Murder, theft and romance. All in a rest home for elderly actors?
Starring Googie Withers, Wendy Hiller, Michael Denison and Jimmy Jewel, rest is the last thing on anyone's mind in John Graham's sparkling comedy.
Set in Rosewood Hall, a theatrical retirement home, confused resident Edith is convinced one of her fellow residents has been murdered.
But like Juliet, who she played in her prime, she meets a somewhat sad and tragic end. Snooty Dorothy loses a bracelet, ex-variety-turn Bernard gets offered some work and thrice-married Anthony is getting hitched again.
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in 1991.
Producer: Glyn Dearman
Do you enjoy the variety on Oldtuberadio?
Like, Share and Subscribe to be notified of our new shows
#radio #crime #thriller #drama
To Support this channel please visit
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/oldtuberadio
https://ko-fi.com/oldtuberadio98
https://www.patreon.com/oldtuberadio
https://locals.com/Oldtuberadio
Starring Googie Withers, Wendy Hiller, Michael Denison and Jimmy Jewel, rest is the last thing on anyone's mind in John Graham's sparkling comedy.
Set in Rosewood Hall, a theatrical retirement home, confused resident Edith is convinced one of her fellow residents has been murdered.
But like Juliet, who she played in her prime, she meets a somewhat sad and tragic end. Snooty Dorothy loses a bracelet, ex-variety-turn Bernard gets offered some work and thrice-married Anthony is getting hitched again.
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in 1991.
Producer: Glyn Dearman
Do you enjoy the variety on Oldtuberadio?
Like, Share and Subscribe to be notified of our new shows
#radio #crime #thriller #drama
To Support this channel please visit
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/oldtuberadio
https://ko-fi.com/oldtuberadio98
https://www.patreon.com/oldtuberadio
https://locals.com/Oldtuberadio
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Resting by John Graham
00:07With Wendy Hiller as Edith, Googie Withers as Dorothy,
00:11Michael Denison as Anthony, and Jimmy Jewell as Bernard.
00:18Resting
00:19You're the new vicar. Do come in.
00:30Yes, I heard our other vicar had been transported or transformed or something.
00:36Please sit down.
00:38Transferred, that's the word.
00:41Well, you look very young, Mr. Lawrence,
00:44but then everyone seems to look young nowadays, policemen, milkmen.
00:48Yes, clergymen too.
00:51Your predecessor came here to Rosewood Hall regularly to have a chat with us all.
00:56He used to say to me, Dorothy, he used to say,
00:58it's a pleasure and a privilege talking to you.
01:02But he never mentioned God.
01:05Well, you church people never do nowadays, do you?
01:08I suppose as far as old folks like us are concerned,
01:11talking about God might be rather too near the knuckle.
01:13Not that I consider myself old or far from it, thank you very much.
01:20I came here to Rosewood Hall to rest, you see.
01:23But I haven't retired.
01:25Oh, no, no, no, awful.
01:27Actors and actresses never retire.
01:29We're all just resting in this lovely house.
01:33If I were offered a part in a play tomorrow, I would jump at it.
01:40Anyway, as I said, I'm here to rest.
01:43But I can assure you, Mr. Lawrence, I have no intention of dying here.
01:49When I say Rosewood Hall is a lovely house,
01:53it does leave a lot to be desired.
01:56Our rooms are very small, as you can see,
01:58and there's always a howling gale in the corridors, even in the summer.
02:03However, we all had champagne today.
02:08I had two glasses.
02:10Matron said to me, Dorothy, she said, Dorothy, have another.
02:13Well, do you good.
02:15Champagne is routine here when somebody dies.
02:19One of us, I mean, one of us residents.
02:22Matron opens as a champagne and then peaches and cream at lunchtime.
02:27I believe the trustees started this champagne and peaches tradition.
02:33Matron says it's a nice gesture.
02:35I say it's bloody macabre.
02:37Oh, I'm sorry, Vicar, but that's how I feel about it.
02:40Quite macabre.
02:41But others may not share my view.
02:44Hello.
02:46Sit down, please.
02:47Call me Bernard, Vicar.
02:49Oh, I'm not one of your luck, but it's good to see a new face.
02:52Oh, yes.
02:53Not too bad here, I suppose, but a lot of the residents,
02:55well, they do sort of look down on me.
02:58Oh, yes.
03:00Not because I am knee-high to a jam-pot,
03:02but because I was on the variety stage.
03:05The others here talk about their days at the Old Vic
03:07and the verse plays they did at the Arce Theatre.
03:11Verse plays, I said to Dorothy once.
03:13Verse plays?
03:15What a bundle of laughing at a verse play, I said.
03:17Well, Dorothy gave me that look of hers.
03:21Bernard, she said.
03:23The variety theatre is not the real theatre.
03:28Look, Dorothy, I said.
03:30The trouble with you is you never played Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night.
03:35It's not just hard work.
03:37It's hard labour.
03:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:40And I'm not joking, Vicar.
03:42But not to grumble, I mean.
