- 2 weeks ago
In this episode, Herman accidentally reveals a secret about his co-worker Louise, which sets off a chain reaction of spilled secrets and mounting resentment among his colleagues.
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00:00This is Herman Brooks. Herman is just like the rest of us. Every day he has to make all kinds of decisions. Like what to wear, whom to date, and when to panic.
00:19Now these decisions should be easy, but if you take a look inside Herman's head, you'll see why he sometimes has trouble making up his mind.
00:30I'm Herman's intellect. Without me, he couldn't hold his job, pay his rent, or tie his shoes.
00:35I'm Herman's sensitivity. Without me, he wouldn't feel tenderness, honesty, or love. The good things in life.
00:42I'm Herman's anxiety, and I keep him out of trouble. And believe me, there's trouble everywhere.
00:48I'm Herman's lust. Without me, he'd miss out on all the good stuff. You know, fun, food, babes.
00:53Sometimes they agree. Usually they don't. But this struggle is going on inside all of us. And it's all going on inside Herman's head.
01:05Research. No, you can't say any of those words on TV. No, and you can't say...
01:28Morning, Louise. Hetty?
01:35Morning, Herman. Happy birthday.
01:38Thanks, but it's not till Saturday. Hey, I'm gonna be having a party if you can come.
01:42Sure, Herman. Sounds great.
01:43Hey, how about you, Hetty? You think you can make it?
01:45Ah, Saturday night's looking pretty grim.
01:47Sorry, you can't be there.
01:48No, I can be there. That's why it's looking pretty grim.
01:51Herman, do you have a moment out in the hall?
01:53Sounds juicy. What is it?
01:54It's extremely personal, Hetty. Herman?
02:00What's the matter?
02:01A guy I've been seeing dumped me.
02:03Oh, Louise, I'm so sorry. What happened?
02:06Well, you see, the thing is...
02:08Ah, it was a wonderful movie, wasn't it? Especially the part where...
02:12The thing is, is that I've kind of been saving myself for marriage. I've never a...
02:16I'm a virgin.
02:27Herman?
02:28Well, I think that's very nice, Louise.
02:32Nice try, Herman. But nobody understands, especially not the men I date.
02:37Anytime I see someone for more than a few weeks, he starts expecting things.
02:40And I just want to wait for that one special person.
02:43What do you think, Herman?
02:46I think that's just beautiful.
02:47Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't get this virgin thing.
02:51She could have sex. She chooses not to have sex.
02:55What a sick and twisted world we live in.
03:00There's nothing wrong with waiting, Louise. You do what your heart tells you and don't let anyone pressure you.
03:05Thank you, Herman. Coming from you, that's worth a lot.
03:08Oh, Mr. Bracken. I'm having a little party for my birthday this weekend. Would you like to come?
03:15I had a birthday last week, Herman. Nobody gave me a party.
03:19You said you didn't want a party.
03:21I didn't want to ask for a party, so I said I didn't want a party. I didn't want you to listen to me.
03:25Why don't we make it a combined party on Saturday? We'll celebrate both our birthdays.
03:28It's for the best that I didn't have a party. I've hated birthdays since I was six years old.
03:32Why?
03:34The truth is, my parents hired a clown who really scared me.
03:38Ever since I've suffered from bozo-phobia, even people with too much makeup make me nervous.
03:45People with big feet scare the hell out of me.
03:57Yes, I'm fine now. Thank you, sir.
04:03What's the matter, Louise?
04:04A friend of mine just called. She heard something on the news.
04:07It's...
04:08What?
04:09You know that sweet old bear at the zoo?
04:11Benny the Bear? Of course.
04:13When my daughters were growing up, they used to love to go to the zoo to see old Benny.
04:17He's gone into a diabetic coma.
04:20Some jerk gave him a donut.
04:26Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
04:28I told you we should never have given the bear the donut.
04:31The sign specifically said, do not feed the animals.
04:34Oh, but the way he looked right into our eyes and reached out with his big furry paw.
04:39Oh, I know I shouldn't have done it, but it was just one little raspberry donut.
04:44Herman, are you okay?
04:46I guess this news about Benny just hit me kind of hard.
04:49Well, if it makes you feel any better, let me tell you.
04:51I believe we live in a just universe, and whoever did this horrible thing will pay, and pay dearly.
04:56Thank you, sir. I feel much better now.
05:04Renowned throughout the nation, as the friendliest bear in captivity,
05:07the diabetic Benny was no match for the clever fiend who slipped him the now infamous donut.
05:12Examinations have confirmed that there was just one donut.
05:15Flavor, raspberry.
