gave me the recipe.
13:0599's mother is an excellent cook, chief.
13:08Oh, I wouldn't say excellent.
13:10Superb, maybe.
13:12Mother just loves to cook.
13:14Yes, I do love to cook.
13:15But unfortunately, I have no one to cook for anymore since my husband, since he, since
13:22he died.
13:25Well, why don't you two get acquainted and we'll do the dishes?
13:28Oh, that's a great idea, 99.
13:30Chief and I haven't had a good talk for a long time.
13:32I meant the chief and mom, Max.
13:34You and I can do the dishes.
13:35Oh.
13:36Oh, well, 99, why don't I give you a hand with the dishes?
13:39No, no, no, no, no, chief.
13:41Why don't you just relax and stay here with mom and you two can get better acquainted.
13:49This is just like being at home.
13:51I have these neighbors, Hazel and Lester, you know, and they come to my house for dinner
13:55and I go to their house for dinner and it's just so nice because it just kind of fills in
13:59those empty spaces now that my little girl has married and left home.
14:07Well, what do you think, Max?
14:08Oh, well, the lamb was a little spicy, but the Brussels sprouts were absolutely perfect.
14:13No, Max.
14:14I mean, how do you think mom and the chief are getting along?
14:17Oh, well, it's a little too early to tell 99.
14:19Why?
14:20Yes, well, you see, your mother is at a big disadvantage.
14:23What's that?
14:25Well, she's not exactly a pretty woman and she's a little on the heavy side and she doesn't
14:29have the greatest figure in the world.
14:30To get right down to it, 99, she's short, fat and wheezes along.
14:34Are you trying to tell me that my mother's unattractive?
14:37Now, where in the world would you get an idea like that?
14:39I mean, and of course not.
14:40I love your mother.
14:41I think she's a great woman.
14:42I think she's terrific.
14:43It's just that I don't want you to get your hopes up.
14:46Well, why not?
14:47Well, because after the chief has been going out with that big, voluptuous, beautiful Greek
14:52girl.
14:52I mean, your mother is a little bit of a, she's like a...
14:56A letdown.
14:57So I said to Hazel, if you feel that you need a bigger house, there's no reason why you shouldn't
15:02have it.
15:02After all, Lester's doing very well these days and there's no reason why you shouldn't
15:06have the things you want.
15:07You've been a wonderful wife.
15:08You've been a marvelous mother.
15:10You've made him very happy all these years and there's no reason why you shouldn't keep
15:13on making...
15:14Why, if you have the...
15:15Are you going to have another drink?
15:18It's only my fifth.
15:19Don't you mean your sixth?
15:20Do you usually drink this much?
15:25I don't drink at all.
15:29I'm not boring you, am I?
15:30No.
15:31No, you go right ahead.
15:33I have an appointment in a little while.
15:35You go on.
15:35You're talking about Alma and Archie.
15:37You have had a lot to drink.
15:39It's Hazel and Lester.
15:40I'm perfectly sober.
15:42It was Alma and Archie.
15:43Hazel and Lester.
15:45Alma and Archie.
15:47Hazel and Lester.
15:48Alma and...
15:49It sounds to me like they're getting to know each other pretty fast.
16:09Greg, take back what I said about your mother night-night.
16:11She's a tiger.
16:19Chief, what happened?
16:24Are you all right?
16:24Where's my mother?
16:25I was hit by a blackjack.
16:27Your mother hit him over the head with a blackjack?
16:31Max, my mother wouldn't do a thing like that.
16:34Her mother wouldn't do a thing like that?
16:36You sure it wasn't a gun butt?
16:38Chaos probably thinks that your mother has the formula and they've kidnapped her.
16:42What formula?
16:43Well, I couldn't tell you this before, but...
16:46Well, that girl that I've been seeing is actually the wife of the famous Greek scientist Dr. Aris Papanikolini.
16:53Chief, don't tell me you've been going out with a married woman.
16:56Max, the romance was only a cover to throw chaos off the track.
16:59Each time we were together, she was actually dictating her husband's formula to me.
17:03Oh, really?
17:04What formula is that?
17:06The most important discovery ever made by man, but we don't have time to discuss that right now.
17:11Chaos will probably torture your mother when they find out they've made a mistake, they might kill her.
17:14Max, my mother!
17:16Don't worry, 99. I'll get your mother out of this.
17:18I'll come with you.
17:19They've probably taken her to Chaos headquarters.
17:21You two get started and I'll order an all-out control raid.
17:23Aren't you coming with us?
17:25I have to get the rest of the formula from Gina.
17:27You two go ahead and I'll be there as soon as I can.
17:29Hurry, Max.
17:36Control is the chief.
17:37I want to order a blue emergency alert immediately.
17:40Oh, hurry, Max.
17:4499, they've locked us in.
17:46Well, Max, do something.
17:48Stand back, 99.
17:56It's no good, 99. Somebody must have put something up against the door.
17:59Max, your foot!
18:06All right, we are here.
18:18Now, let me in on the gag. Is this a surprise party or something?