03:44Why grumble?
03:46We're all well looked out of here.
03:48Matron, not a bad old crow.
03:50She's a trained nurse.
03:52Ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:53You can always tell a nurse, but you can't tell her much.
03:56Ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:00Ah, well.
04:02We had champagne today.
04:04Wilford this time.
04:05Poor old Wilford.
04:06His greatest claim to fame was that he worked during the war with Ivan Avella,
04:12dancing in an Ivan Avella musical.
04:14I said to him,
04:16You, Wilford, a dancer?
04:18Well, you know, what kind of favour to wait?
04:21Ah, Bernard, he said to me.
04:23I was slim in those days, with wavy hair.
04:27And I was, well, rather pretty.
04:30Poor Wilford.
04:32Still had wavy hair, but it wasn't the hair that God gave him.
04:35I wonder if they'll bury him in his toupee.
04:40I hope so.
04:42He'll be very upset if they don't.
04:45Oh, by the way, have you met Anthony?
04:47In the room next door?
04:48Oh, you like him.
04:51Bright and breezy, I call him.
04:53Call a posh voice, you know, and whiles blazes.
04:55Ho, ho, ho, ho.
04:57One at a time, of course.
04:59Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
05:02Sit you down, Padre.
05:03Welcome to Rosewood Hall.
05:05Good to see someone from the outside world.
05:08Anthony's the name, and please call me Anthony.
05:11But never, never Tony.
05:14After all, no one ever talked about Tony and Cleopatra, did they?
05:17My knees are giving me a bit of trouble today.
05:22Matron says it's only arthritis.
05:24Only, I said.
05:25If that's all it is, I'd gladly share it with you.
05:29Matron tells me I should walk about more to loosen up.
05:32But who wants to walk about in these dreary gardens?
05:35I'd go and walk round the drawing room.
05:37But Dorothy's always there, searching her copy of the Times for the announcement of her CBE.
05:42No, too late now, Dorothy, oh love.
05:45You're forgotten like the rest of us.
05:48Dorothy never married.
05:50She's got no relatives.
05:51But in my opinion, she's lucky.
05:53I married three times too often, and have tons of relatives, and I don't want to have truck with any of them.
06:00Yes, Padre, we've all got to resign ourselves to the fact.
06:03We're all forgotten here, but not gone.
06:07I'm certainly forgotten.
06:08I'll tell you how I know.
06:10Until I came here, I was a member of the Garrick Club.
06:13Splendid club for actors and lawyers, mostly.
06:15You know it?
06:16Yes.
06:17Yes, all the actors there try to behave like lawyers, and all the legal gentlemen like actors.
06:22Well, I once heard two club members talking about me in the cloakroom there.
06:27One of them said,
06:28Is Anthony Baker still alive?
06:30And the other replied,
06:32Well, it wasn't the last time I worked with him.
06:36Oh, yes, we could be a bitchy lot in this profession.
06:39But in a way, that's all part of the fun.
06:42Dorothy now, her tongue is 85% acid.
06:45But I think it's because she suffers from ingrowing virginity.
06:49Oh, I'm sorry, Padre, but it's true.
06:53And then there's little Edith.
06:54Have you met her yet?
06:56Edith.
06:57Yes, she's a character.
06:58Yes, I'm Edith.
07:03Edith?
07:04Selby.
07:04Selby, yes.
07:05But aren't you a different clergyman?
07:09Oh, well, no matter, no matter.
07:10Do come in, Mr...
07:12Lawrence?
07:13Lawrence, do come in, yes.
07:14No.
07:15Oh, please, don't sit on my hats.
07:17I'll move them for you.
07:18Yes, the rooms are so small.
07:21It's difficult to keep them tidy.
07:23I'll offer you a biscuit in a moment, but please do, do, do sit down.
07:27Yes, I like having visitors.
07:30There aren't many these days, no.
07:32It's been very upsetting.
07:34Yes, one of our residents, Wilford, died.
07:39Yes.
07:40Now, Mr. Lawrence, I want you to meet my friend Cyril.
07:46Cyril?
07:47Hmm?
07:48My little bugger.
07:50Yes.
07:51Oh, he was having a nap, I think.
07:54I can't know, remember where he came from, but I am allowed to keep him in my room, although
08:00the rules clearly state no pets.
08:04But I think that only applies to cat and dog pets, yes.
08:08So many rules and regulations.
08:10I can't keep track of them all, no.
08:13Well, the only one I object to is the no smoking rule.
08:19Oh, yes.
08:20No smoking in the bedroom.
08:23Yes.
08:23Well, I'm rather fond of a cigarette, and that's a rule that I've broken more than once.
08:30Very naughty of me, isn't it?
08:35Yes.
08:35Matron said to me the last time, if you smoke in your bedroom just once more, Edith, you will
08:42be asked to leave.
08:44Hmm.
08:45Expelled.
08:47Hmm.
08:48Dorothy told, matron.
08:50Yes, she reported me.
08:52Hmm.