05:17As Benny continues to cling to life, we take you to our correspondent at the zoo.
05:21We're going to be the most hated man in the country.
05:24We've got to keep this a secret.
05:25I say we should confess and get this horrible secret off our chest.
05:28Oh, brilliant.
05:29And while we're at it, why don't we just go down to the subway and French kiss the third rail?
05:36Hermie.
05:37What is it, Jay?
05:38Check out that woman over there, man.
05:39God, is she gorgeous or what?
05:41Jay, I'm not in the mood.
05:42There are other things going on in this world.
05:44How can you even think of women when right this very second, Benny the Bear is clinging to life?
05:49Okay, I can see you're a little down.
05:52Tell you what, you take her.
05:54Take your mind off.
05:56Sex isn't the answer to everything.
05:58Oh, sure it is.
06:00Jay, there are some people who don't even have sex.
06:02There are even people who are saving themselves from marriage.
06:06Oh, Herm, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but whoever used that line on you was just trying to let you down easy.
06:11Jay, this isn't about me.
06:13I'm trying to make a point about human nature.
06:15Herm, it's in our nature to have sex.
06:17Not everyone.
06:18I happen to know someone who...
06:20Never mind.
06:21No, no, Herm, what are you trying to say?
06:22Do you actually know a real, live virgin?
06:24Forget I said anything.
06:26No, no, no, Herm.
06:27Gossip is like sex.
06:28You start, you gotta finish.
06:30Come on, I won't tell anyone.
06:32I think I've said as much as I can.
06:34Louise told us that in confidence.
06:35If we betray her trust, she'll hate us forever.
06:38I possess information.
06:39I must divulge the information.
06:41Stay strong, you can resist.
06:42And with it, I can make a point.
06:43I love making a point.
06:44I must make a point.
06:45He won't tell anyone.
06:46We use no names.
06:47I must!
06:48I must!
06:49No!
06:50It's just that there's this woman.
06:51She's mid-twenties, and it's tough on her because she's waiting for that one special person.
06:54And any time she sees a guy for more than a few weeks, he starts expecting things.
06:58God.
06:59Poor God.
07:00Poor God.
07:09Research.
07:10Oh, hello again.
07:11No, according to broadcast standards, you can't say f*** or s***.
07:16But, apparently, under certain circumstances, you can say s*** of a b***h.
07:19Louise, watch your language.
07:20Well, sir, I'll simply answer your question.
07:21I never use language like that.
07:22Herman, you son of a b***h.
07:23Louise, what's wrong?
07:24The whole, Herman.
07:25Well, sir, I'll simply answer your question.
07:27I never use language like that.
07:29Herman, you son of a b***h.
07:33Louise, what's wrong?
07:34The whole, Herman.
07:38Jay's article on sex in the 92nd paragraph.
07:41A friend of mine told me about a woman he knows who's still a-
07:43Still a virgin.
07:44She's in her mid-twenties and claims it's tough on her because any time she sees a guy for more than a few weeks, he starts expecting things.
07:49She's truly an oddity in this day and age.
07:51I can't believe this.
07:52An oddity, Herman?
07:53I'm an oddity?
07:54Louise, I feel terrible.
07:55I am so sorry.
07:56I had no idea Jay would print this.
07:57This is the point, Herman.
07:58I trusted you and you betrayed me.
08:00Well, I didn't tell him it was you.
08:01Well, what's going on?
08:02Nothing, honey.
08:03Herman, I hate you.
08:05Well, I hate being laughed out, Herman.
08:06Why does Louise hate you?
08:08I am not about to tell anyone else.
08:09How would you like it if I went around telling people that you lied on your job application about graduating college?
08:14How did you know that?
08:15I only told one person.
08:16I'm gonna kill Louise.
08:18Why did you say that?
08:19It was an argument.
08:20I was making another point.
08:22How could you give away such an intimate secret?
08:26Well, it's not like I killed a bear or anything.
08:35I made another point.
08:38Come on, cheer up.
08:39Donut?
08:44Louise, when I told you that, I told you not to tell anyone.
08:47I'm sorry, Henny.
08:48When I told Herman that, I told him not to tell anyone.
08:50I guess we're kind of in the same boat, huh?
08:52I don't think so, Louise.
08:53You know something about me and I don't know anything about you, but I'm gonna find out.
08:59What is it with you, Herman?
09:00Is your mouth not connected to your brain?
09:04Hey, buddy.
09:05Jay, I'm gonna kill you.
09:06Herman, if I knew you wanted her, I never would have taken her home.
09:08What are you talking about?
09:09I don't know.
09:10I'm just playing the percentages, man.
09:11What is it?
09:13What?
