- 1 week ago
In this episode, Herman and Heddy are forced to work all night on an article for their boss, Mr. Crawford. Meanwhile, Louise, another co-worker, asks Jay why he has never expressed romantic interest in her.
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00:00Dangerous.
00:01Troubled.
00:03That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:05Is that all you can think about?
00:07Food and sex?
00:09Yes.
00:10Please, focus.
00:11Look out!
00:18Hey, it's Jack!
00:22No time for small talk, we're late.
00:25Petty, hold the elevator.
00:27Petty.
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:37I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:40I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:42And I think you are all idiots.
00:45That's gonna work!
00:46I think so.
00:46I think so.
00:46I think so.
00:51THE END
01:21an article about camping. This is
01:22the ramblings of a lunatic. Now,
01:24who the hell is responsible for this?
01:27I'm back.
01:29Oh, my God.
01:31It's amazing what a little rest
01:32and a thousand volts a day will do for you.
01:36Mr. Bracken, you were
01:37right. We can't print any of those quotes from
01:38the article on PMS. Damn it, Sherman.
01:40It took me 20 minutes to make up those quotes.
01:44By the way,
01:44I want to thank you for coming to visit me while I was away
01:46in Rolling Valley. My pleasure.
01:49Herman, that is so sweet.
01:50Do you want to visit him?
01:56Profit, these
01:56are a mess. Now, don't you have
01:58editors to make sure these things make sense?
02:01Actually, that's what I do. I've
02:02been demoted. Sent back to the ranks
02:04to prove that I've still got the stuff to be a great executive.
02:07So, print that crap up,
02:08will you?
02:10Now, I can't do that. You're going to have to have your writers
02:12redo this. I can't.
02:14They all quit. They said I was insane.
02:17I'm perfectly
02:19sane, and I've got the papers from Rolling Valley
02:21to prove it.
02:23You carry papers with you?
02:24You'd be amazed how often it comes up.
02:28Well,
02:29it's very clear that if I'm going to get this job done,
02:31I have to hire some new writers.
02:32When does this magazine go to press?
02:34Tomorrow morning, 6 a.m.
02:36Paul, you've got to help me, Paul.
02:37No, I don't.
02:38You're the only one I have to turn to, Paul.
02:40That's too bad. I'm sorry.
02:41It's my last chance. It's make or break.
02:43Don't let me break. Help me make.
02:47Mr. Bracken.
02:50Okay, Louise.
02:51I can help you fix some of these,
02:53but this article on camping
02:55has to be rewritten from word one.
02:57Maybe Harmon could take a pass at it.
03:00Oh, you'd do that for me?
03:01He'd do that for me?
03:02You bet. I'll go home and work all night if I have to.
03:05I'll stay and help you out, too, Mr. Crawford.
03:07Oh, thank you, Lois.
03:09What's going on?
03:12We're all staying late to help Mr. Crawford.
03:13He's in trouble.
03:15Oh.
03:15Well, good night, everyone.
03:17Eddie, everyone is going to give Mr. Crawford a hand.
03:20Herman is going home to write an article.
03:22Herman's going to write an article?
03:24I want my name on an article.
03:25Herman, put my name in that article.
03:27Good night.
03:28Eddie, if you want your name on it,
03:30you're going to have to help me write it.
03:31Who said that?
03:32I did.
03:34Why?
03:34It was logical.
03:37And whose job is logic?
03:39Yours.
03:39And what happens when you do a job you're not qualified to do?
03:43I don't know.
03:44You must wear the panties of death.
03:48Oh, no.
03:49Not the panties of death.
03:52What the hell are the panties of death?
03:55I have no idea.
03:55I just combined the two words he fears the most.
03:58Panties and death.
04:01Mr. Bracken, on second thought, I don't need Hetty's help.
04:03No, that was a good idea.
04:06Hetty, you want your name on that article, you go help Herman.
04:09What support?
04:10What loyalty?
04:12It reminds me of that movie where all the Roman slaves rise up to defend their leader.
04:16They all call out, I am Spartacus.
04:18No, I am Spartacus.
04:20No, I am Spartacus.
04:21I'll tell you, I'll never forget it.
04:23Well, good night.
04:25Where do you think you're going?
04:26Well, everything's in good hands.
04:27Why should I stay here?
04:28Because we aren't going to do anything if you leave.