08:52I played Juliet, you see, at Stratford-upon-Avon.
08:57Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, yes.
09:00And that's why Dorothy is jealous.
09:03Yes.
09:03Now, where was I?
09:04Yes.
09:04Oh, Wilfred.
09:06Wilfred.
09:07Yes.
09:08He died, you know.
09:09Yes.
09:11Matron says it was his heart.
09:13And so do all the others.
09:16Even the doctor said it was a heart attack.
09:19Yes.
09:19But we know better.
09:22Don't we, Cyril?
09:23Hmm.
09:24You see, Wilfred was poisoned.
09:28Yes.
09:29Wilfred was murdered.
09:30But I'm telling you this in confidence.
09:34Now, please, don't pass it on to a soul.
09:38Not yet.
09:39No, not yet.
09:42Believe me, I am not complaining, matron.
09:46Life is much too short and precious to make trouble just for the sake of making trouble.
09:51But it's Edith again.
09:53No, no, no, no, matron, not smoking this time, as far as I know.
09:58But Edith has been waking up in the middle of the night and talking to that damned bird of hers.
10:04I sleep badly enough as it is, as we're all aware.
10:09But this is really too much.
10:11She talks to that budgie at three o'clock in the morning and then recites speeches from Romeo and Juliet.
10:18Well, to be more accurate, it's Juliet and Juliet.
10:22I wouldn't mind, but it's the same old speech.
10:26And three o'clock in the morning is much too early to listen to Shakespeare.
10:29I'm only asking you to have a word with her.
10:33Tactfully.
10:35Thank you, matron.
10:37I knew you'd help.
10:42But I've got to talk to someone, matron.
10:45And little Cyril gets lonely during the night.
10:48Oh, by the way, I know about Wilfred.
10:52Oh, yes, I do.
10:53I know everything.
10:54Oh, no, I don't mean I know he's dead.
10:57I know more than that.
10:58Oh, yes, I know all the sordid details.
11:02But I don't want to talk about it.
11:04No, not yet.
11:06Not yet.
11:06No.
11:07Oh, I played Juliet, you know, matron.
11:10And after one performance, I can't remember quite...
11:14No, I don't remember where it was.
11:15We were all lined up to meet the Duke of Windsor.
11:19Well, it was in the 30s, and he was the Prince of Wales then, of course.
11:22Yes, and he looked so boyish and so very charming.
11:25But I was surprised because he was so small.
11:28Neatly dressed, of course, but small.
11:31And very well groomed, yes.
11:35He became king, you know.
11:37And then he abdicated.
11:38Did you know that?
11:41Oh, yes, yes.
11:42He married that dreadful Mrs. Thompson.
11:48Oh, it's you, Joycey.
11:50Come in.
11:51I'll sit here out of your way, Joyce.
11:53You can just round me.
11:55Made me bed.
11:58Matron gave me the wood and the nails.
12:02Oh, well.
12:06That's an old gag, Joyce.
12:09Poor, Joyce.
12:11Deaf as opposed, but happy with it.
12:14Bit low this morning.
12:17Because of old Wilfred kicking bucket yesterday.
12:22Nearly midday, Joyce.
12:24Haven't had that phone call yet.
12:27Any minute now, though.
12:29Phone call important.
12:30Oh, never mind.
12:33Dorothy's a bit upset today.
12:37She's lost something.
12:40I said to her,
12:41Your sanity.
12:43She wasn't very pleased.
12:48Poor Wilfred.
12:51He was murdered, Cyril.
12:53Yes.
12:54His bedtime cocoa was poisoned.
12:58Oh, yes.
12:59Yes, Cyril, it's true.
13:01The socialists did it.
13:03Oh, yes.
13:04They want to get rid of us all.
13:05So that they can demolish Rosewood Hall
13:08and turn it into a supermarket.
13:11They're going to poison us all one by one.
13:14Yes, I know.
13:15But I have a plan.
13:18They won't get me.
13:20No, they won't poison me, Cyril.
13:23I pour my bedtime cocoa down the washbasin every night, don't I?
13:28I never liked cocoa anyway, whether it was poisoned or not.
13:36Of course I've searched my room, matron.
13:39Every corner.
13:40Under the bed, under the cupboards even.
13:42It's a very valuable bracelet.
13:45It's gold.
13:46And it's of great sentimental value.
13:49Gladys gave it to me before the war.
13:52Gladys Cooper.
13:53Darling Gladys.
13:55We were at a play together
13:56and she gave it the bracelet on the last night.
13:58Now it's gone.
14:00Well, it's been stolen.
14:02There's a thief in Rosewood Hall, matron.
14:05A common thief.
14:07There's simply no point in putting a notice on the notice board.
14:11Some people here can barely read.
14:14Others can't even see the notice board.
14:16I insist that the police be called in, matron.
14:19I'm sorry, but if you don't call the police, I will.
14:22I'm sorry.
14:26I'm sorry, but if you don't call the police, I will.
14:28Hello?
14:30Yes, this is Bernard speaking.