09:14In the hall.
09:15I'm coming too.
09:16No, you're not.
09:17Jay, I specifically told you not to say anything about this.
09:20Sure, but no one reads this magazine outside of New York.
09:23Yeah, Louise does now.
09:24She's furious with me.
09:25Whoa, it's Louise?
09:26I figured it was someone you knew back in Ohio.
09:28Louise is the virgin?
09:29Great, Herman, great.
09:30Tell him it's me.
09:31Tell everybody.
09:32Tell Hedy while you're at it.
09:33Yeah, tell Hedy while you're at it.
09:34Get it, Hedy.
09:35I'm not gonna tell you.
09:36Yeah, Hedy, we're not gonna tell you anything.
09:37Oh, like you have a right to be all righteous about this.
09:39Hey, I'm not the one who went and blabbed to me.
09:41Jay's involved in this?
09:42Jay, hallway.
09:43God, I wanted to say that to someone all day.
09:46Jay, don't say anything.
09:48I've got to know what this thing about Louise is.
09:50She told Herman something very private about me.
09:52Ooh, really?
09:53What?
09:54Never mind.
09:55Just tell me this thing about Louise or I will tell everyone what Dave Lund told me.
09:58Dave Lund?
09:59How do you know Dave Lund?
10:00I went out with him once and he told me what you did in high school.
10:02Oh, look, Hedy, don't believe a word he said.
10:04It was a lie.
10:05I saw the URBIC picture, Jay.
10:06You're wearing a big furry hat and matching boots.
10:08Now, either you spent your senior year guarding Buckingham Palace or, Phil, you were a nerdy
10:12drum major.
10:13Okay.
10:14Look, I can explain, all right?
10:15I was young.
10:16I didn't know what I was doing and I fell in with the wrong crowd.
10:19Don't explain to me.
10:20Explain to all the other riders upstairs.
10:22Oh, you wouldn't.
10:23You tell me about Louise or Elle.
10:25Think about it, Jay.
10:29Hey, you didn't say anything.
10:32Shut up, Hermie.
10:33This whole thing is because of you and your big mouth.
10:35Don't you see what's happening?
10:37We're losing all our friends.
10:38We haven't slept in three nights.
10:40It's obvious.
10:41We're being punished for Benny the Bear.
10:48We must confess we won't have a moment's peace until we cleanse our soul.
10:53You don't look well, Herman.
10:54Something wrong?
10:55Well, as a matter of fact...
10:56I poisoned...
10:57I'm fine, sir.
10:58Just fine.
10:59Hey, Herm, it's Jay.
11:00I'm kind of trying to avoid Hetty right now.
11:02So if she's going to be at your birthday party tomorrow, I'm not coming.
11:03Herman, Hetty.
11:04If Louise is going to be at your party tomorrow, I'm not coming.
11:05Hi, Herman.
11:06It's the odyssey.
11:07I hate your guts.
11:08So if you're going to be at your party tomorrow, I'm not coming.
11:09If Louise is going to be at your party tomorrow, I'm not coming.
11:10Hi, Herman.
11:11It's the odyssey.
11:12I hate your guts.
11:13So if you're going to be at your party tomorrow, I'm not coming.
11:14If Louise is going to be at your party tomorrow, I'm not coming.
11:15Hi, Herman.
11:16It's the odyssey.
11:17I hate your guts.
11:18So if you're going to be at your party tomorrow, I'm not coming.
11:19If Louise is going to be at your party tomorrow, I'm not coming.
11:32I'm not coming.
11:35Hi, honey.
11:36It's Mom.
11:37Just wanted to wish you happy birthday.
11:39By the way, isn't it terrible about that poor bear?
11:50Well, here we are on our birthday, alone, eating cold lo mein.
11:55This is pathetic.
11:56You think Warren Beatty is alone on his birthday?
11:58You think Tom Cruise is alone on his birthday?
12:02I say we take a shot at, uh, what's-her-name, Maureen, from the third floor.
12:07She is a radical, militant lesbian.
12:12I'm not saying it wouldn't take some sweet talk.
12:16I'm sorry we had to be so rough with you.
12:18We just couldn't afford to have you spill our guts about Benny.
12:21Maybe some television will cheer you up.
12:24The cards and flowers continue to pour in from across the country, wishing Benny the Bear well.
12:29City-wide, it's all one hears.
12:33In the subways, in the local watering holes.
12:35How could someone do such a horrible thing to such a wonderful bear?
12:39Let me interrupt this program for the following news special.
12:43Benny the Bear and the Donut of Death.
12:54Hey, Hermie.
12:55We're just down at the Benny the Bear vigil in the park.