04:31You're right, Spartacus would never leave.
04:33I'll be right here by your side until this thing is done.
04:35We'll work together, we'll eat together, we'll cry together, we'll laugh together.
04:40Okay, everybody, let's split up.
04:49Okay, I'll set up over here.
04:50Do me a favor and make some coffee, would you?
04:53Wait a second, why should I make the coffee?
04:55Because I'm setting up.
04:56Here's the thing, Herman, I'm embarrassed to say, I don't know how to make coffee.
05:01Sorry, I feel like the default.
05:03Okay, okay, you set up and I'll make the coffee.
05:05Just be sure you grind it twice, use the number two filter, and if you can, steam the milk.
05:10Don't you see where this is going?
05:12She's weaseling her way in here.
05:13We'll end up doing all the work and she'll take half the credit.
05:16Sounds like a good plan, especially the weasel part.
05:20Fantastic.
05:21Oh, my God, no!
05:24I'm not making any coffee.
05:25Well, neither am I.
05:27Well, Petty, we're going to have to work together now.
05:29Let's stop being silly and be mature and adult about this.
05:33Well, I don't see why I have to make coffee.
05:37I set up, now you make the coffee.
05:41Here's a list of those quotes you need.
05:43How'd you like to make coffee for all of us, Lois?
05:45How'd you like me to go home?
05:49Where's that I am Spartacus spirit?
05:51I am not Spartacus.
05:54I'm not even Mois.
05:57Okay, I'll make the coffee.
06:01Oh, evening, Mr. Crawford.
06:02How'd you like to make coffee for all of us, Ray?
06:05I don't think so.
06:07You heard about my demotion, didn't you?
06:08Yeah.
06:09Damn.
06:09Herman's not here.
06:12Beat it.
06:13Oh, nice to see you, too.
06:15Wait a minute.
06:16You're a writer.
06:17Yeah.
06:18How would you like to do Mr. Crawford a favor?
06:21Huh?
06:22No.
06:23How would you like to do me a favor?
06:25I don't, uh, think so.
06:28How would you like me to tell Mr. Williams what you did with his daughter?
06:30What do you know about that?
06:34I know everything.
06:35I'm bracken.
06:38I'd love to help.
06:41This magazine goes to print tomorrow.
06:43This article has to make sense.
06:44Great.
06:45I'll do what I can.
06:48Damn.
06:50Oh, do me a favor and, uh, brew up a pot for me, will you?
06:52Who the hell do you think you are?
06:54I'm the guy who's fixing your article.
06:56Drip or percolate it?
06:57Ugh, this is terrible coffee.
07:04You should have made it yourself instead of sitting there and doing your nails.
07:07Oh, right.
07:08Like if I made the coffee, you'd do my nails?
07:13Okay, let's see.
07:15Camping or...
07:17How to Live Like the Homeless on Your Next Vacation.
07:22What are you doing?
07:24Hmm?
07:24I'm just writing the title.
07:25That's a terrible title.
07:27I like it.
07:28It's funny.
07:28Why does it have to be funny?
07:30People who like camping have a sense of humor.
07:33How do you know?
07:34Because I camp!
07:36I am a camper!
07:37I have the camping attitude, and I think it's hysterical.
07:41It stinks.
07:42Are you just gonna sit there and bitch and criticize?
07:45That was the plan.
07:48Fine.
07:49Sit there.
07:49I don't care.
07:51Damn it.
07:52I do care.
07:53What are you gonna do now?
07:54Whine and complain?
07:57Enough of this.
07:58You are gonna come over here, and we are gonna write this article.
08:04I'm not gonna write this article.
08:06What's the matter?
08:07Just tell Mr. Bracken I don't have the time.
08:09Okay?
08:09Thanks.
08:10It's a girl, huh?
08:13Why do you say that?
08:15Because it's always a girl.
08:17Well, it's not a girl.
08:19Then it's a boy.
08:19Very funny.
08:25Look, if you must know, I have writer's block.
08:27I haven't been able to do anything in weeks.
08:29I don't even think I can write anymore.
08:31Yes, you can.
08:32You're having trouble because your mind isn't on your work.
08:34It's in the gutter.
08:35You're a sexually obsessed, emotionally crippled, dependent pig.
08:38I thought I kept that all hidden.
08:45It's true.
08:46Your one goal in life is to score with women.
08:49Forget about women.