14:33No, Desmond, you haven't disturbed me.
14:35There's not much for me to do here except sit and think.
14:38Sometimes I just sit.
14:40I was expecting your call.
14:44What?
14:45It's all fixed?
14:46Oh, that's fine, Desmond.
14:48I'm very pleased to hear it.
14:50What?
14:50First, last post.
14:53Fine.
14:56You're grateful?
14:58Come on, Desmond.
15:00I'm the one who's grateful.
15:07Well, that's it then, Marion.
15:11Rosewood Hall.
15:12This is what your amorous Antony has descended to.
15:16It's wonderful to see you again, old girl.
15:22You look lovely.
15:25I'm sorry, but that's the only word that comes to mind.
15:29That woman has been visiting Antony a lot recently, Cyril.
15:35Why?
15:37Oh, she's not a relative.
15:39I asked Matron.
15:40No, no, she's not one of his ex-wives.
15:43I asked Antony himself.
15:45He wasn't pleased.
15:47Now, they've walked round the garden three times now.
15:56Good of you to take time to come and visit me yet again, Marion.
16:01Let's sit down, shall we?
16:03By the pond.
16:08Yes, I'm glad you've come back into my life, my dear.
16:13I should have married you.
16:16My trouble has always been in investing wisely and marrying foolishly.
16:21But my investments are irrelevant now.
16:23My wife's got the lot.
16:25All three of the darlings.
16:28But I've had a fair old life, really.
16:32Not to give up, that's the thing.
16:34Life is 98% anticipation.
16:38Anticipation.
16:40Anticipation.
16:41Cyril.
16:43Of course.
16:45I know who that woman with Antony is.
16:49She's one of the socialists.
16:52She's come here to size us all up.
16:55She's standing at the pond with Antony now.
17:00Oh, very odd.
17:02Very disturbing.
17:03Oh, no, she won't harm us, Cyril.
17:06No, I've worked it all out.
17:08We're going to be safe.
17:09Safe.
17:10Yes, safe.
17:11You and I.
17:12Now, we mustn't worry any more.
17:15Matron thinks that I just mislaid the bracelet.
17:19But I don't mislay things, officer.
17:21Some of the residents here don't know whether it's Wembley or Thursday.
17:25But I assure you, I have all my wits about me.
17:29And I know my gold bracelet has been stolen.
17:33They won't have locks on the doors, you see.
17:36It's too absurd.
17:37Just because someone tried to commit suicide years ago.
17:40And he'd locked the door of his room.
17:43As it happened, he was all right.
17:45Quite sad, in a way.
17:47He was an actor, of course.
17:48Clive, someone or another.
17:50He'd heard that dandelion leaves were poisonous.
17:53And when they broke into his room, they found him eating dandelion sandwiches.
17:58Anyway, I mustn't digress.
18:00Edith, in the room next door, is terribly confused.
18:04So I'm sure she hasn't the wit to steal a gold bracelet.
18:08Tarsom as she is.
18:10Well, then there's Joyce.
18:11The deaf girl from the village who comes in to clean.
18:13But she's been here for years.
18:15Is completely trustworthy.
18:17Well as being a recent Roman Catholic convert.
18:20Oh, I'm sure she didn't do it.
18:23Then, of course, there's Bernard.
18:26Yes, well.
18:28Bernard and I don't really get on.
18:31He's rather V.C. and C., as my late father used to say.
18:34V.C. and C.
18:35Vulgar, cheap and common.
18:37Bernard was on the variety stage.
18:39It was not the same thing as a legitimate theatre.
18:41Not by a long chalk.
18:44If you talk to Bernard about the West End,
18:46he thinks you're talking about Swan and Edgar's.
18:48Which is now closed, incidentally.
18:52I said to Matron, if you start letting variety people in here, where will it end?
18:57We'll be having circus acrobats here next.
19:01It's too frightful.
19:02You're a policeman.
19:08Well, officer, between ourselves,
19:13I don't believe Dorothy ever had a gold bracelet.
19:17I've never seen her wearing one.
19:19She has a string of pearls, which she flaunts around at Christmas time.
19:23But they're not real.
19:25No, I'm sure of that.
19:26But never mind about that bracelet nonsense.
19:30I've got something much more important to tell you, officer.
19:33Yes, now, I want you to listen very, very carefully.
19:37One of our residents, Wilfred, has just died.
19:42He was, and I'm being perfectly blunt, he was murdered.
19:47Yes.
19:48Not only was he murdered,
19:51but to put it another way,
19:53he was poisoned.
19:56Yes, I knew that would surprise you.
19:59It surprised me.
20:01He was poisoned by the socialists, you see.
20:06The socialists are going to poison us all
20:09in order to take possession of this house.
20:13Yes, they'll demolish it and turn it into a supermarket.
20:18And another thing.
20:19A few weeks ago,
20:20there was a man here with a measuring tape.
20:24I asked Matron what he was doing,
20:26and she said he was estimating for a new stair carpet.