12:57And I realized to hell with Hetty.
12:59You know, it's your birthday.
13:00I should come.
13:01Hey, you remember Kiki from the other night?
13:03Hi, I'm Kiki.
13:04Hi.
13:05Hey, Herm, where's the party?
13:07Yeah, there's not going to be a party, Jay.
13:08Everyone canceled.
13:11Hi, Herman.
13:12I know I said I wasn't coming, but I was down at that boring vigil,
13:15and I realized here there'd be food and drinks and interesting people.
13:17Hi, I'm Kiki.
13:19What was I thinking?
13:20I suppose that means no party favors either.
13:22That's right.
13:23Well, can I have your lamp?
13:25No, Hetty.
13:27Hello, Jay.
13:28Oh, either this is a dead party, or I came at halftime.
13:31Hetty, Hetty, I'm begging you.
13:36Are you going to tell my Louise a secret?
13:37I can't.
13:39Oh, that's too bad, because look what Dave Lund faxed me.
13:42Why, it's a picture of you, and what is the caption?
13:44Jefferson High School High Steppers led by the ever-lively Jay Chubby Nichols.
13:51Ooh, I hope you're hungry.
13:52Oh, sure.
13:53I hope you're hungry.
13:57Louise.
13:58Hi, Herman.
13:58I still hate you, but I realize there's a party going on, and all my friends are here,
14:02and it's not fair that my hatred for you keep me from my friends.
14:05Hi, Hetty.
14:06Drop dead big mouth.
14:08Hey, Louise.
14:09Shove it, Jay.
14:11Look, I'm glad you all came, kind of, but I didn't think there was going to be a party,
14:15so I didn't get anything, so there's not going to be a party.
14:19Hello, Herman.
14:19I'm here for my party.
14:21Your party?
14:22Yes, you said this could be a combined celebration,
14:25and I know I said I wouldn't come in, but my wife thought I should.
14:27But I thought you hated birthday parties.
14:31Why would anyone hate birthday parties?
14:32The man is terrified of clowns.
14:34He's a classic bozo-phobe.
14:35Happened when you were, what, six years old?
14:38Herman, I told you that in confidence.
14:41That was a secret?
14:42Oh, come on.
14:45Why don't I put out some food?
14:48Uh, Kiki, this is Louise.
14:50Oh, it's a virgin.
14:54Excuse me.
14:56Here.
14:56Well, here's some food.
15:04I've got some stale saltines and a couple of breadsticks
15:07and some rice from three days ago,
15:10but it should still be good.
15:14A party without food.
15:16Now, there's an oddity.
15:17Care for a breadstick, Jack?
15:24Please leave me alone, Hetty.
15:26Better watch it, Hetty, or he'll write about your deepest, darkest secrets.
15:29Uh-huh.
15:30He wrote about you.
15:31A clue.
15:32Herman, this isn't exactly curing me of my dislike for parties.
15:36Right, sir.
15:37Well, look, everyone.
15:38I know we all have our personal differences right now,
15:41but this is a party.
15:44I know.
15:45Let's play charades.
15:47Charades?
15:47Please.
15:48We are not that desperate.
15:51Isn't it awful what somebody did to Benny the Bear?
15:54Let's play charades.
15:56Oh, can this guy throw a party?
15:58Kiki, pass me that rice cube.
16:00Okay, everybody, write down the title of a book, song, or a movie.
16:07What'll ours be?
16:07Come on, Angel, play the game.
16:09You can choose the topic.
16:11How about...
16:12I poison Benny the Bear.
16:18Okay, I'll go first.
16:21Oh.
16:22Like a virgin?
16:25This isn't good.
16:27I see you got my clue, Herman.
16:31Go ahead, do it.
16:33Louise, I can't do this.
16:34Herman, this game has rules.
16:36Do it.
16:36Oh, okay.
16:39Big mouth.
16:40Big.
16:40Couldn't keep it shut if your life depended on it, mouth.
16:42Mouth besides Nebraska.
16:44Louise, you can't guess.
16:46It's your clue.
16:47Song.
16:48Three words.
16:50Third word.
16:51Go ahead, Herman.
16:52Point to me.
16:52I know you want to.
16:55What, virgin?
16:56Let like a virgin.
17:02Oh, that was a good clue.
17:04I got it.
17:05Louise is a virgin.
17:06That's the big secret.
17:08Louise, you're still a virgin.
17:10She's saving herself for marriage.
17:11I think it's admirable.
17:13I also think it's admirable.
17:16In fact, I have a 15-year-old daughter I'd like you to talk to.
17:19Well, great.
17:20Now everybody knows.