18:21We had you blindfolded so you would not see where you were being taken.
18:24Oh, I wouldn't have known anyway. I'm a stranger in town.
18:29Oh, what a lovely place you have here.
18:31Madam, you don't seem to realize it, but you have been kidnapped.
18:37Me? Kidnapped?
18:38Now I know you have me mixed up with somebody else. I haven't got any money.
18:42We want the formula.
18:43What formula?
18:44The formula given to you by your husband in Greece.
18:47Greece?
18:48Oh, now I know who you have me mixed up with.
18:52Jacqueline Kennedy.
18:53You know you're not the first.
18:55Well, now that we know it's all a big mistake, if you'll just call me a cab, I'll be on my way.
19:00Sit.
19:01Now!
19:04We want the formula.
19:06Look, it's a long time since my daughter was a baby. Who remembers the formula?
19:10Is she putting us on?
19:11Madam, you obviously don't realize the serious predicament you are in.
19:16We belong to chaos.
19:18Really?
19:19My husband was a mason.
19:21Madam, in our business, we think nothing of murdering, killing, and slaughtering.
19:25Oh, how did you get started in a life like that?
19:28I'll bet you stole the car.
19:29Put her on the rack.
19:32Is that a real gun?
19:33Of course it's a real gun.
19:34Well, you shouldn't point that at somebody. Don't you know it might go off by accident?
19:38If this gun goes off, it won't be by accident. Now come to the rack.
19:41Now get on it.
19:44It's dirty.
19:45Get on it!
19:46This is my new dress.
19:48Get on the rack!
19:50Oh!
19:50Isn't that cute, the way you did that?
19:53What are you doing, you silly man?
19:56For heaven's sake!
19:58Oh, well, this will be life.
20:00My goodness.
20:02Now, for the last time, do we get the formula?
20:06I'll tell you what you're going to get.
20:08A smack in the face in a lawsuit is what you're going to get.
20:13Ah!
20:14Ah!
20:15Ah!
20:18Ow!
20:19Ow!
20:21Ow!
20:22Ow!
20:23It's enough.
20:25Oh, that felt good.
20:28That loosened me up all over.
20:30Have you got a steam room?
20:32My dear lady, if you do not tell us what we wish to know, I will have you torn apart limb from limb
20:38until you scream your head off for mercy.
20:42I'll bet you're a Gemini.
20:45Look, gentlemen, I don't know what it is you're looking for,
20:48but I think it's only fair to tell you that my son-in-law is a very important man
20:51with a greeting card company, and he can get you in a lot of trouble.
20:55His name is Maxwell Smart, and if you think that...
20:57Maxwell Smart is your son-in-law?
21:00You heard of him, huh?
21:01And you are not the wife of Dr. Papa Nicolini?
21:04No.
21:05But if he isn't married, I'd like to meet him.
21:13What do you think?
21:14I think we've made a terrible mistake.
21:17Huh.
21:18That young girl the chief has been seeing so often.
21:20She must be the wife of the doctor.
21:23Right under our noses, she's been feeding him the formula.
21:26Yes, and we must stop her before she can complete it.
21:28What about Smart's mother-in-law?
21:31Get rid of her.
21:35All right, hold it.
21:37Son, we were just talking about you.
21:39Mother, are you all right?
21:40Oh, I never felt better.
21:42As soon as I get home, I'm going to order one of these tables.
21:44All right, now put up your hands and turn around slowly.
21:47Come on, turn around.
21:48All right, now throw that gun over here.
22:05Why are those men fighting with Max?
22:07Oh, uh, they're from a rival greeting card company.
22:11I had no idea the competition was so fierce in the greeting card company.
22:21Don't get overheated, son.
22:26Hold it.
22:27All right, hold it.
22:32Get up.
22:38Good work, Larrabee.
22:39All right, let's get him out of here, Henderson.
22:41Come on, 99, let's get out of here.
22:43Right, Max.
22:48Max?
22:48My mother.
22:49Oh, sorry.
22:50Good night, Mom.
22:51Max.
22:53Huh?
22:54Aren't you going to unchain her?
22:57Max?
22:57I'm thinking.
22:59Yes.
23:00Oh, okay.
23:03Son, I'm not one to pry, but don't you think you could find something a little safer than
23:07the greeting card business?
23:10You mean that the computer dating service was in on this too, Chief?
23:14That's right, Max.
23:15It was all part of the plan.
23:16Dr. Papa Nicolini was working on a formula for eternal youth.
23:21Eternal youth?
23:22Well, no wonder they wanted the formula.
23:25They'd have given it to their oldest and most experienced agents and made them young again.
23:29We should have known you were on an assignment, Chief.
23:31I mean, after all, you're too intelligent to go out with a girl that's young enough to
23:35be your daughter.
23:35Well, actually, Gina is somewhat older than she looks.
23:39She is?
23:40Gina Papa Nicolini is 67 years old.
23:43You ought to be ashamed of yourself, going out with an old bag like that.
23:49I'ma!
23:50Oh, my God!
23:52Oh, my God!
24:00Oh, my God!
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