20:29Well, that didn't convince me for half a second.
20:32I just knew he was a socialist architect or surveyor.
20:36Probably both.
20:37And one of our other residents, Antony,
20:41has been having visitations.
20:45No, no.
20:46This is from a woman.
20:50She must be one of those awful socialists,
20:53and I wouldn't be at all surprised if Antony were to find himself drowned in that pond one day soon.
20:58Now, please, please, will you tell your superiors all that I've said?
21:05I'd be most grateful.
21:07Yes, most grateful.
21:08Yes.
21:08Oh, may I press you to a cigarette?
21:11They're not a fire hazard during the day.
21:15Somebody told me.
21:18Oh.
21:19Missing bracelet, eh?
21:20Well, I know nothing about it, officer.
21:23That reminds me of the helicopter story.
21:24Know it, eh?
21:25The lady shoplifter who was arrested by the store detective,
21:29and she didn't know the helicopter.
21:31Oh, well.
21:32Go back to the second house.
21:35I've never seen Dorothy wearing a gold bracelet.
21:38To tell you the truth, officer,
21:40she's a real old snobbish, Dorothy.
21:43She always looks at me as if she's about to give me a tip.
21:46Like the rest of them.
21:47She lives in past.
21:49Now, me.
21:50I'm different.
21:51I'm not a has-been who's been put out to grass.
21:53Oh, dear me, no.
21:54Well, I've been asked to play a part in a new television series.
21:59New soap opera about a hospital.
22:01And if it's a success,
22:02I'll be able to move out of this mortuary.
22:05Oh.
22:06Why would I want Dorothy's bracelet?
22:10I tell you this much,
22:11I haven't been interviewed by a policeman since the 1950s.
22:15I was exceeding the speed limit on the Great North Road.
22:19One of my ex-wives was after me.
22:23And not for my body, for my money.
22:26Now, I'm afraid I can't help you.
22:28I don't know anything about Dorothy's necklace or bracelet or whatever it is.
22:33Sorry, old son.
22:35Dorothy thinks she's the star of Rosewood Hall.
22:37Oh, she's got ideas.
22:39Oh, de suite de sagar.
22:41Oh, my.
22:43Above her station.
22:47Her bracelet will turn up.
22:48Mark, my words.
22:50The trouble with this place is we've all been together too long.
22:53We've nothing to say to each other anymore.
22:55It's like being in a rehearsal room for years without a show to do at the end of it.
23:00The end of it is the final curtain.
23:04Those of us who are left get a glass of champagne.
23:07When I take my first sip, I wonder with a little chill who will be next.
23:12I have a second glass, and I know it's going to be someone else.
23:16A third glass, and I don't even care.
23:21The socialists won't get us, Cyril.
23:23Oh, no, I've worked it out all very carefully.
23:26We'll go to London, and we'll stay with Raymond.
23:30Yes.
23:31Oh, now you don't know Raymond.
23:34No, he was that nice boy with white teeth.
23:38He was acting in a musical at Drury Lane Theatre when I first met him.
23:42Oh, years ago.
23:43Yes, yes.
23:44No, I haven't heard from him for a long time,
23:47but he's got a lovely flat with lots and lots of spare room.
23:51Well, I'll start packing in the morning.
23:54Yes, packing in the morning.
23:57Yes.
23:59But I suppose it's morning now.
24:01Well, where's my clock?
24:04Oh, yes.
24:05In front of me.
24:08Oh, it's just after four.
24:10Ten past.
24:11Oh, silly me.
24:13Silly me.
24:17Jesus, you have come to me for hours, please.
24:22I'm sorry.
24:24Dorothy, I'm sorry.
24:25I couldn't help it.
24:28I'm sorry.
24:29California.
24:34Those were the days, Marion.
24:37Seems like another world now.
24:40I never told my then wife about you when I came home from Hollywood.
24:45Never told her you and I were accepted as a couple out there.
24:49And we were a couple of lusty youngsters, weren't we?
24:54Young Antony and the glamorous Marion.
24:58You're still so beautiful, but for me, I'm an arthritic ex-actor hurtling towards my eighties.
25:08These days, my back goes out more often than I do.
25:11Now, Matron, I assure you, the police are not remotely interested in my missing bracelet.
25:19It's quite disgraceful.
25:21And if I had time, I'd write to someone about it.
25:23They're far too busy with parking offences and chasing lager lads.
25:29And another thing.
25:30I'm not complaining, but what are we to do about Edith?
25:34Yes, Matron Edith.
25:36She woke me up again at four o'clock in the morning, talking to that unhygienic budger-y girl.
25:43In the end, I had to go into her room and insist she kept quiet.
25:47She said she was packing.
25:49Where on earth does she imagine she's going to?
25:52Where?
25:55Hello?
25:57Theatre Royal, Drury Lane?
26:00Oh, yes.
26:02Yes, you can help me.
26:03No, no, I don't want tickets, thank you.
26:08No, I'm trying to trace a friend of mine called Raymond.
26:15What?