08:50This article is the only thing that matters.
08:52Now sit over there and do it.
08:55You're right.
08:56You're absolutely right.
08:58All I have to do is think about women.
09:00That's it.
09:01I'm gonna focus on this article.
09:02Forget women.
09:03Okay.
09:04This is me focusing on the article.
09:06Jay, how come you never made a pass at me?
09:11What?
09:12You just said all you ever think about is women,
09:14so how come you never made a pass at me?
09:17I'm focusing.
09:22We will focus on work when you answer my questions.
09:25Louise, this is very personal stuff,
09:28and I really don't think people who work together
09:30should discuss personal stuff.
09:32My wife is leaving me.
09:37I heard the rumors.
09:38I'm sorry.
09:39This can't seem to relate to her.
09:40Did I ever tell you I didn't get along with my parents?
09:42No.
09:43I wasn't a favorite.
09:46And the fact that I was an only child just made it worse.
09:53Crawford, I'm sorry you're having problems with your wife,
09:56but we have a lot of work to do.
09:57You're like me, Paul.
09:59Answer honestly.
09:59I insist.
10:00No.
10:00You could have hesitated a moment before answering.
10:05I'm going in the other room if you don't stop talking.
10:08I'm scared.
10:10I'm 52 years old, and I'm scared.
10:13I'm leaving my marriage, and my career is over,
10:16and I can't think of a soul that I could truly call my friend.
10:19Maybe it's because you never take the time to listen to what people hear.
10:23You're interrupting me, Paul.
10:24I'm killing my guts out here.
10:27I'm out of here.
10:28You're leaving?
10:29Yes, I'm leaving.
10:30We've been sitting here for two hours, and you've done nothing.
10:33I'll finish it at the office.
10:34Hey, you are not going anywhere.
10:36You're going to stay here and do anything I want you to.
10:38You'll do your work, my work, and if I feel like it, my taxes.
10:43What makes you think I'm going to do your taxes?
10:45Because I'm not wearing any underwear.
10:54Exactly how many deductions do you have?
11:06Betty, I think you overestimate the power of your underwear.
11:11Oh, you really think so?
11:15Sorry, what was I saying?
11:17We were talking about the power of my underwear.
11:21What is it with you?
11:22You think you can get anything you want just by showing your legs?
11:25Sure, why not?
11:26Beats the hell out of working.
11:28Yeah, well, it's not going to work this time.
11:29You're either going to sit here and help me or get out.
11:32Or I'm going to seduce you into gratefully doing all the work for me.
11:36Oh, no, you're not.
11:37Oh, yes, I am.
11:38Oh, no, you're not.
11:40Oh, yes, she is.
11:43Eddie, that's not going to work.
11:46Eddie, that is not going to work.
11:50That's going to work.
11:52Take me, Herman.
11:54Kiss me, Jay.
11:56Hold me, Paul.
12:01Nope, it means I win.
12:05She did not win, Eddie.
12:07I didn't fall for any of that.
12:10I could get you to pay my apartment if I wanted to.
12:13Get out of here.
12:14One coat or two.
12:23Oh, well.
12:24Uh-huh.
12:25You see, I win again.
12:26You knew she was going to do that.
12:30How could you fall for it?
12:32I didn't know.
12:33Well, I knew.
12:35Boy, what the hell are you yelling at me for?
12:37Okay, okay.
12:41You're right.
12:41There is one thing you're capable of.
12:42But let me tell you something.
12:43It's a good thing you have those legs, because that's all you got.
12:48Excuse me?
12:49You heard me.
12:50What, you think I can't write this article?
12:53That's right.
12:55We have to do something to make her feel better right now.
12:58I'll handle this.
12:58No.
12:59Oh, no.
12:59What you're thinking about makes you feel better, not her.
13:06Oh, yeah.
13:07I always get those two mixed up.
13:10Forget I said anything.
13:11No, you think I'm incapable.
13:13This is a stupid conversation, because obviously I'm going to get no help from you, so I'll just
13:17write this article by myself, and your name isn't going on it.
13:20I don't want my name on it.
13:22I can write my own damn article.
13:23Oh, yeah.
13:24Sure you can.
13:25I can.
13:28Okay, I'll tell you what.
13:30I'll write my article.
13:31You write yours.
13:32Let's see who's they choose.
13:33That is fine with me, and I am not incapable.