17:21I hope you're happy, Herman.
17:22Louise, wait.
17:23Now I don't need to tell anyone you're a drum major.
17:28A drum major?
17:29Goodbye, Jay.
17:30Oh, come on.
17:31I was young.
17:32I fell in with the wrong crown.
17:35Well, Hetty, I may have been a drum major, but at least I graduated college.
17:41Happy birthday, Herm.
17:43Louise told Jay, too.
17:45That would be me again.
17:48Hetty, I distinctly remember your job application saying you graduated college.
17:53Oh, well, I only had two courses left, and I had a chance to go to Europe with this guy who said...
17:56Monday morning, you and I are going to have a little talk about night school.
17:59Thanks a lot, Herman.
18:03This is a crummy party.
18:04And I'm taking your lamp.
18:14So what do you say next year we do this at your place?
18:24Morning, Hetty.
18:26Louise?
18:26Louise?
18:29Hey, Hermie, I forgot to give you this on Saturday.
18:45Happy birthday, man.
18:48Gee, thanks.
18:50Hey, it's a collector's item.
18:51I just heard on the radio that Benny the Bear is going to pull through.
18:54Yes!
18:54He's alive!
18:56He's alive!
18:57Thank God he's alive!
18:58What's going on out here?
19:00Benny the Bear is going to live!
19:04Oh, come on.
19:06So we all know something embarrassing about each other that all pales in comparison to this joyous news?
19:11That's true, Herman.
19:12We all know something embarrassing about each other.
19:14Except no one knows anything embarrassing about you.
19:17Yeah.
19:18Tell us something embarrassing about yourself.
19:20Okay.
19:21If that's what it'll take to get things back to normal.
19:23You know, a really embarrassing secret.
19:27This is our chance to confess about Benny.
19:29Wait, we don't need to confess.
19:31He's fine.
19:32We did a horrible thing and I can't live with a guilt.
19:35You know, none of this would have happened if you would have listened to me that day and we went to the theater instead of the zoo.
19:39Real live nudes is not theater.
19:43You take a very narrow view of drama.
19:52We must confess!
19:56Okay.
19:58It was me.
20:00I did it.
20:00It was wrong.
20:01The sign was there.
20:03But he was looking at me with those big brown eyes.
20:06And I gave Benny the donut.
20:08Herman, that's the most despicable thing I've ever heard.
20:15I thought I was doing something nice.
20:16I mean, how was I supposed to know he was diabetic?
20:19I know you want us to forgive you, but to make up a story like that.
20:23But I did it.
20:24It was me.
20:24It was a raspberry donut.
20:26Oh, everyone knows it was a raspberry donut.
20:28It was in all the papers.
20:31Hermo is nothing sacred.
20:34It was me, Jay.
20:35I am the monster.
20:37I'm the villain.
20:37I am the most hated man in America.
20:39Herman, that was a pathetic display, and we wasted enough time.
20:45Louise, have you had a chance yet to call my daughter and talk to her about saving herself for marriage?
20:51Yes, sir, I did, but it was too late.
21:02What's wrong with Bracken?
21:03I don't know.
21:04He wanted me to call his daughter.
21:05I tried last night, but it was pretty late, and she'd already gone to sleep.
21:11Louise, I just wanted to make sure that you're going to be okay about things.
21:14You must know I didn't mean to hurt you, and I'm so sorry.
21:17I know, Herman.
21:18I'm not crazy about people knowing my personal things, but I'm not ashamed to be a virgin anymore.
21:23Actually, I feel quite good about it.
21:26That's great, Louise.
21:28Herman, line two.
21:29It's your mother.
21:31Hi, Mom.
21:33What surprise?
21:34It didn't come yet.
21:35Ah, I think it just got here.
21:39Hold on.
21:40Herman Brooks?
21:43Happy birthday, Herman.
21:44Happy birthday, Herman.
21:45Happy birthday, Herman.
21:46Happy birthday, Herman.
21:47Happy birthday, Herman.
21:48Happy birthday, Herman.
21:49Happy birthday, Herman.
21:50Happy birthday, Herman.
21:51Happy birthday, Herman.
21:52Happy birthday, Herman.
21:54Happy birthday, Herman.
21:55Call 911.
21:56tomorrow night it's fox night at the movies with working girls starring harrison ford and
22:16melanie griffith you know if melanie griffith worked in my office i'd never go home and then
22:19saturday night we've got an all-new lineup cops charlie hoover starring sam kennison and chris
22:24elliott is back with get a life i think i'll invite melanie griffith over to watch those shows with
22:27me stay tuned for the sunday comics next hey any chance melanie griffith's on that show
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