26:16What?
26:17Oh, no, no.
26:19He's not on your staff.
26:21He's more of a singer and dancer.
26:24Yes, I want to speak to him urgently before the socialists poison me.
26:30What?
26:30Yes, that is exactly what I said.
26:35But between ourselves, I always pour the cocoa down the washbasin and...
26:41Hello?
26:43Hello, are you there?
26:45Oh, we've been cut off, I think.
26:50Normally, I don't ever come into the lounge, Anthony.
26:53But after lunch, I like a quiet half hour here.
26:55It helps the digestion.
26:57All the others chipping in their rooms, it's peaceful here at this time.
27:01So, as I was saying, Anthony, my script will be arriving tomorrow.
27:04Series is called City Hospital, and the director is a friend of mine, Desmond.
27:08I knew him when he was a young stage manager.
27:10He wrote to me and said,
27:11Glad I've tracked you down, Bernard.
27:13I hope you haven't retired.
27:14I rang him up at home, I did.
27:17Retired, I said.
27:17You must be joking.
27:19Oh, I'm having a little rest here, I grant you.
27:22But I am as good as ever.
27:24Desmond said he'd send me the script, and if I wanted to play the part, I was more than welcome.
27:29Desmond, I said, it's going to be a new lease of life for me.
27:33So, to tell you the truth, I've never fitted in here, Anthony.
27:38Anthony?
27:40Where's he gone?
27:43He didn't hear the word I said.
27:44Typical in this place.
27:49Now, now, matron, don't be alarmed.
27:50I haven't come to complain about the food.
27:53Although the hottest item in today's lunch was the jelly.
27:57You'll be amazed to hear, matron, that I'm leaving.
28:00Getting married.
28:02Again.
28:04Marion's a widow, and has a cottage near Goddory.
28:08Oh, I know neither of us is in the first flush of youth.
28:11In my case, I'm no longer in the last flush of middle age.
28:15But we love each other, and Marion says she's willing to put up with me if I prune her roses and help with the washing up.
28:22An offer I couldn't refuse.
28:25Although I know nothing about roses, and even less, thank God, about washing up.
28:30The main thing is, I'm still breathing.
28:35By the way, how is Edith?
28:38I heard you had to send for the doctor.
28:39But there's nothing the matter with me, doctor.
28:43Nothing.
28:44I don't know why matron put me to bed and sent for you.
28:48No, it was just a dizzy spell.
28:52I think it was the haddock I had at lunchtime.
28:56I don't know what they put in the fish nowadays.
28:59Oh, but of course.
29:01Oh, of course, the fish.
29:03Oh, doctor, it's obvious.
29:05They poisoned the fish.
29:07Yes, the socialists did it.
29:09I thought it would be hung to me, pushed into the goldfish pond.
29:14Oh, but it's me.
29:16But what's this?
29:17What's doctor?
29:19Pills?
29:20Well, they're not drugs, are they?
29:23Are they, doctor?
29:24Oh, very well, then.
29:26Oh, no, I'll take them, but just two.
29:28Only two.
29:28Oh, thank you.
29:36I wrote to Buckingham Palace, you know, to the Queen some time ago,
29:40and I told her all about the socialists.
29:44I also mentioned that I played Juliet.
29:47Well, I added it as a postscript just to cheer her up.
29:51She has such a hard life, poor girl.
29:54Well, I shall be safe with Raymond up in London.
29:58Yes.
29:59He'll take me away early in the morning before it's light.
30:03Yes, or, well, in the evening before it's dark.
30:06Yes, yes, I...
30:07Oh, dear me, I didn't offer you a biscuit, did I, doctor?
30:11And I'll wear the tin.
30:12Yes, the tin's on the mantelpiece, I think.
30:14Yes, beside my shoes.
30:15No, no, no, I'm not feeling ill, matron, not exactly.
30:21It's just that my nerves are in shreds.
30:24I'm always simply riddled with nerves when anything unpleasant happens.
30:28I can't sleep.
30:29I lie awake here wondering where my bracelet is.
30:33And now Edith being ill.
30:35I can't sleep because she's not banging about in her room all night.
30:39The silence is so depressing.
30:42Oh, I know Edith and I don't really hit it off,
30:45but I wouldn't want anything to happen to her.
30:49She can be quite sweet at times.
30:52Last Christmas she gave me two handkerchiefs.
30:55Small ones.
30:57I mean, I'm sure she's not really ill.
31:00A touch of indigestion, probably.
31:04If Edith has taken my bracelet, I'm sure it was a mistake.
31:10It was just a dizzy spell, wasn't it?
31:13Wasn't it, matron?
31:16Falling, Joyce.
31:17Ah, post arrived.
31:19Now let me see.
31:21Yes.
31:22This is it.
31:22My script at last.
31:23My script.
31:24Oh, Joyce.
31:26This envelope is my passport to the outside world.
31:31Things are looking up for both of us, Bernard, old boy.
31:34You're about to be launched into a new television career,
31:37and I'm getting married again, for the fourth time.