13:38Yes, you are.
13:42I hate you, Harmon.
13:44I love you, Paul.
13:49Crawford, you're starting to scare me now.
13:52Oh, well, damn it, it's just that no one's ever done anything this nice for me before.
13:56My wife says I'm a lunatic.
13:57Your wife is a wise woman.
13:59You respect me, Paul.
14:03Again, be honest.
14:04No.
14:05Again, you could have thought about it for a second.
14:09This salmon fishing article is a mess, too.
14:12Why are you doing this?
14:13I hate shoddy work.
14:15No, no, no, no.
14:16It's more than that.
14:17You don't respect me.
14:18You don't like me.
14:19You think I'm a lunatic, and yet you're willing to stay here all night to try to help me get
14:22my old job back.
14:23Why?
14:24You never caused me this much trouble in your old job.
14:27Maybe if you get it back, you'll leave me alone.
14:31Where did you get all these facts about salmon fishing?
14:33I knew them.
14:35I've been in research for 25 years.
14:37I know how much of fly waves.
14:39I know the circumference of the moon, the population of Oklahoma.
14:43Good God, man.
14:44You ought to be on Jeopardy.
14:45Will you shut up?
14:50I killed your career.
14:52Did you know that?
14:54About 10 years ago, Waterton asked me if I thought you'd be a good executive.
14:57I told him no.
14:59I said, leave him in the research department.
15:01That's where he belongs.
15:04What is with you tonight?
15:06How come you wouldn't kiss me before?
15:08Please, come on.
15:09Jeez, I thought you were joking.
15:11I don't get it.
15:11You chase everything in a dress, except, of course, Mr. Cruxshank in marketing.
15:18And yet with me, it's always, hi, Louise, how's it going?
15:20Did you ever stop to think, hey, there's Louise.
15:22I think I'll take a shot at her.
15:26Louise, I didn't even know you were interested in me.
15:28I'm not interested in you.
15:30Well, then would you please tell me what the hell this is all about?
15:32I feel left out.
15:35At first, I was glad that you never made a pass at me.
15:37You always made passes at Hetty.
15:38You made passes at women that you knew, women that you didn't know,
15:41short women, tall women, fat women, bald women.
15:45It's a volume business, Louise.
15:48But you never made a pass at me, don't you see?
15:51My ego is hurt.
15:53I'm not saying I want you to marry me,
15:55but it'd be nice to know you at least find me attractive.
15:57So come on, ask me something crude so I can tell you to take a hike.
16:02Okay, joke's over, okay?
16:04I gotta get back to work.
16:05A man who would make a pass at Margaret Thatcher avoids me at all costs.
16:13Okay.
16:14You really want to know why I never even looked in your direction?
16:18Yes, I do.
16:20Because camping is a reminder that no matter how many people we may put on the moon,
16:24mosquitoes still rule the earth.
16:28What do you think?
16:29Well, I'd love to say that it stinks, but it's good.
16:31Well, thank you.
16:34Are you done?
16:35No, I'm not going to finish it.
16:36Stupid.
16:37Yours is fine.
16:38Oh, wait a minute.
16:39That's it?
16:40Mine's fine and you're going?
16:42Congratulations, Herman.
16:43You win.
16:43Well, let me read it.
16:44Maybe I can give you a couple of hints.
16:46No, I don't want a couple of hints.
16:48I just want to go.
16:49Okay, so mine is better.
16:50That's really no big deal.
16:52I didn't say yours is better.
16:54I said it was good.
16:55I just don't want anyone to read this.
16:57Fine.
16:58Oh, I hate that kind of fine.
17:00That is a real...
17:01I don't believe a damn word you're saying fine.
17:04Here.
17:07Okay.
17:07I want everyone to come up with something nice to say.
17:10Good spelling, proper margins, nice penmanship.
17:14Just a second.
17:15It's good.
17:16Very good.
17:17How can you tell?
17:18Because I can read.
17:24No, you don't have to rub it in.
17:27To all the others who had ever been there, it was just a clearing in the woods, but to
17:31me, it was magical.
17:33It was chipmunks, salamanders, and bugs that rolled up in a ball.
17:38It was a week that we spent together, just he and I.
17:41A week when the world went away and the most important thing in his life was me.
17:46It was right before they got divorced.
17:50I was five.
17:52Guess it was his way of saying goodbye.