31:41And I'll be the first to say that's nothing to be proud of.
31:45For this one will be the last and most successful.
31:48My first three were unmitigated disasters, old son.
31:53My first wife, who shall be nameless, had a fling with the hotel manager on our honeymoon, would you believe.
31:59He wore a navy blue suit and brown shoes.
32:03I think that offended me more than anything.
32:06My second wife decided to become a lesbian.
32:09Ran off with a spotty girl in boots.
32:12Boots the chemist, I mean.
32:14That didn't suit at all.
32:16As far as women are concerned with me, it's straight up and down the wicket, with no fancy drives to cover.
32:23My third wife, that bitch in Wiltshire, she's still alive, bless her,
32:28wears twin sets and pearls and carries sensible handbags,
32:33and is married to a wealthy landowner who breeds pigs.
32:37But Marion, she's different.
32:39I love her.
32:40After the wedding, we'll have a party.
32:43And we'll invite you, Bernard, if you can get away from your TV rehearsals.
32:48Bernard, what's the matter?
32:51Have I said something?
32:52I've just been droning on and on, but there's no need to...
32:56Well, there's no need for tears.
33:00What have I said?
33:02If I've upset you, then I'm sorry.
33:04Yes, Desmond, the script has arrived, and that's why I'm calling you.
33:12It's a diabolic liberty, Desmond.
33:14I've read through the script twice.
33:16I've got no lines.
33:17I just lie in a hospital bed for two scenes, and in the third scene, I've knocked it.
33:20It's an insult, Desmond, and I don't want to do it.
33:23You can take your series, have the script, and you can...
33:26What?
33:27You thought you were doing me a favour?
33:29Oh, listen, Desmond.
33:30Desmond, I don't need favours.
33:32I may be living in Rosewood Hall, but I've got lots of irons in the fire.
33:36I've got plenty of scripts to consider, up in my room.
33:39There's a film and a stage play I might do, and...
33:43What?
33:43You didn't realise?
33:45Well, you realise it now, don't you, Desmond?
33:47I'm not a bit part player.
33:49I don't play non-speaking dead bodies.
33:52What?
33:52No, I'm sorry.
33:54I won't reconsider.
33:55Goodbye, Desmond.
33:55I'm glad you're doing so well, too, Desmond.
34:04Matron, naturally I'm pleased that Edith has made a good recovery, but I don't think that she should go to Wilfred's funeral.
34:12It'll be much too much for her.
34:14She was moving about in her room all last night again.
34:17I knocked on the wall, but she just kept saying, come in.
34:20This is a residential home, not a clinic for them mentally disturbed.
34:27Quite frankly, Matron, I think she'd be much happier somewhere else.
34:31Why can't she be transferred to somewhere more suitable, so that she can be with her own kind and given tranquilisers?
34:41Mind you, she's always been difficult and so conceited, just because she once played Juliet.
34:48I remember one of the critics said she performed like a demented Shetland pony.
34:55Anyway, I'll wear black for Wilfred's funeral with white accessories.
35:02There's no call to be too gloomy.
35:04I'd have worn my bracelet, although there's simply no hope of that.
35:09Hello?
35:12Hello?
35:13Raymond?
35:15Oh, at last.
35:17Yes, this is Edith speaking.
35:20Now, I'm all packed, yes, and I'm ready.
35:23And I want you to come and take me up to London in your motor car.
35:27I'm going to Wilfred's funeral tomorrow, but if you can collect me on Thursday night, I'd be most grateful.
35:34I'll wait in the garden.
35:35Yes, hello?
35:36No?
35:38Pizza?
35:39What?
35:44Well, Marion, Wilfred's funeral was, to put it mildly, a fiasco.
35:51Matron took a few of us in her car up to time to the crematorium, but we got held up in the traffic and arrived late.
35:57Very.
35:58We were about to go into the chapel when Dorothy said she'd left her spectacles in the car.
36:02She said she didn't really need them, but if there was a hymn sheet for Wilfred's service, the least she could do was to see it.
36:08By the time my knees loosened up and Dorothy's spectacles had been found and Edith, who kept wandering off, was brought back, we were even later for the service.
36:19We reached the chapel and found seats in a pew at the back.
36:22I looked around and saw, well, quite a crowd, a full house, you might say.
36:29We didn't know Wilfred had so many friends.
36:33Suddenly I heard the clergyman say, she spent many years of devoted service to the Girl Guide movement.
36:40Odd, I thought, Wilfred never mentioned that part of his career.
36:45Matron was puzzled, so were Dorothy and Bernard.
36:48Edith, well, she was just eating a biscuit.
36:50Then I realised we were in the wrong chapel.
36:54We later found out there were three chapels at the crematorium.
36:57So we stood up again and crept out quietly into the sunshine.
37:01Matron was furious.
37:02She blamed Dorothy, the traffic, the crematorium and the government.
37:06Dorothy blamed Matron, the deceased Wilfred and me.
37:08When we got to the other chapel, the right one, we were too late.