17:55It's very good, Hedy.
17:57You should finish it.
17:58No, I don't want to finish it.
18:04Hedy, that was mine.
18:10It was yours.
18:12Waterton would have given you the job, but I told him to go with Anderson.
18:14Crawford, please.
18:15I had to keep you down.
18:17You stood up to me, and worst of all, you made sense.
18:19That confused me.
18:22You think you kept me down all these years?
18:25Is that why you have so much trouble looking me in the eye?
18:28That, and I have a lazy left eye.
18:32I can't help you with the eye part, but you didn't hurt me.
18:35Waterton begged me to take that job.
18:37And you didn't want it?
18:38No.
18:39Even though I complain, I like what I do.
18:42I like who I am and what I've become.
18:44You knew I was trying to hold you back, and still you helped me?
18:46Why?
18:47Because I know how you feel.
18:50I'm also 52.
18:51I'm in the middle of a divorce, and every day I wonder if I was ever in trouble, who would be there for me.
18:56Looking at you is like seeing a fish flopping around, trying to get back into the water.
19:03Should I take offense at that fish thing?
19:05Only if you understood it.
19:09Oh, no offense taken.
19:12Yes, I'm offended.
19:14It's because you know me?
19:15Does that mean if you just met me on the street, you'd hit on me?
19:18Louise, I didn't say because I know you.
19:20I said because you know me.
19:22You know that I'm insincere, immature, shallow.
19:26Egotistical, petty, misogynistic.
19:29I was doing fine on my own.
19:31Thanks.
19:32The point is, you see right through me.
19:34I know you don't like me, so...
19:36Oh, no, Jay.
19:36I like you very much.
19:38You do?
19:40Yes, I do.
19:41I think you're very funny.
19:43And you're smart.
19:45And you're quite a hunk of beefcake.
19:49It's your obsession with sex that makes you unattractive.
19:52Well, I'm sorry, Louise.
19:53I'm not like you.
19:54I enjoy the idea of sex.
19:56And you think I don't?
19:58Let me tell you something.
19:59I could make love to you with all the passion and lust
20:02that would make you forget every woman you've ever been with.
20:11I just choose not to make sex my one reason for being on the planet.
20:17Now, I've said my piece.
20:19Get back to work.
20:23Quite a hunk of beefcake, huh?
20:26See your speech.
20:27Last Thursday, you came into McAnally's.
20:33You had a dark blouse on.
20:35It was open at the neck.
20:37Two buttons, not one.
20:39It was a windy day, and your hair was mussed,
20:43and your cheeks were all red.
20:46You were the prettiest woman in the place.
20:49Is there any, uh, chance of getting that kiss now?
21:12See what you're missing?
21:15Now take a hike.
21:17Eddie, I had no idea you could write like this.
21:25Why don't you finish it?
21:26Give it a rest, Herman.
21:28My head hurts.
21:28My eyes hurt.
21:29I'm stressed.
21:30I've got this indentation on my finger
21:32while I was holding the pencil.
21:33That is what writing is all about.
21:36Well, I have no intention of working that hard all the time.
21:38I like the old way.
21:39I understand.
21:41You think I'm lazy.
21:42No, I think you don't want to be vulnerable.
21:44Thank you for the psychobabble,
21:46but I'm going to stick with what works for me.
21:48And, Hedy, you can't always take the easy way out.
21:50Now, this is good.
21:51And tonight you're going to sit here
21:52and finish your article with me.
21:54Why?
21:55Because you tore mine up.
21:56That's why.
21:57Tomorrow you can go back to being a bitch,
21:59but tonight you are a writer.
22:06I'll make some coffee.
22:08Thank you, Herman.
22:08Thank you, Jay.
22:12Thank you, Paul.
22:15Michael.
22:19...call's Class of 96
22:20entertaining and honest.
22:22This Tuesday,
22:23Fox invites you to the world premiere
22:25of Class of 96.
22:26Then,
22:27if you're looking for a place
22:28to live out your wildest fantasies,
22:30escape to Key West.
22:32Class of 96 and Key West.
22:34All part of the new Fox...
22:35Hi, Dave McCall from WPRR.
22:37And Rich Dennis from the very same radio station.
22:40Blind Blind.
22:41And the Ben Stiller Show.
22:42Coming up next on Fox TVA.
22:44We'll see you next time on Fox TVA.
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