37:12Wilfred's service had finished.
37:15When we got back here, Matron had to lie down for a couple of hours in a darkened room.
37:21Oh, yes, Marion, a fiasco.
37:24But it was an outing.
37:28What I'm really looking forward to is my next outing.
37:33Yes, ours, to the registrar.
37:36You're marrying an ageing ham, Marion.
37:41But I promise you this.
37:43With you, I'll never be too old to feel younger.
37:49Well, Matron, yes, of course it's my bracelet.
37:53The undertaker returned it with Wilfred's things.
37:56The undertaker.
37:57So Wilfred took it and was wearing it.
38:03Well, that sort of thing doesn't worry me.
38:06It doesn't amount to a row of beans in the theatre.
38:09He just fancied it in his peculiar way and borrowed it for a while.
38:15Gladys wouldn't have minded.
38:17Gladys Cooper, you know.
38:18She gave it to me.
38:19Gladys never knew her lines in that play.
38:22Somerset Maugham wrote it.
38:23Came to the first night.
38:24Gladys made it all up as she went along.
38:27Somerset Maugham said he enjoyed it very much and wished he'd written it.
38:33Very caustic.
38:35Very pithy, I thought.
38:38Why didn't Wilfred just ask?
38:41I'd have given it to him.
38:43Funny thing is, it doesn't seem to matter now.
38:46Well, incidentally, matron, I thought Edith's hat was most unsuitable for the funeral.
38:53Most unsuitable.
38:55Oh, it's so cold out here, Sarah.
39:04Oh, it's so cold.
39:08No sign of young Raymond.
39:11But any minute now, yes.
39:13But of course, Raymond won't be so young anymore.
39:20No.
39:20Oh, he was the same age as me, Cyril.
39:24Oh, oh.
39:27So cold.
39:30Oh, hello.
39:32Oh, Deadman.
39:33It's me, Bernard.
39:35Good morning.
39:37Hope it's not too early, but I've, er...
39:39I've been having second thoughts, Desmond.
39:42Er, just a minute.
39:43They're, er...
39:45carrying one of the old girls, taking her in from the garden.
39:49Hello?
39:49Hello?
39:50Yeah, well, as I was saying, Desmond, I've, er...
39:54I've had second thoughts about your script.
40:01Raymond?
40:04Is that you, Raymond?
40:07Oh, I knew you'd come.
40:09I knew you'd come and take me away.
40:12Oh, it's not... not Raymond.
40:14It's Mr. Lawrence, isn't it?
40:18Yes, the nice vicar, yes.
40:24Friar Lawrence.
40:26What if it be a poison, which the Friar subtly hath ministered to have me dead?
40:36Oh, I knew you'd come and...
40:37Oh, doctor.
40:41Oh, you're here, too, I...
40:44But I'm not ill, doctor.
40:46No, I'm...
40:47I'm just tired.
40:51I'm so very tired.
40:52Yes, I played Juliet.
40:56I went with a play to Cairo.
41:00We acted the whole thing in the king's palace there.
41:03The king wanted to buy me.
41:05Yes, to buy me.
41:07It's true.
41:08Oh, it has been such fun.
41:13Oh, such fun.
41:19I'm just a little sleepy, matron, that's all.
41:24You gave me two glasses of champagne, you know.
41:28Well, it was for Edith.
41:31Silly, silly Edith.
41:33God knows why she'd been sitting in the garden all night.
41:39I'll miss her.
41:40I'll miss Edith dreadfully.
41:46But I'll look after the budgie matron.
41:49I'll be company for him.
41:51And I have the bracelet again, my gold bracelet.
41:55But, you know, I don't believe it's real gold.
41:59Doesn't matter, though, does it?
42:02Well, did I ever show you this photo of my father?
42:05He was a soldier.
42:07Well, not just a soldier.
42:09A major.
42:10Daddy, I want to be an actress.
42:14An actress?
42:16A profession.
42:18An obsession.
42:20And a life.
42:24But is that all there is?
42:28I can tell you this, matron.
42:29I've no intention of dying here.
42:32Antony's wedding next month.
42:34I've had an invitation.
42:35So I'll have to go.
42:37Registry office.
42:38Well, naturally.
42:40Couldn't be a church affair.
42:41Not with his track record.
42:43The new resident has moved into Edith's room, I believe.
42:48She knew Gladys Cooper, too.
42:50Not well, of course.
42:52We never acted in a play with her.
42:54But we'll have something to talk about.
42:56But she coughs.
42:59If she coughs in the night, I'll have to knock on the wall.
43:02Yes, I'll have to be very firm.
43:04Right from the start.
43:06Yes.
43:08I'll look forward to it.
43:10I'll enjoy that.
43:11Oh, no, no, no, no.
43:13The wedding, I mean.
43:15Antony's wedding.
43:18Cyril.
43:19A most unsuitable name for a bird.
43:23I'll soon change that.
43:27Yes.
43:29Lots to look forward to.
Be the first to comment